These are going fast: There’s only one XL and two larges left. Head over to the Merch store. Paid subscribers get free shipping, code here. You can subscribe just to get the code and that way we pass $5 back and forth via an elaborate digital Rube Goldberg machine. —Bill

Subscribe now

Merch Store

Dear Shaun,

I am in love with a werewolf. I didn’t set out to start dating a werewolf, I fell in love with a man who then revealed much later in our relationship that he had this “trait.” I feel conflicted about this. I love this man, but I no longer have the same trust I had in our previous 10 years. Should I throw this marriage away? I don’t know what to do.

-Werewolf Wife

Dear Werewolf Wife,

What timing for you to be writing to me! Halloween is upon us and you are married to a real life werewolf! I don’t mean to other him, or you, but this is a truly fascinating experience! You share a bank account with one of the original Universal Monsters. I mean this is once in a lifetime.

You still love him right? Marriage is all about communication. It seems like you and the hubby need to sit down and have a good old fashioned chat about where you both stand with this information. Should he have disclosed this earlier? Definitely. You can’t drop a bomb on someone that far into the relationship. I think, though, this is something you two can work through. So he has a few late nights, a man can go out and let loose without his wife every once in a while. Now that you two have this open knowledge of his proclivities, you can just plan those nights out in advance.

They have since discontinued the Farmer’s Almanac, so you can’t romantically check the moon cycle in a handheld book on top of your bread box, like how I grew up. Did you all ever get the Farmer’s Almanac? I did not grow up on a farm and my family didn’t have a green thumb in the bunch. Yet, we always had one. Each month had a little poem about what the weather, and important dates throughout history, and even what vegetables, grains, and fruit should be harvested and when. There were also articles about innovations in farming, hiking, fishing, hunting, and other outdoorsy goings on. I, for one, have never been particularly excited about any one those activities but I loved reading about them. Anyways, start tracking those days with like… an app or something.

I’m not telling you that you need to stay with him. I’m just saying you need to talk this out. Ten years of marriage ain’t nothing. That’s the paper anniversary! There are plenty of husbands that are monsters every single day to their spouses. He is just a monster out in your community once a month! Not only is marriage about communication, but it also about compromise. Maybe this is a compromise you should be willing to deal with? I say yes with a silver bullet, okay maybe not a silver bullet.

NEWS

Next week The Worcester Comedy Club opens up with Corey Rodrigues. We have a great lineup the rest of the year as well. Check out the lineup and get your tickets today!

Share

Leave a comment

Here’s the link for tickets and such.

And also please subscribe! This outlet is 100 percent reader funded. Wouldn’t exist without you :~) —Bill

Subscribe now

Tip Jar!

Dear Shaun,

I know in the past you’ve given costume ideas for Halloween, and I thought it would be nice to read some more of your bad ideas as last year’s were so bad. Your readership thanks you in advance.

-Costume Curious

Dear Costume Curious,

I always struggle with the compliments I receive from this column. The title is of course Bad Advice, but I can’t help but squirm every time I’m told my advice is bad. Of course that is the goal, but as I write this in my ivory tower laughing at the huddled masses below I can’t help but bristle at the reality that people actually read this and then have an opinion about it. I thank you all for reading and you even think about it enough to decide one way or another about it. With all that said, here are your top six costume ideas for Halloween this, The Year Of Our Lord 2026, you fucking heathens.

1. Hasan Piker

You can be the lefty daddy that the entire internet desires (including the MAGAsphere). It is simple. You can be professional Hasan: suit, Clark Kent glasses. Or you could be thirst trap Hasan: no shirt, short shorts (if you don’t have the abs for this it would be funny to paint abs onto your normal torso). Either way if enough people go as Hasan for Halloween, Fox News will absolutely pick it up as a story because they have the biggest crush on him and maybe you could get a TV credit out of it!

2. Elizabeth Holmes

She’s back in the news with this Nathan Fielder documentary coming out. It is easy too, just wear all black, pin your hair back, and never blink. If you do it right those around you will have the same incredulous look Nathan Fielder has in the trailer.

3. The Parked Car City Councilor Kate Toomey Hit

Just a refrigerator box and some paint and you’ve got the victim of a botched police response and a charmed public official’s carnage. It can be a couple’s costume where your partner could go as Kate. It’s not an election year, so you don’t need to have her pretend she is injured or ailing you can be the normal asshole she is. For full veritas, make sure the person going as Kate gets wasted at the party and drives you home.

4. Me

You can get really wild with it. I mean you can be REALLY mean about it. Big ole mustache, stupid looking shirts, too many kids in your hand, Mets hat, you can paint your face to look like a sad clown, the high water pants can get really high, and make sure you also get drunk, but be safe about it and get an Uber like a normal sane person.

5. A US Senator

Pick any one of them. But dress as the most accurate ghoul you could imagine. I mean get a Hollywood make-up artist. Go all in on the design. Look as broken down, decrepit, and heinous as you can think. If there was a way to express selfishness, corruption, and apathy towards human suffering then do that. Maybe even hold a “bill” that states you don’t care about children.

6. IDK like a sexy IDF Soldier?

You can be scary and hot at the same time. I guess the more I think about this the more it is just Gal Gadot. So hot, so much blood on her hands.

There you go there are my 2026 Costume ideas. They are all terrifying in their own special way. If you end up going as any of these send them my way at woocomedyweek@gmail.com

NEWS

I am hosting the 2nd Annual Woostock at Off the Rails this Saturday. There is an amazing lineup of Worcester bands playing and it really should be a fun time. Bill, my boss, will be there with a table so go say what’s up and buy some merch.

Also the days are counting down till The Worcester Comedy Club Opens up! Tickets are moving don’t miss out on our opening night with Corey Rodrigues! Get your tickets for 10/23 or any other Friday for the rest of this year here!

Share

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Tip Jar

Also be sure to read to the end for some very exciting news! —Bill

October Horrorscopes

Libra- Halloween season has officially begun. Which means scaring anyone at anytime is allowed. Fake pregnancies, coming out to your MAGA uncle, and thinking about AI are all on the table.

Scorpio- Thank you for reaching HORRORSCOPES. This may be recorded for quality assurance purposes. If you want your horrorscope, enter your 9 digit social security number followed by the # symbol.

Sagittarius- Go leaf peeping, be a real pervert about it.

Capricorn- Fortune is on the horizon. You will never meet that horizon. The stars have the fortune on a fishing hook and they will keep reeling it out of your reach each time you bend over.

Aquarius- To be more socially conscious you must no longer use notepads. All of your to do lists are now tattooed on you, “Memento” style. If you need a good tattooer contact Katie Nowicki.

Pisces- The moon told me to tell you that they are not talking to you right now. If you have anything to say to tell me at woocomedyweek@gmail.com. I don’t know what you did but the moon is waxing and waning on your relationship right now.

Aries- If you live in Worcester, drunk driving is legal now. So either roll the dice or get the hell off the road.

Taurus- The next time you’re asked, “Any questions for me?” respond by asking what their body count is. I don’t care if this is at the Parent/Teacher conference, I don’t care if it is at a job interview. You’re either going to come off as bold, or you’re going to know that your new boss or kid’s teacher is prude as hell.

Gemini- In the sand there are two sets of footprints, yours and that guy at the beach that jogs with a weighted vest and screams during his push up reps. He is in shape, but he looks unhealthy? You know that guy? He’s walking next to you. Making you feel strange.

Cancer- The planets are tired of you asking. The planets are up there. Ask them how they are doing once in a while.

Leo- If you don’t have a Halloween costume idea for this season, what the hell is your problem? You should have decided back in July. Are you even into Halloween or are you just a poser? I bet you’ve never seen Halloween II. Me lol either, but I know witches are involved. Bet you didn’t know that. Just don’t go as inflatable T. Rex, go as something topical like RFK Jr.’s hot tub jeans or something.

Virgo- I forgot to mention last week, stretch before twerking (you’re not as young and nimble as you used to be).

NEWS

Tonight I am at Bill’s Bar in Boston. Saturday I’m at Wong Dynasty in Holden. Next week I am hosting Woostock at Off the Rails.

BUT HERE IS THE BIG NEWS.

I am helping open a real-live comedy club in Worcester! It is aptly called Worcester Comedy Club (266 Park Ave) and to ease our way into being a full-time club we are running shows on nearly every Friday for the rest of the year! Our opening night is October 23rd at 8PM. Headlining is the legend Corey Rodrigues. Please consider come celebrating opening night by getting your tickets here. If you’re busy that night, we are open every Friday going forward, minus Black Friday and Christmas.

Leave a comment

Share

Subscribe now

Tip Jar!

Dear Shaun,

I feel like I keep getting away with things. I thought I believed in karma, but I have yet to see the other side really get me. I haven’t done awful things, but I have got away with way more than I ever thought was possible. Craziest part is I think I have what younger kids call “imposter syndrome” where I think I don’t deserve any of the success I’ve experienced. I have never read your column, but I feel like I have no where else to turn. Could you guide me?

-Dismayed

Dear Dismayed,

I have definitely made mistakes [see my last column]. I have atoned for some, but not all. But I also can’t complain about my life right now. So yes, I too feel like I have gotten away with stuff that maybe I didn’t deserve. I have a wonderful family, a great community around me, a supportive system of loved ones and I am relatively happy. What you seem to be working through is different. I sense guilt in your missive to me.

I ain’t no therapist, but I do go to therapy. It feels like whatever you’re working through needs to be talked about, at length, with a professional. If the things you have done are so awful, have you sought forgiveness? Have you tried to right the wrongs you’ve committed? Do you know what is actually wrong and what is actually right or are you just going off what the righteous have told you?

My guess: you are looking for your feelings of guilt to be absolved without the work done on your end. This next part is purely metaphor and by no means is accusatory or based on a real scenario. But your situation, the looking for forgiveness with no real consequences, feels like if you were to have a couple of drinks at night. And after having a couple of drinks, you want to have a couple more. When you’re done drinking you definitely don’t feel good to drive, but hey you’ve done it before, you’ll take the risk. As you drive you find it more difficult than usual. Maybe you didn’t have a large enough dinner, maybe that last drink was one more than your aging body could take. Maybe, you shouldn’t drive drunk. As you’re playing all of those scenarios in your head you realize the car has stopped. You then realize that the reason your car has stopped is because you have hit another car. You panic and try to back your car out, but you can’t. You look and notice that no one is in the car, it seems to have been parked. As you’re running through ideas in your head of what to do next, the police show up.

Maybe you have a relationship with police. Maybe they recognize that you are that person that has a relationship with the police. You feel woozy. Woozy enough that it is difficult to find your license. Woozy enough that you can’t spell your name out loud, and even have a difficult time writing it. In your wooziness you ask if you can phone your friend. Your friend is also a powerful person.

We are still in metaphor mode here, but you realize in this whole hullaballoo that you may actually get in trouble. But then the police do not ask you to get out of the car, they do not ask you to perform a field sobriety test, they do not ask to check your ABV, they treat you like you’ve always been treated. I mean you didn’t kill anyone right? Your car is too damaged to drive and you are offered a ride home from the same folks who are not putting you to task. You got away with it again. And that whole scenario kind of perfectly encapsulates your situation. The norms you’ve created for yourself are protecting you from receiving any real consequence.

Here is my bad advice. Quit. Quit everything. Drinking, your job, your current life as it is constructed. You’ve got to start from scratch, like Bruce Wayne in “Batman Begins.” Go fight a scarecrow in Japan. What I wouldn’t do is blame the parked car, step away from your life long enough to where you hope the public forgets about your circumstances. That would be a cop out and you continuing your shitty behavior.

I don’t know who you are or where you live. But based on all this I would be embarrassed to know you, until you actually face your demons and heal your relationships.

NEWS

If you’re looking for something to do this weekend, come on up to the Portland Hotdog Safari. It is on Saturday September 26th and is going to be a real party.

Oh! Also stay tuned for some big Worcester Comedy news in the coming week. You’re going to want to know. Till then!

Leave a comment

Share

Subscribe now

Tip Jar!

Dear Shaun,

I am starting my freshman year in high school and so far the transition has felt very overwhelming. I am having a hard time finding my classes, I don’t know where to sit in the cafeteria, and a lot of my friends from middle school are in different classes. I just want to know does it get better? Or am I in for a real hard four years?

-Fretting Freshman

Dear Fretting Freshman,

Don’t believe the hype from pop culture. High school is neither the best time of your life nor is it the worst time of your life. When all is said and done it is just another phase of your miserable existence. If you go into high school knowing that life is shit and we all just have to move forward because the clock has informed us to, the easier everything will be.

Now, should you strive to be a good student? If that is what you want, that is what you should do. If you want to pick and choose where to succeed in your academics, be my guest! (It worked for me). If you want to wreak havoc, by all means, go for it. With all of these choices there are consequences, of course. Try hard? You may have less of a social life. Pick and choose? You may have fewer options for yourself post-graduation. Wreak havoc? Most likely you’re arrested.

I had done some pretty stupid things in my high school career. Partly because I reminded myself that it all doesn’t matter. I used to stomp around the cafeteria like a Velociraptor. I would jump on to tables and eat kids’ food without my shortened hands. I would yelp and scream and cause absolute chaos. I never once got in trouble for it. Including my last lunch when I was a senior, I received a stand ovation from the entire cafeteria including the teachers, who told me they were going to miss my performances.

In another instance, I started streaking at parties. At first, some folks didn’t really like it. The mood was homophobic. It was always guys yelling at me. It got to the point that after a while it became known that I was the guy that got naked at parties, and after a while I was just a naked guy at the party. I would play beer pong or sit and have a conversation. I guess you could say I was a nudist? If anyone ever yelled or asked me to put my clothes on, I would. But most times everyone kind of didn’t see me as naked. They treated me as an equal.

You do not have to perform as a extinct creature or expose your body in public. That is not the bad advice. The bad advice is care less. Can’t find your class? You’ll be late, and then you’ll get a detention and then maybe you meet your new best friend in that detention. Don’t know where to sit in the cafeteria? Just start sitting. If that table doesn’t talk to you, go to the next one. My freshman year the older punk kids I tried sitting with would mock me for liking Cave In and not Saves the Day (you don’t need to know these references). Eventually they realized that it didn’t faze me and they kept letting me sit. You only see your friends after school? Perfect, why would you want to hang out with them while learning about Mesopotamia? Go get into trouble outside of school and drink a dirty soda or whatever.

I’m doing a lot for you here. I hesitated putting in writing the getting naked thing. But I did it for you. Don’t blow this.

NEWS

This weekend I will be playing in a basketball tournament run by a bunch New York comedians. It is called The Big Walkowski. It is run by Joel Walkowski. He just wrote a great book titled Honolulu Blues. Go get yourself a copy. This year we are honoring a great friend that I’ve mentioned here before, John Rosenberger. The tournament raises money for LiveOnNY a organization that helps with Organ Donation. If you feel like donating, please do.

Next week Hot Dog! is back on September 18th. Stay tuned!

Share

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Tip Jar!

HORRORSCOPES

Virgo- Twerk like no one is watching.

Libra- The stars were just wondering if you had a few bucks you could lend them. They are good for it. I can vouch for them. They’re good. Yeah, they have their past and some of them have died recently, but the ones who are asking are chill and reliable. Be cool, man.

Scorpio- The planets are aligned. They have unionized and have demands. First, they feel grossly underpaid. I’m just the middle man, so I’m going to stay out of this. But you should definitely come to the negotiation table and offer a solution quickly.

Sagittarius- The NFL season has started. Kiss your loved ones, and we’ll talk to you again in March.

Capricorn- The Red Sox are doing well, so things in your life are not going as well. You haven’t noticed yet because of the rose-colored glasses you are watching these games through. On their next off day just check in with those you care about, there are some things you must attend to.

Aquarius- The moon is pissed.

Pisces- Try something you’ve never done before. But it has to be illegal. The stars are still waiting on that loan and want to see if you can come through for them. Maybe just stick your hand in a tip jar? Or commit some light wire fraud?

Aries- Watch someone twerk like they don’t see you watching.

Taurus- Start to keep a diary. This will help you get out some of those thoughts you feel even your therapist can’t hear. Write so much that eventually you’re thinking this stuff is pretty genius. Write to the point where you think that someone is going to have to read this. That is when you finally get to post your Charlie Kirk / JD Vance Erotic Fan Fic. Part zombie apocalyptic tale, part lustful romance where they use all the holes.

Gemini- Ooooh, okay. The moon is into you. He is telling everyone how much of a crush he has one you. Keep doin’ what you’re doin’.

Cancer- Remind yourself that you are not an expert and no one cares about your half-brained theories on crimes that you have only read about on the news and on Reddit pages. You don’t know shit.

Leo- When in doubt ask yourself what Dolly Parton would do. She made so much fucking money, you should probably follow her footsteps. Even if that means making some shitty Hallmark Christmas movies. Exploit yourself, become uber-rich and people will still think you’re a good person.

Share

Leave a comment

NEWS

Tonight we have a great show at Boland’s Irish Bar and Patio. The show is always free and we honestly should charge for how good the lineups are. This one is no different. Show starts at 8PM!

Subscribe now

Dear Shaun,

My friends all tell my that my collection of pop culture items are a waste of time, energy and money. They say it’s the reason that I am single. They say that if I were to ever bring someone home that would be so turned off. That if there was someone who was excited about it, they continue, that person would be too much like me and not want to hook up, but rather look at and fawn over my collectibles. Could you tell them that I am comfortable with who I am and that I should keep these toys and posters?

-Pop Culture Conundrum

Dear Pop Culture Conundrum,

Who the hell are these friends? Are they all wearing letterman jackets and nestling footballs and staring at each others’ butts, repressing their homosexual tendencies? Their advice sounds straight out of a teen sex comedy. Or, are your friends mean dweebs? Are they being mean because you have a Spider-Man #300 where Venom is introduced but it is the re-issue and not and original first press? Are they saying that having this stuff is embarrassing because they aren’t impressed with your collection? Or, are your friends supportive but they just don’t think someone [insert age you are] should still be focusing on toys and comic books.

Any way you look at it, who the fuck are they to judge? You have money, I assume, from the job you work at and you can spend that money however you would like. If you had kids and you were getting Rick and Morty Funkos instead of putting food on the table that is one thing, but if you are single and buying these things make you happy then why are your dumbass friends even saying anything? I guarantee one of them bets on sports online. I guarantee one of them loves cruises. I guarantee one of them doesn’t know they are double paying for Netflix.

Sure you have a Mars Attacks movie poster framed and matted. But your buddy has the 1-800-GAMBLING pop-up each time he’s about to enter another idiotic parlay for the Braves vs. Tigers series. Sure you have a “My Neighbor Totoro” diorama that is 1/64 scale. But your friend is showing you picture of the Caribbean without telling you about the parasite they picked up after eating at the seafood buffet on Carnival. And yeah, you hired an artist to create photorealistic painting of your best-played game in Settlers of Catan, but your other friend forgot to logout at their AirBnB in Nashville and now Superhost Jeremy gets to watch Tony Hinchcliffe’s special every night on your pal’s dime.

Spend your money however you want. Sure you can’t take all of these things with you when you die. But you know who is keeping something for a while even after they’re gone your friend’s new roommate the parasite. Tell your friends that there will be a person who will not appreciate your stuff, but they will be turned on by it. Ultimately, if you are open and true to yourself as well as the world someone is going to recognize that try to keep you in the box for eternity. You’re more valuable that way.

Leave a comment

Share

NEWS

Next week we are back at Boland’s on Thursday September 3rd. The hilarious Tim Champa will be closing it out. I will also be hosting the Pulse Music Awards that night. It is free and I genuinely have a blast hosting it. Don’t forget, every Tuesday at Ralph’s I’m hosting the Live Forever comedy open mic. List goes out at 7:30.

Subscribe now

Tip Jar!

Dear Shaun,

Could you settle an argument my boyfriend and I are having? I say that you’ve got to wait for either a signal or a car to stop to cross the street in a crosswalk. My boyfriend says as long as you are in the crosswalk you are safe to walk and shame on the cars for driving dangerously. He actually is reading over my shoulder right now and wants to add that you really can walk across the street at any time because pedestrians have the right of way and jaywalking isn’t a real enforced law.

-Wondering Walkers

Dear Wondering Walkers,

Of course the easiest thing to do is look up the actual law here in the great Commonwealth of Massachusetts. That is boring and also All Cucumbers Are Bountiful. You, the writer, are correct that you should be cautious when walking with your loved ones and wait to see if the three-ton murder machines are going to stop and allow you to get to the other side of the street. However your boyfriend, the man who stoops over you as you write, is right that pedestrians have the right of way and cars should be cautious of crossers.

Unfortunately, we do not live in a caring and compassionate society. Picture this, boyfriend, you are attempting to cross the street like you are Frogger incarnate. Folks are in oversized SUVs, on their phone, and eating fries from Chick-Fil-A, and you are merely trying to get to the Little Free Library at your local Universalist Church. Of course those Nissan Rogues should go against their namesake and stop when they see a living, breathing human in front of them. But that is just it: they are not seeing you, boyfriend, they are trying to get a “flush five” or whatever on Balatro while fighting with their ex on their phone. Holding the phone mind you, not using the hands-free option that they definitely have based on the year their car was made.

Now you, the writer, a clear narc—you are also in the wrong. How are you going to get through life waiting for someone else to let you do what you want to do? Sure, patience is a virtue, but action is success. While your boyfriend runs across the road avoiding semis and jumping on lily pads you are literally standing on the sidelines with no option to beat his high score. Of course, you believe in humanity to do the right thing. I bet you went to Clark University and you love Ted Lasso (I do as well). We all can’t be pie in the sky, sometimes that pie is on the windowsill and you have to grab it.

You’re both wrong. Nothing should be done in extremes. Extremes bring us aunts yelling at children on Facebook about bike lanes or fathers ignoring their wives to listen to more conservative talk shows. Sometimes the path best taken is a quick jaunt across the street when you have enough time before another vehicle is swerving while watching the Nelk Boys stream. But sometimes you got to wait and chill. Just be cool?

NEWS

Still dipping my toes back into shows so I don’t have a lot going on at the moment. But you can find me at Ralph’s every Tuesday for the foreseeable future! Love you guys!

Share

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

This so happens to be Shaun’s first post back since the one-week paternity leave I graciously and also generously allowed him. All tips today go straight to Mr. New Baby Daddy (a name he insists you all call him now). —Bill

Tip Jar!

HORRORSCOPES

Leo- If your stomach hurts, it is probably just gas. I know you haven’t developed how to pass gas properly yet, so just cry loud enough, pull your knees to your chest, and I’ll help massage it out of you.

Virgo- Your feces were originally black, now they are a yellow rice-like substance. The planets are telling you that you are out of the darkness and into the multi-textured light that is existence.

Libra- I know you can only see four feet in front of you, and the stars suggest that is the smartest thing for you right now. You should only come in contact with things that are within your grasp. Anything beyond that radius is not worth your time and a greater distraction in your life.

Scorpio- Sometimes you just need a change. Things can be wet. Things can be squishy. Things can be just feel stale and forgotten. All that needs to happen is a quick wipe clean and a brand new start.

Sagittarius- Communicate less. Use sound and gesture to get your point across.

Capricorn- Your hair will change. It always can. I currently have my head buzzed. Yours will take a new shape, and you can keep it, discard it, dye it, or tie it. Your head may even outgrow it.

Aquarius- You’re in need of making brand new connections in your life. While these relationships are new, different and foreign, they will keep you alive. You are loved, hold these new people in your life close.

Pisces- You’ve spent most of the last year holed away in your own filth. It was dark and you kept to yourself. A recent change has forced you out into the world. The stars suggest taking this challenge head on, screaming.

Aries- There is an older person in your life who is taking your change just as hard you are. Realize that they are experiencing you just as much as you are experiencing them. Give them grace and they will too.

Taurus- Dogs fear you. Keep your hands to your damn self for a while.

Gemini- Sometimes it is best to sleep it off. Sure you’ve got to eat and interact with your surroundings. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just to rest.

Cancer- I’ve recently become a father yet again. Give me a break and I’ll get back to you next week. Or, if you are really that needy, go use Leo’s.

Share

Leave a comment

NEWS

August 14th is the comedy kickoff show Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island. Show is at 8PM and this is my first show back doing comedy since I had my baby. COME HANG!!

August 15th is THE WORCESTER HOTDOG SAFARI.

Subscribe now

Tip Jar

Dear Shaun,

Is it even worth it to boycott certain companies? Is my lack of purchases at Amazon, Target, BP, etc. really making a difference? It has been proven that giant companies will get bailed out by the government if they crash. So is Jeff Bezos really feeling the impact of me not using his store to get my laundry detergent? Should I go the extra step to continue to buy local? It feels like I am not even making a dent in the grand scheme of late-stage capitalism.

-Frustrated Finances

Dear Frustrated Finances,

Recently, at 39 years old, my body has blessed me with a new ailment that I will now seemingly struggle with the rest of my life. I run a mile five days a week, I play basketball for two hours every Sunday and walk my dogs for a mile twice a day. I try and eat healthy and fresh as often and possible and, sure, I drink alcohol, but I am by no means a binge drinker. However! I have now twice suffered the King’s Ailment that is known as gout.

Gout occurs typically in the great toe joint. It is unfiltered uric acid that builds up in those joints and then outputs tiny crystallized shards of that built up uric acid. I know gout has a harmless name and it is tied to those who overindulge in drinking, red meat and seafood but I must tell you that it is a pain I have never experienced in my life. I have woken up in the middle of my wisdom teeth extraction. I have woken up in the middle of two different root canals. I have been broken up with the same week I was shopping for a wedding ring. I have experienced pain. This hits different. Mothers who has given birth excluded, this pain is the most excruciating.

It hurts to the touch, it hurts not to the touch, it kept me awake all night once because the attack was so severe. In the past two weeks I have been able to stably walk on both feet for a total of two days. My wife is currently 39 weeks pregnant and she had to take care of me instead. While the pain of my toes were unbearable it paled in comparison to the pain of watching your waddling wife go up and down stairs to get your water, food and ice packs. Her feet are so swollen and she had to use those plump pedis to serve me! Stab me in the heart.

My doctor said that my kidney looked good and that my uric acid levels were not alarming and atypical to gout sufferers. Which means my body has just decided that it no longer wants to process that acid. My body gave up on me. My body said “hey you’re doing a pretty good job staying in shape, maybe too good. So we wanted to stop functioning in one key area to really give you a challenge, pussy.” Woah so toxic body! Why would my body use such language? I’m sorry about my body everyone. Not cool.

As far as boycotting goes, keep boycotting. But buy shares in these companies so you too can profit off their evil. If you can’t beat them, join them. Bad advice folks!

NEWS

My baby’s birth is imminent. I am a psycho and still will be writing. See you next week!

Share

Leave a comment

Subscribe now

Tip Jar

July Horrorscopes

Cancer- The stars request that you send you resubmit your resume. The position you sought in this universe has been filled. However, after a recent merger, some similar positions have opened up that the star feel you might be a great fit for. Please allow 7-10 business days for a response. Thank you.

Leo- We just got a bidet and now I’m a freak for it. Get you a bidet if you don’t already. We should all wash our ass properly.

Virgo- July 1st was the day that the New York Mets pay former player Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million. The owners were in the middle of getting had by Bernie Madoff and didn’t have the money to buy out Bonilla so they came up with this payment system instead starting in 2011. Bonilla retired in 2001. He will continue to get paid until 2035. Find your Bonilla scheme.

Libra- July 1st was also Canada Day, a celebration of the day Canada decided to not pay Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million from 2011 to 2035. O Canada, indeed!

Scorpio- The United States Men’s Soccer team made it to the 16th round of the World Cup before losing to Belgium last night. The United States is the richest and most powerful country in the world, and only we can twist ourselves in such a pretzel to make it seem like it was an underdog story. Sure we don’t put as many resources in our soccer program as every other country, comparatively, but that is the same with out education system. Should the principal at high school graduation say, “do you believe in miracles?!” as each kid walks across the stage as well? Reminder: you’re a miracle.

Sagittarius- Sure it is too hot outside. Soon enough it will be too cold. (Editor’s note: prophetic submission, given Shaun wrote this when it was hot last week, and it’s now cold.) Then, just when you think the temperature is good enough to go out, it will rain (see above). Then, when the rain stops that wind will blow. All I’m saying is Al Gore didn’t invent the internet, but he was right about one thing.

Capricorn- EVER DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE? YEAH ME NEITHER.

Aquarius- Jupiter and Mars saw you from across the universe and really like your vibe. They were wondering if you wanted to go some place quieter to get to know each other better?

Pisces- To celebrate America’s 250th birthday go sit in your neighbor’s backyard and gaslight them. Tell them that this is your fire pit and your family needs it or your kids will die.

Aries- Want some updog?

Taurus- I got Aries so bad.

Gemini- There is a dead raccoon that has yet to be picked up by DPW. It is on Newton St. The 311 Mobile App for Worcester has been blowing up with posts about it. You are the raccoon. Sure you’re ignored now, but someone cares about you and eventually you will be picked up. Couldn’t say the same for the snake someone reported the other day.

NEWS

I’m taking July off because the entrance of baby number 2 is imminent. I will still be hosting the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s Rock Diner every Tuesday at 8 p.m. until she comes. That’s tonight!

Share

Leave a comment

Get 50% off for 1 year

Dear Shaun,

I miss the Tartan Army. Should I move to Scotland?

-Tartan in Tatters

Dear Tartan in Tatters,

I feel you, that crew is amazing. Yes, the chants and the bagpipes and the traffic cones on statues’ heads were great. They are a gregarious bunch who won over Boston. One of my favorite parts of the whole experience was Boston, which thinks it’s a drinking town, was just triple-lapped by the Scots. Sam Adams, the flagship brewery in the city, RAN OUT OF BEER. Someone from Hennessey’s in Haymarket Square was quoted as saying that one visit from them was like St. Patrick’s Day times three. St. Patrick’s Day in Boston is the day that Beantown is at its sloppiest and that was a random Wednesday. And they were polite and clean, didn’t fight anyone in the middle of street. Take notes Boston, the only people you should be fighting are the yuppies from BC who are leaning on your friend when they talk about their summer plans on Nantucket.

I learned an interesting fact about part of the reason we fell in love with the Tartan Army. A while back, Scottish fans were hooligans like the a lot of the U.K. fandom. Wherever they played they would terrorize and destroy the towns they played in. Then they realized, “why would we act like the English? We hate the English.” They then decided to be the most genial and fun-loving group that they could be and kill everyone with kindness and stick to the Royals. I love these Scots the more I learn about them. Most recently a newly elected Member of Parliament for the Scottish government crossed her fingers as she was sworn in and supposed to pledge allegiance to the King and vowed to serve the people of Scotland first. This country rules!

Moving there could be tough, you’ll have to get a visa to work there or have family there already. I know these football fans felt like family, but legally, you’r just drinking buddies. Here is my suggestion: learn the bagpipes. Your neighbors will love it. Order some Irn-Bru, prepare a spice bag (local bars take notice on this one), and have your own backyard Highlands. They brought a bit of Scotland to us, you can keep a bit of Scotland right here right now.

I know wearing a kilt, as an American, is very much Hot Topic-kid coded. But you can also just own it. You don’t need to go away from your home to enjoy the energy of Scotland, you can eat stuffed sheep hearts and livers anywhere. It is even available in a can!

Please, definitely go visit. Just remember that the honeymoon period may be over by the time you get there. Not every place you visit is Disneyland, and not every visit from others will be like that first time. I have been on plenty of first dates that were magical, but for some of them I can’t even remember their name now. Don’t get burned by the love bomb from the Scots. Give it time to breathe. Breathe circularly, into a tartan-designed sheep stomach with pipes attached in your backyard, for all of your neighborhood to hear.

NEWS

I am hosting the all-gender swimsuit competition at the Ralph’s Rock Diner Beach Party tonight. A very cool and very good surf-rock band, The Deep Ones, from Providence are playing as well.

With my baby due in 5 weeks I will not be performing anymore until after she starts to sleep better. But if you do want to see me still I will be hosting the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s every Tuesday at 8PM.

On Wednesday I learned that my great friend John Rosenberger had died. John was the best of all of us. I have never met a kinder, more sincere person. We met over Zoom as you do in the pandemic. He hosted a Zoom record release that I did with Will Abeles. But our friendship didn’t spark until he reached out about doing a show at Nick’s Bar in Worcester with Allie Rose. The night of the show there was such a terrible storm Bryan O’Donnell and I were very worried there wasn’t even going to be a show. It was a Wednesday before Labor Day weekend, 2021, and we were still kind of roiling with COVID. There were about 30 people in that side room, packed in and laughing. Allie and John crushed and then they drove in an even worst part of the storm to John’s families home in West Stockbridge.

There isn’t some significant portion of that story. We’ve had better crowds, we’ve had better weather, but the company was impeccable. John could hang. Sure, part of it was he knew how to knock a couple back, and cigarette smoking can make one even more social. But it was more than that, he asked about you and he had stories for days. The metaphor I will shove into this is that doing comedy can feel like a storm on a random Wednesday: wind whipping around you, it feels sort of dangerous, you can feel very alone and as you stand in it the world can feel so cruel. But in that cozy bar there was John looking you in the eye and telling you how much fun he had and how impressed he was with Bryan and I and our ability to put on shows.

During a particularly hard time not too long ago, I posted something about how I was having a hard time and John wrote back to me:

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you earlier but I not only think you’re a pretty good dad but I think you’re a stellar comedian and more importantly you’re a great lynchpin of a great scene. You are an amazing ambassador and the hard work you’ve done to make Worcester a welcoming place for comedians does not go unnoticed. Any time I talk to comedians about Boston I always bring up Worcester and you in particular and anyone who has met you has nothing but the most glowing things to say. You made Allison and I feel very at home and showed us a good time in the middle of a monsoon. You will always be appreciated.

John had the ability to distill you down to your best attributes. He still saw you, with all your flaws, but he knew why he wanted to be around you. John said in that message that whenever I come up people have nice things to say, but that really is him more so than me. Fucking Johnny Rose was loved by everybody. You point at a comedian in NYC and they will tell you that John is the best and they’ll have a story about a specific nice thing he did.

Yesterday as I was numb and doom scrolling on my phone I found solace in the outpouring of posts about him. Everyone had nearly the same thing to say about him. The amount of times it was people saying that John was their first friend when they moved to NY. Or that they would be so anxious going to mics and shows when they first moved and then they would see John’s face and feel at ease about being there. John made an effort. His input was love and his output was love.

The first thing I thought about was his cats. He had Grandpa, his cat in his apartment, but he also kept so many cats in Alphabet City alive. He cared and fed for these tiny nearly defenseless creatures. Us comedians were also his cats. John led a life of herding cats. It is near impossible to do so, and yet he did it. He nurtured all us ornery, angry, smelly, difficult strays. He listened to your album, he watched your special, he read your manuscript, and showed up to your taping. John tended to all us outdoor cats with compassion.

Selfishly I am going to miss him because I’m going to miss having such a big fan in my corner. When I got the call from Joel Walkowski (pre-order your copy of Honolulu Blues now) he said he called me, because “John was your biggest fan and was always talking about you.” I hope he knew that we were all his biggest fan too.

John at Vincent’s after wrestling an inflatable hotdog at George’s Coney Island in 2025.

No plug this week. Heart goes out to Shaun and everyone else in John’s life. Sounds like a man I’d have liked to meet. If you have a memory of John you’d like to share, feel free to do so in the comments. —Bill

Share

Leave a comment

Horrorscopes

Gemini- There is a whole different galaxy that is requesting your presence. The current stars and planets are encouraging you to go and explore new space. They are sort of sick of you.

Cancer- The meteor that crashed wasn’t a meteor but a multilevel media ad campaign for Steven Speilberg’s “Disclosure Day.” You were duped. Soon a recent college theater major graduate will be dressed like an alien in your backyard.

Leo- Wake up early once a week and watch the sunrise. Also blare Van Halen on your back porch so everyone else wakes up and see the majesty that is the signal of the beginning of the day.

Virgo- It’s Pride Month, don’t forget to pander to the nearest queer person.

Libra- Stop asking about other pride months. It used to be fun to be contrary but now it smells of bow-ties and white nationalism. I acknowledge that you think it is smart to want to have a human-pride month. But our future AI Overlords will use that against us in the coming Robot Wars.

Scorpio- Congrats on participating in No Mow May, where you didn’t mow your lawn for the entire month. No please follow that up with No Jerk June. Interpret that however you’d like you sickos.

Sagittarius- June is the month for Father’s Day. Keep your eyes peeled in July when Dads are all half off at your local CVS.

Capricorn- Movies are back! Two low-budget horror movies are at the top earnings list. Go make a movie, it looks wicked easy.

Aquarius- I think a cowboy hat will suit you.

Pisces- Start a cult based on the meteor that crashed last week. Yeah I know I told Cancer it was a multilevel media ad campaign, but use that to sow doubt! Your followers need to believe you and only you!

Aries- Don’t forget sunscreen this summer. If anything it will mask your B.O.

Taurus- Just pick your nose. Give into your urges!

NEWS

It is ALS Awareness Month. A dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with ALS. She is married with two kids and her loving community held a fundraiser to help support her family during her struggle with this evil disease and for post-care for the family as well. The fundraiser was at Seven Saws in Holden. There were bands playing and there were a ton of raffle and silent auction items. I’ll was the MC for the day. I’m guessing a thousand people showed. If you missed it, here is the GoFundMe link.

On Sunday I was out in Great Barrington telling jokes at another fundraiser that is ALS related. This one was a fundraiser for folks with ALS to go to a Red Sox game and have full accessibility throughout the experience.

My dad died three years ago from ALS and was able to go to one of those Red Sox games. He got to see the greatest player of our generation, Shohei Ohtani, play before he passed and he loved every minute of it. ALS is so fucked up. Please consider these causes this and every month. The organization Compassionate Care ALS is doing this event and so much more for those with ALS. Please consider donating to them in general. They helped my dad, and have helped so many more. Here is more info on them.

Selfishly! On Thursday I am at Koto in Salem where Bryan O’Donnell and I are hosting our bonkers show Hot Dog! It is at 8PM and it is completely FREE.

Subscribe now

Tip jar

Also if you are new here, Worcester Sucks has a bunch of regular columns, this one included, and on the settings page you can pick and choose which you receive in your inbox. —Bill

Dear Shaun,

The World Cup is fast approaching and I really want to go to a match. I am a huge soccer fan, I am originally from Portugal and cannot wait to root for them. They are playing in Houston and I don’t think I could afford a plane ticket and a hotel room and a ticket to the actual game. If you add on food and a beer or two I’d be financially ruined. But I could watch Scotland or Ghana play here in Foxborough. Sure, train tickets are astronomical and driving and parking could be an all-day affair, but I really want to experience a World Cup game in my backyard! It is still expensive, but not as much as getting down to Houston. Should I go for it?

-Futebol Frenzied

Dear Futebol Frenzied,

You have to go. Of course you have to go. As a soccer fan (yes, soccer) you have already blurred or even deleted your morals. Owners of the club teams help support human trafficking, enslavement, wage gouging, terrorism, and tax evasion. Sure, these aren’t club teams, these are countries but these countries have also committed atrocities (America, ahem, ahem). Then there is the whole FIFA of it all. We don’t have to delve into the graft, corruption, and racketeering that goes on in the world federation organizing this event you so desperately want to give your hard earned money to, but FIFA ain’t exactly hitting their mission statement “…touch, unite, and inspire the world.” Touch and unite sure, you can’t escape FIFA and World Cup ads, unite as well, collectively the entire globe hates their guts.

I just checked the resale site at FIFA and the cheapest tickets in Boston are going for $609 dollars. That is 609 items at The Dollar Store. That’s 609 scratch tickets. That’s 609 coffees at Cumberland Farms. Of course that is a lot of money and all of those things I just mentioned may give you pause on shelling out for Iraq v. Norway. But think about all of the stupid rich people you can be rude to there. All of the morons who are drunk and not actual soccer fans. All of those assholes who are there to just take a picture for social media. You could be there too, watching the beautiful game, and “accidentally” bumping into trust fund and crypto bros. Make sure, no matter where your seats are, to sit near the country supporters. Sit with the Iraqis or Norwegians, they are there for the love of it and not for the internet clout. Grab a vuvuzela. Wave that country’s flag.

As far as being able to pay for it? Just Klarna it. Pay for this over time. And if you start to miss the payments? Who cares! The economy is going to tank soon. Your mere hundreds of dollars ain’t close to the billions that are going to crater large financial systems. I truly believe that when we go into another depression, Klarna’s reps will be in jail and the bank CEOs head’s will be on spikes. So yeah, your $609 to watch an incredible global sporting experience and bully rich chuds are just a drop in the vast financial expanse.

So blow your horn, paint your face, and chant “ole” to your heart’s desire. Even better convince everyone outside at the “Fan Zone” to storm the place. It will just be Foxborough cops who are so mad that, in their words, “Soccer queers” are playing on Tom Brady’s field. They’re going to be on their phones either fighting with their wives or ignoring their kids. So go in and take over the stadium, you won’t owe them anything.

NEWS

This Saturday is going to a blast. We have a multimedia story show at Hunchback Gallery. Comedians will be telling stories and using a PowerPoint presentation to send the message home in a very funny way. The show is free and you really aren’t going to want to miss it.

Thursday I’ll be at FreePlay doing a live D and D show. It is called Let’s Not Die and it starts at 8PM. You can buy tickets here!

Subscribe now

Tip jar

Dear Shaun,

This heat wave is killing me. I know that it is not always this hot, but I am strongly considering getting a pool. Do you think that is a good idea? I just think it would be nice to have a place to cool off, when I am really suffering in this uncomfortable heat. Am I missing something?

-Serious Swimmer

Dear Serious Swimmer,

The moment you drive a car off the lot, it has dropped in value. Sure you have a $540,000 Lamborghini, but you can only sell it back for half. That is not great in my opinion. Also, I assume none of you have a car of that value and if you do: Nice car, dork.

A pool is also depreciating in monetary value, not from the first time you pee in it, but when you stand over it and say, “wow I have a pool now.” It is not only a pit or giant bucket (depending on if you have an in-ground pool or above ground one) to fill with water and chlorine but it is also something to continue to throw money into. Your insurance will go up because you just put possible death in your backyard. Maintenance cost will get you in the hundreds per month. Weather could cause any number of damages. Late stage capitalism also plays a factor here, with the enshitification of products. Nothing lasts anymore and pool filters or pumps are no exception. Those are going to break and you are going to need to keep buying those. Plus with a pool there are going to be more opportunities for you to be pressured into hosting a party. And sure, you can ask people to BYOB and make a dish, but you’re buying your own food and drink in case your guests are lazy or horrible cooks. So that’s even more money you weren’t factoring in.

All that said, you gotta get a pool. I can see you now, cannonballing into it. Having a pool is the ultimate status symbol. You become a necessary thread in the fabric of your urban, suburban, or exurban community. Pools bring sports teams, dance troupes, and church cliques together. Some of the lamest kids I knew growing up had a pool, and that became their identity. They were suddenly tolerated in the group or at the lunch table because you wanted to go swim in their pool. They were absolute drips to hang with, but you turned a blind eye to their lack of personality as you slowly drip-dried in their kitchen, waiting for a snack after playing Marco Polo for an hour.

Do you lack a personality? Are you afraid of a public pool? Are you grossed out but weeds at the bottom of pond or lake? Is a sprinkler not enough for you? Do you not know anyone with ALS, so therefore you can’t dump a bucket of ice on your head? Do you not have AC? Do you not want to solve a puzzle in the air conditioned Public Library? If you answered “yes” to all of these you may be entitled to a pool in your backyard that you spend thousands to install and maintain.

You should, without a shred of doubt, get a pool. Invite me over and I too can ignore your story about how there were two yolks in one of the eggs you cracked to make brownies for this party. It won’t look rude though, I’ll just be having too much fun running in circles making a whirlpool.

NEWS

This Friday is the best show in Worcester: Hot Dog! It’s at the historic George’s Coney Island Hotdogs in Worcester and it is FREE. It is also at 8PM. We’ve got some great comics and great surprises ahead for this one.

I also want to point out a brand new show we’re putting together at Hunchback Gallery. Local comedian Adam Swanson approached us about having a storytelling comedy show where we can use photos, graphs and other visuals to highlight the story. It is also FREE and it is going to be a hoot. Poster below.

Subscribe now

Tip jar

Dear Shaun,

I think it is now safer than ever to hitchhike. I want to start doing it, but my loved ones are pleading with me to not take the risk. They all say that I should just call them if I need a ride. But in the age of the screen, I think this would be a very fun way to meet new people! Please tell me I can start hitchhiking!

-Hitchhike Hero

Dear Hitchhike Hero,

Of course you need to hitchhike. This column is called “Bad Advice,” if anyone is going to tell you to put your thumb or leg out to request a ride, it has got to be me. Not only should you do this, but I think the whole world has got to go back to this form of transportation. I mean what is the City of Worcester’s bus system but a very large, and very late, version of hitchhiking? Could be just as safe to be picked up by a soccer mom or a lonely man running errands. Sure it gets tricky when you need to get to Boston or Providence. That takes luck. But if you’re just trying to get around town it’s got to be pretty good.

My dad grew up in Pittsfield, MA and would hitchhike to basketball practice. He hitchhiked to go meet his date for prom. His brother once hitchhiked after a drinking party in the woods and got picked up by an older couple. After driving a ways, the woman asked where he went to school, he said St. Joseph’s. She responded, “Oh our grandsons go there!” And he says, “yeah gram it’s me!” So that could happen to you too! Get picked up by your grandma without her even recognizing you!

My father went to Assumption here in Worcester. And he would hitchhike back to Pittsfield for winter and summer break. I’m convinced the reason he decided to stay and work in Worcester is because he didn’t have a ride back to the Berkshires. Hitchhiking was very much a part of the culture right into the 70s. Then Reagan, Bush and Clinton had to start going on and on about “super predators” and take all the fun out of another way of transportation. Between those barely whistled racist terms and the 24-hour news cycle it does just seem inevitable that we would get rid of thumbing for a ride.

Speaking of the 24-hour news cycle, I just read Ted Turner’s obituary and he used to sing Nazi songs outside of Jewish fraternities and post KKK material on black students’ dorms at Brown University. He did not get kicked out of school for either of those acts. He got kicked out for having a woman in his dorm. Man, fuck Ivy Leagues.

Anyways, yes. Please hitchhike. Driving apps are just giving more money to the tech idiots who are trying to kill us with AI. (Yes, we understand Substack is part of that problem too, more on that soon.) Of course you could call a cab, but that costs money. Yes, the bus is free and is actually pretty great for the most part, but sometimes you’re standing up because there is piss on a seat or you’re stuck at an unofficial stop because someone is having mental health crisis. What’s the worst that could happen with hitchhiking? You die? Yeah, we’re all spiraling towards that anyway. You might just as easily die crossing the street in Webster Square or living in an old apartment that has asbestos. Plus, you could meet some cool people asking for a ride on the side of the road.

There are only two types of folks who pick up hitchhikers: lonely interesting people and lonely psychos. Fifty/fifty odds are a pretty good bet. Go ahead and hike up that skirt or stick out that thumb. Go meet your neighbors from their back seat!

Share

Leave a comment

NEWS

This week we have two shows. The first is on Saturday at Wachusett BrewYard in the Worcester Public Market. Tickets can be bought here. It has two amazing comedians from New York, Casey James Salengo and Courtney Maginnis. Check out Casey’s Special here. Check out Courtney’s here.

Then on Sunday American Flatbread is doing an Industry Night. There will be bowling and then at 7:30 we’ll have a nice little showcase for you. It is FREE and will be a very good time.

Subscribe / Tips / Merch Store

And still a few tickets left for the live Outdoor Cats event at Hunchback Gallery on Friday night! Our first live show and you never know possibly the last, so… tickets here. —Bill

Horrorscopes

Taurus- The moon just had four visitors and just can’t right now. So, like, I don’t know just go, like, talk to Orion or Venus or someone. The moon’s social battery is low and just needs to recharge. Come see them next month and maybe they can go on a walk or grab a drink or something. Thanks for understanding.

Gemini- The stars are not aligned, they are scattered. This is what happens when you don’t take care of your stuff. You’re missing one? See, what did I tell you. This wouldn’t have happened if you just picked up your stars before bed like I told you.

Cancer- Next time you’re at a party, bring cue cards. It will really liven up some conversations for some people.

Leo- Food noise is real. Those burgers are talking to you. They are gabbing. They want to be eaten. Give them what they want.

Virgo- Looking for a side gig? ASMR influencer. There are ears that need to listen to your wet mouth next to an expensive microphone.

Libra- There is a saying that some aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. But some tools aren’t meant to be sharp. A hammer is blunt and so are you. It is okay to tell your niece that purple is not a good color on her.

Scorpio- Not all who wander are lost. Except for you. That was three rights in a row, you’re back where you started, bro. Just please use GPS, it is okay to ask for help!

Sagittarius- This isn’t fun for me to report but you have to be the one to defend billionaires. I know, it isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the stars think that there needs to be more accessible villains than the Musks and Thiels of the world. You are the new target. Embrace the heel turn.

Capricorn- The planets are embarrassed to say they have come to the conclusion that it is okay to, in fact, Live, Laugh, and Love.

Aquarius- I have another child coming this summer. Please give her a chance and help the future be a livable place? I don’t care if it is revolution or just like voting in the midterms. Just be good? For her?

Pisces- If you run over one more squirrel, something awful is going to happen to you and your family.

Aries- You know how your mom or friend’s mom was just like an [insert cute animal] mom? Like I had a friend whose mom just had pigs everywhere. Whether you are a mom or not, it is imperative you begin to collect tchotchkes of an animal of your choosing. It can’t be tigers, you’re not a weird weed dealer from 2003.

NEWS

This week, May 7th, we are back at Boland’s Irish Pub. Chris Post is the headliner and he is a damned delight. That show is free and it starts at 8 p.m.

May 16th we are starting up a new show at Wachusett Brew Yard in the Worcester Public Market. You can get tickets here.

May 17th we are also doing a show at American Flatbread. That one is free and it should be a great time.

Subscribe / Tips / Merch Store

Dear Shaun,

My brother puts Michael Jackson and R. Kelly on playlists for parties. He can separate the art from the artist but apparently I can’t. Please tell him that it is not okay to put those songs on. Should I stay on my high horse and go dance in the mud with him?

-Remix to Ignition

Dear Remix to Ignition,

Recently I was in Fort Myers, Florida for a wedding. There were a lot of intense “this is a different part of the country” things that happened. Right after we got there we went to the beach and within minutes of being there, the DJ at the outdoor bar and beach area stopped his Top 40 hits to just play the National Anthem. The entire beach within ear shot of these speakers stopped what they were doing and put their hands over their heart and stood still. It was this solemn and jarring happenstance. My friends and I did not know what to do. I don’t think I have respected the National Anthem playing since I was in middle school. We didn’t put our hands over our hearts, but we did stop still and practically play Patriotic Possum. When the song ended, the DJ went right back into The Eagles or whatever, the volleyball game continued and people continued drinking their frozen drinks. We all stayed still, unsure of how to proceed.

Eventually we ate some tacos, got a beer and put our feet into the Gulf of America (Mexico). I started to lean into the absurdity of the experience. I bought a “Gulf of America” shirt actually, which is full of typos and grammatical oddities. I also started saying “hell yeah, brother” to every man that walked by. No one found it ironic and no one kicked my ass. One of us wanted some more food and we sat down at a Margaritaville spin-off restaurant. Next door was an outdoor pool and DJ set-up. That DJ may have been playing your brother’s playlist. We heard Kanye, we heard R. Kelly, we heard Michael Jackson, we heard Chris Brown and if we stayed any longer we were convinced we were going to hear “Anthem of the German Republic” with a hip-hop beat. The vibes were immaculate in the pool, and absolutely sour at our table.

I really was envious of the people at the pool. I was envious of the DJ. I was envious of everyone enjoying themselves and not thinking beyond the base-level of happiness. As far as those folks sipping a daquiri while on a floaty flamingo, “Gold Digger” is just a song they loved to dance to in high school. They weren’t thinking about Kanye’s current behavior and antisemitism. They were thinking about their old crush and what they are up to now. That’s what music can do for us. They can bring back sensory memories and nostalgia. I was envious of their ignorance.

Let your brother play his music. He is ignorant. You know what, you should play it too. Let’s all stop having a conscience. Let’s ignore the brutalities of the world. Let’s reward those who don’t give a fuck. It seems to be working for a lot of folks. Why can’t we lean into it? These folks have victims and we shouldn’t care. We should just worry about having a good time, for us, right here right now. Let’s dance ‘til our feet bleed. Now, please remove your caps and stand for our National Anthem.

NEWS

Friday (tonight) I am on a show that is truly unique. The only way for me to really explain it is for you to just show up and watch. It is at The Hotel Vernon and it is called The Made Up Show. It is hosted by Nate Hanet and features a ton of Worcester-based talent. It is at 8PM.

Saturday we have Casey Crawford headlining at Hunchback Gallery. Casey has been seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and has a new album out, “Joke Writer.” If you love dumb one liners that are actually incredibly smart and self-deprecating you’re going to want to come to this show. Grab your tickets here!

Share

Leave a comment

Get 20% off for 1 year

Dear Shaun,

I have a coworker, who, when they describe any sort of food they’re about to eat, are eating, or have eaten in the past, they make a disgusting slurping noise. This person was hired post-pandemic and we have only recently started going back into the office a few days a week. They were seemingly fine and sane on all the Zoom calls I had with them, however now that we are in much closer quarters, I am having a hard time putting up with this bullshit. Do you have any advice at all on how to deal with it? Should I confront them? Should I quit? Should I leave an anonymous note? Please the slurping is driving me up the cubicle wall.

-Slurps Up

Dear Slurps Up,

We here at Worcester Sucks and I Love It do not condone violence. I want to encourage you to do everything and anything in your power to not smack this person upside the head. I am assuming this person is not 22 and is a fully-fledged adult who should definitely know better than to act like this. If that is the case it is clear as day to me that this person has never been beaten up in their life.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re assuming that I’m assuming this person is a male. You would be wrong. Some of the most intense fights I have ever witnessed were between two females. I was a high school teacher for nearly a decade and those were some of the most violent matchups I’ve ever watched. Hair pulling, scratching, principal’s hair being pulled, biting, just the whole gambit of attempts to end someone else’s momentum. And yes, I watched, I was not going to get into the middle of that shit—you read where I said a principal’s hair was pulled? I don’t have much on my head, they could have gone after my eyeballs!

Your co-worker has clearly never been tossed around by someone who can’t stand their slurping. They need to feel that rage. Unfortunately, while I do give bad advice, some would say the worst advice, I can’t in good conscience put that in writing. I say you befriend this co-worker. You go out to dinner with them, where the slurping must intensify. You invite them to birthday parties. You invite them to cookouts. You invite them to any gathering. You bring them into the fold of your social life. At this same time you are rekindling your friendship with that one friend who is little unhinged.

You know that friend who gambles too much and blames it on outside outcomes for their loss of their own money? The friend who has an on-and-off thing with someone who is so toxic the last time they dated, that person set their couch on fire? The friend who wouldn’t have an office job making slurping noises in their cubicle because they just got fired from a road crew because the foreman didn’t like when your friend said his wife had “Octomom Hips?” You need to bring that friend around a whole lot more too.

Two things could happen. One, the slurper may just start to be around your friends more often and may learn the proper way to act when they are about to eat a burger. Or this jobless, single friend who is broke from too much Keno and college lacrosse bets may finally snap when they hear that “slurp.” Now, again, I don’t mean that this person punches your co-worker. But they definitely will snap at them. And you can’t snap at work, they have a term for that—“going postal”—though now with all the mass shootings in America, would it just be called, “going high school student?”

You need to expose your co-worker to a world outside polite norms. This is like Scared Straight for white collar workers. You are helping better society. We thank you for your work.

NEWS

I am in New Orleans this week! If you so happen to be down there, or know someone who is you should tell them that it is the New Orleans Hotdog Safari. Bryan O’Donnell and I are doing our show Hot Dog! at the amazing comedy club Sports Drink on Saturday at 10PM. This weekend is going to be a blast and I can’t wait to report back on how well it went.

Share

Leave a comment