On Wednesday I learned that my great friend John Rosenberger had died. John was the best of all of us. I have never met a kinder, more sincere person. We met over Zoom as you do in the pandemic. He hosted a Zoom record release that I did with Will Abeles. But our friendship didn’t spark until he reached out about doing a show at Nick’s Bar in Worcester with Allie Rose. The night of the show there was such a terrible storm Bryan O’Donnell and I were very worried there wasn’t even going to be a show. It was a Wednesday before Labor Day weekend, 2021, and we were still kind of roiling with COVID. There were about 30 people in that side room, packed in and laughing. Allie and John crushed and then they drove in an even worst part of the storm to John’s families home in West Stockbridge.

There isn’t some significant portion of that story. We’ve had better crowds, we’ve had better weather, but the company was impeccable. John could hang. Sure, part of it was he knew how to knock a couple back, and cigarette smoking can make one even more social. But it was more than that, he asked about you and he had stories for days. The metaphor I will shove into this is that doing comedy can feel like a storm on a random Wednesday: wind whipping around you, it feels sort of dangerous, you can feel very alone and as you stand in it the world can feel so cruel. But in that cozy bar there was John looking you in the eye and telling you how much fun he had and how impressed he was with Bryan and I and our ability to put on shows.

During a particularly hard time not too long ago, I posted something about how I was having a hard time and John wrote back to me:

I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you earlier but I not only think you’re a pretty good dad but I think you’re a stellar comedian and more importantly you’re a great lynchpin of a great scene. You are an amazing ambassador and the hard work you’ve done to make Worcester a welcoming place for comedians does not go unnoticed. Any time I talk to comedians about Boston I always bring up Worcester and you in particular and anyone who has met you has nothing but the most glowing things to say. You made Allison and I feel very at home and showed us a good time in the middle of a monsoon. You will always be appreciated.

John had the ability to distill you down to your best attributes. He still saw you, with all your flaws, but he knew why he wanted to be around you. John said in that message that whenever I come up people have nice things to say, but that really is him more so than me. Fucking Johnny Rose was loved by everybody. You point at a comedian in NYC and they will tell you that John is the best and they’ll have a story about a specific nice thing he did.

Yesterday as I was numb and doom scrolling on my phone I found solace in the outpouring of posts about him. Everyone had nearly the same thing to say about him. The amount of times it was people saying that John was their first friend when they moved to NY. Or that they would be so anxious going to mics and shows when they first moved and then they would see John’s face and feel at ease about being there. John made an effort. His input was love and his output was love.

The first thing I thought about was his cats. He had Grandpa, his cat in his apartment, but he also kept so many cats in Alphabet City alive. He cared and fed for these tiny nearly defenseless creatures. Us comedians were also his cats. John led a life of herding cats. It is near impossible to do so, and yet he did it. He nurtured all us ornery, angry, smelly, difficult strays. He listened to your album, he watched your special, he read your manuscript, and showed up to your taping. John tended to all us outdoor cats with compassion.

Selfishly I am going to miss him because I’m going to miss having such a big fan in my corner. When I got the call from Joel Walkowski (pre-order your copy of Honolulu Blues now) he said he called me, because “John was your biggest fan and was always talking about you.” I hope he knew that we were all his biggest fan too.

John at Vincent’s after wrestling an inflatable hotdog at George’s Coney Island in 2025.

No plug this week. Heart goes out to Shaun and everyone else in John’s life. Sounds like a man I’d have liked to meet. If you have a memory of John you’d like to share, feel free to do so in the comments. —Bill

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Horrorscopes

Gemini- There is a whole different galaxy that is requesting your presence. The current stars and planets are encouraging you to go and explore new space. They are sort of sick of you.

Cancer- The meteor that crashed wasn’t a meteor but a multilevel media ad campaign for Steven Speilberg’s “Disclosure Day.” You were duped. Soon a recent college theater major graduate will be dressed like an alien in your backyard.

Leo- Wake up early once a week and watch the sunrise. Also blare Van Halen on your back porch so everyone else wakes up and see the majesty that is the signal of the beginning of the day.

Virgo- It’s Pride Month, don’t forget to pander to the nearest queer person.

Libra- Stop asking about other pride months. It used to be fun to be contrary but now it smells of bow-ties and white nationalism. I acknowledge that you think it is smart to want to have a human-pride month. But our future AI Overlords will use that against us in the coming Robot Wars.

Scorpio- Congrats on participating in No Mow May, where you didn’t mow your lawn for the entire month. No please follow that up with No Jerk June. Interpret that however you’d like you sickos.

Sagittarius- June is the month for Father’s Day. Keep your eyes peeled in July when Dads are all half off at your local CVS.

Capricorn- Movies are back! Two low-budget horror movies are at the top earnings list. Go make a movie, it looks wicked easy.

Aquarius- I think a cowboy hat will suit you.

Pisces- Start a cult based on the meteor that crashed last week. Yeah I know I told Cancer it was a multilevel media ad campaign, but use that to sow doubt! Your followers need to believe you and only you!

Aries- Don’t forget sunscreen this summer. If anything it will mask your B.O.

Taurus- Just pick your nose. Give into your urges!

NEWS

It is ALS Awareness Month. A dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with ALS. She is married with two kids and her loving community held a fundraiser to help support her family during her struggle with this evil disease and for post-care for the family as well. The fundraiser was at Seven Saws in Holden. There were bands playing and there were a ton of raffle and silent auction items. I’ll was the MC for the day. I’m guessing a thousand people showed. If you missed it, here is the GoFundMe link.

On Sunday I was out in Great Barrington telling jokes at another fundraiser that is ALS related. This one was a fundraiser for folks with ALS to go to a Red Sox game and have full accessibility throughout the experience.

My dad died three years ago from ALS and was able to go to one of those Red Sox games. He got to see the greatest player of our generation, Shohei Ohtani, play before he passed and he loved every minute of it. ALS is so fucked up. Please consider these causes this and every month. The organization Compassionate Care ALS is doing this event and so much more for those with ALS. Please consider donating to them in general. They helped my dad, and have helped so many more. Here is more info on them.

Selfishly! On Thursday I am at Koto in Salem where Bryan O’Donnell and I are hosting our bonkers show Hot Dog! It is at 8PM and it is completely FREE.

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Also if you are new here, Worcester Sucks has a bunch of regular columns, this one included, and on the settings page you can pick and choose which you receive in your inbox. —Bill

Dear Shaun,

The World Cup is fast approaching and I really want to go to a match. I am a huge soccer fan, I am originally from Portugal and cannot wait to root for them. They are playing in Houston and I don’t think I could afford a plane ticket and a hotel room and a ticket to the actual game. If you add on food and a beer or two I’d be financially ruined. But I could watch Scotland or Ghana play here in Foxborough. Sure, train tickets are astronomical and driving and parking could be an all-day affair, but I really want to experience a World Cup game in my backyard! It is still expensive, but not as much as getting down to Houston. Should I go for it?

-Futebol Frenzied

Dear Futebol Frenzied,

You have to go. Of course you have to go. As a soccer fan (yes, soccer) you have already blurred or even deleted your morals. Owners of the club teams help support human trafficking, enslavement, wage gouging, terrorism, and tax evasion. Sure, these aren’t club teams, these are countries but these countries have also committed atrocities (America, ahem, ahem). Then there is the whole FIFA of it all. We don’t have to delve into the graft, corruption, and racketeering that goes on in the world federation organizing this event you so desperately want to give your hard earned money to, but FIFA ain’t exactly hitting their mission statement “…touch, unite, and inspire the world.” Touch and unite sure, you can’t escape FIFA and World Cup ads, unite as well, collectively the entire globe hates their guts.

I just checked the resale site at FIFA and the cheapest tickets in Boston are going for $609 dollars. That is 609 items at The Dollar Store. That’s 609 scratch tickets. That’s 609 coffees at Cumberland Farms. Of course that is a lot of money and all of those things I just mentioned may give you pause on shelling out for Iraq v. Norway. But think about all of the stupid rich people you can be rude to there. All of the morons who are drunk and not actual soccer fans. All of those assholes who are there to just take a picture for social media. You could be there too, watching the beautiful game, and “accidentally” bumping into trust fund and crypto bros. Make sure, no matter where your seats are, to sit near the country supporters. Sit with the Iraqis or Norwegians, they are there for the love of it and not for the internet clout. Grab a vuvuzela. Wave that country’s flag.

As far as being able to pay for it? Just Klarna it. Pay for this over time. And if you start to miss the payments? Who cares! The economy is going to tank soon. Your mere hundreds of dollars ain’t close to the billions that are going to crater large financial systems. I truly believe that when we go into another depression, Klarna’s reps will be in jail and the bank CEOs head’s will be on spikes. So yeah, your $609 to watch an incredible global sporting experience and bully rich chuds are just a drop in the vast financial expanse.

So blow your horn, paint your face, and chant “ole” to your heart’s desire. Even better convince everyone outside at the “Fan Zone” to storm the place. It will just be Foxborough cops who are so mad that, in their words, “Soccer queers” are playing on Tom Brady’s field. They’re going to be on their phones either fighting with their wives or ignoring their kids. So go in and take over the stadium, you won’t owe them anything.

NEWS

This Saturday is going to a blast. We have a multimedia story show at Hunchback Gallery. Comedians will be telling stories and using a PowerPoint presentation to send the message home in a very funny way. The show is free and you really aren’t going to want to miss it.

Thursday I’ll be at FreePlay doing a live D and D show. It is called Let’s Not Die and it starts at 8PM. You can buy tickets here!

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Dear Shaun,

This heat wave is killing me. I know that it is not always this hot, but I am strongly considering getting a pool. Do you think that is a good idea? I just think it would be nice to have a place to cool off, when I am really suffering in this uncomfortable heat. Am I missing something?

-Serious Swimmer

Dear Serious Swimmer,

The moment you drive a car off the lot, it has dropped in value. Sure you have a $540,000 Lamborghini, but you can only sell it back for half. That is not great in my opinion. Also, I assume none of you have a car of that value and if you do: Nice car, dork.

A pool is also depreciating in monetary value, not from the first time you pee in it, but when you stand over it and say, “wow I have a pool now.” It is not only a pit or giant bucket (depending on if you have an in-ground pool or above ground one) to fill with water and chlorine but it is also something to continue to throw money into. Your insurance will go up because you just put possible death in your backyard. Maintenance cost will get you in the hundreds per month. Weather could cause any number of damages. Late stage capitalism also plays a factor here, with the enshitification of products. Nothing lasts anymore and pool filters or pumps are no exception. Those are going to break and you are going to need to keep buying those. Plus with a pool there are going to be more opportunities for you to be pressured into hosting a party. And sure, you can ask people to BYOB and make a dish, but you’re buying your own food and drink in case your guests are lazy or horrible cooks. So that’s even more money you weren’t factoring in.

All that said, you gotta get a pool. I can see you now, cannonballing into it. Having a pool is the ultimate status symbol. You become a necessary thread in the fabric of your urban, suburban, or exurban community. Pools bring sports teams, dance troupes, and church cliques together. Some of the lamest kids I knew growing up had a pool, and that became their identity. They were suddenly tolerated in the group or at the lunch table because you wanted to go swim in their pool. They were absolute drips to hang with, but you turned a blind eye to their lack of personality as you slowly drip-dried in their kitchen, waiting for a snack after playing Marco Polo for an hour.

Do you lack a personality? Are you afraid of a public pool? Are you grossed out but weeds at the bottom of pond or lake? Is a sprinkler not enough for you? Do you not know anyone with ALS, so therefore you can’t dump a bucket of ice on your head? Do you not have AC? Do you not want to solve a puzzle in the air conditioned Public Library? If you answered “yes” to all of these you may be entitled to a pool in your backyard that you spend thousands to install and maintain.

You should, without a shred of doubt, get a pool. Invite me over and I too can ignore your story about how there were two yolks in one of the eggs you cracked to make brownies for this party. It won’t look rude though, I’ll just be having too much fun running in circles making a whirlpool.

NEWS

This Friday is the best show in Worcester: Hot Dog! It’s at the historic George’s Coney Island Hotdogs in Worcester and it is FREE. It is also at 8PM. We’ve got some great comics and great surprises ahead for this one.

I also want to point out a brand new show we’re putting together at Hunchback Gallery. Local comedian Adam Swanson approached us about having a storytelling comedy show where we can use photos, graphs and other visuals to highlight the story. It is also FREE and it is going to be a hoot. Poster below.

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Dear Shaun,

I think it is now safer than ever to hitchhike. I want to start doing it, but my loved ones are pleading with me to not take the risk. They all say that I should just call them if I need a ride. But in the age of the screen, I think this would be a very fun way to meet new people! Please tell me I can start hitchhiking!

-Hitchhike Hero

Dear Hitchhike Hero,

Of course you need to hitchhike. This column is called “Bad Advice,” if anyone is going to tell you to put your thumb or leg out to request a ride, it has got to be me. Not only should you do this, but I think the whole world has got to go back to this form of transportation. I mean what is the City of Worcester’s bus system but a very large, and very late, version of hitchhiking? Could be just as safe to be picked up by a soccer mom or a lonely man running errands. Sure it gets tricky when you need to get to Boston or Providence. That takes luck. But if you’re just trying to get around town it’s got to be pretty good.

My dad grew up in Pittsfield, MA and would hitchhike to basketball practice. He hitchhiked to go meet his date for prom. His brother once hitchhiked after a drinking party in the woods and got picked up by an older couple. After driving a ways, the woman asked where he went to school, he said St. Joseph’s. She responded, “Oh our grandsons go there!” And he says, “yeah gram it’s me!” So that could happen to you too! Get picked up by your grandma without her even recognizing you!

My father went to Assumption here in Worcester. And he would hitchhike back to Pittsfield for winter and summer break. I’m convinced the reason he decided to stay and work in Worcester is because he didn’t have a ride back to the Berkshires. Hitchhiking was very much a part of the culture right into the 70s. Then Reagan, Bush and Clinton had to start going on and on about “super predators” and take all the fun out of another way of transportation. Between those barely whistled racist terms and the 24-hour news cycle it does just seem inevitable that we would get rid of thumbing for a ride.

Speaking of the 24-hour news cycle, I just read Ted Turner’s obituary and he used to sing Nazi songs outside of Jewish fraternities and post KKK material on black students’ dorms at Brown University. He did not get kicked out of school for either of those acts. He got kicked out for having a woman in his dorm. Man, fuck Ivy Leagues.

Anyways, yes. Please hitchhike. Driving apps are just giving more money to the tech idiots who are trying to kill us with AI. (Yes, we understand Substack is part of that problem too, more on that soon.) Of course you could call a cab, but that costs money. Yes, the bus is free and is actually pretty great for the most part, but sometimes you’re standing up because there is piss on a seat or you’re stuck at an unofficial stop because someone is having mental health crisis. What’s the worst that could happen with hitchhiking? You die? Yeah, we’re all spiraling towards that anyway. You might just as easily die crossing the street in Webster Square or living in an old apartment that has asbestos. Plus, you could meet some cool people asking for a ride on the side of the road.

There are only two types of folks who pick up hitchhikers: lonely interesting people and lonely psychos. Fifty/fifty odds are a pretty good bet. Go ahead and hike up that skirt or stick out that thumb. Go meet your neighbors from their back seat!

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NEWS

This week we have two shows. The first is on Saturday at Wachusett BrewYard in the Worcester Public Market. Tickets can be bought here. It has two amazing comedians from New York, Casey James Salengo and Courtney Maginnis. Check out Casey’s Special here. Check out Courtney’s here.

Then on Sunday American Flatbread is doing an Industry Night. There will be bowling and then at 7:30 we’ll have a nice little showcase for you. It is FREE and will be a very good time.

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And still a few tickets left for the live Outdoor Cats event at Hunchback Gallery on Friday night! Our first live show and you never know possibly the last, so… tickets here. —Bill

Horrorscopes

Taurus- The moon just had four visitors and just can’t right now. So, like, I don’t know just go, like, talk to Orion or Venus or someone. The moon’s social battery is low and just needs to recharge. Come see them next month and maybe they can go on a walk or grab a drink or something. Thanks for understanding.

Gemini- The stars are not aligned, they are scattered. This is what happens when you don’t take care of your stuff. You’re missing one? See, what did I tell you. This wouldn’t have happened if you just picked up your stars before bed like I told you.

Cancer- Next time you’re at a party, bring cue cards. It will really liven up some conversations for some people.

Leo- Food noise is real. Those burgers are talking to you. They are gabbing. They want to be eaten. Give them what they want.

Virgo- Looking for a side gig? ASMR influencer. There are ears that need to listen to your wet mouth next to an expensive microphone.

Libra- There is a saying that some aren’t exactly the sharpest tools in the shed. But some tools aren’t meant to be sharp. A hammer is blunt and so are you. It is okay to tell your niece that purple is not a good color on her.

Scorpio- Not all who wander are lost. Except for you. That was three rights in a row, you’re back where you started, bro. Just please use GPS, it is okay to ask for help!

Sagittarius- This isn’t fun for me to report but you have to be the one to defend billionaires. I know, it isn’t what you wanted to hear. But the stars think that there needs to be more accessible villains than the Musks and Thiels of the world. You are the new target. Embrace the heel turn.

Capricorn- The planets are embarrassed to say they have come to the conclusion that it is okay to, in fact, Live, Laugh, and Love.

Aquarius- I have another child coming this summer. Please give her a chance and help the future be a livable place? I don’t care if it is revolution or just like voting in the midterms. Just be good? For her?

Pisces- If you run over one more squirrel, something awful is going to happen to you and your family.

Aries- You know how your mom or friend’s mom was just like an [insert cute animal] mom? Like I had a friend whose mom just had pigs everywhere. Whether you are a mom or not, it is imperative you begin to collect tchotchkes of an animal of your choosing. It can’t be tigers, you’re not a weird weed dealer from 2003.

NEWS

This week, May 7th, we are back at Boland’s Irish Pub. Chris Post is the headliner and he is a damned delight. That show is free and it starts at 8 p.m.

May 16th we are starting up a new show at Wachusett Brew Yard in the Worcester Public Market. You can get tickets here.

May 17th we are also doing a show at American Flatbread. That one is free and it should be a great time.

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Dear Shaun,

My brother puts Michael Jackson and R. Kelly on playlists for parties. He can separate the art from the artist but apparently I can’t. Please tell him that it is not okay to put those songs on. Should I stay on my high horse and go dance in the mud with him?

-Remix to Ignition

Dear Remix to Ignition,

Recently I was in Fort Myers, Florida for a wedding. There were a lot of intense “this is a different part of the country” things that happened. Right after we got there we went to the beach and within minutes of being there, the DJ at the outdoor bar and beach area stopped his Top 40 hits to just play the National Anthem. The entire beach within ear shot of these speakers stopped what they were doing and put their hands over their heart and stood still. It was this solemn and jarring happenstance. My friends and I did not know what to do. I don’t think I have respected the National Anthem playing since I was in middle school. We didn’t put our hands over our hearts, but we did stop still and practically play Patriotic Possum. When the song ended, the DJ went right back into The Eagles or whatever, the volleyball game continued and people continued drinking their frozen drinks. We all stayed still, unsure of how to proceed.

Eventually we ate some tacos, got a beer and put our feet into the Gulf of America (Mexico). I started to lean into the absurdity of the experience. I bought a “Gulf of America” shirt actually, which is full of typos and grammatical oddities. I also started saying “hell yeah, brother” to every man that walked by. No one found it ironic and no one kicked my ass. One of us wanted some more food and we sat down at a Margaritaville spin-off restaurant. Next door was an outdoor pool and DJ set-up. That DJ may have been playing your brother’s playlist. We heard Kanye, we heard R. Kelly, we heard Michael Jackson, we heard Chris Brown and if we stayed any longer we were convinced we were going to hear “Anthem of the German Republic” with a hip-hop beat. The vibes were immaculate in the pool, and absolutely sour at our table.

I really was envious of the people at the pool. I was envious of the DJ. I was envious of everyone enjoying themselves and not thinking beyond the base-level of happiness. As far as those folks sipping a daquiri while on a floaty flamingo, “Gold Digger” is just a song they loved to dance to in high school. They weren’t thinking about Kanye’s current behavior and antisemitism. They were thinking about their old crush and what they are up to now. That’s what music can do for us. They can bring back sensory memories and nostalgia. I was envious of their ignorance.

Let your brother play his music. He is ignorant. You know what, you should play it too. Let’s all stop having a conscience. Let’s ignore the brutalities of the world. Let’s reward those who don’t give a fuck. It seems to be working for a lot of folks. Why can’t we lean into it? These folks have victims and we shouldn’t care. We should just worry about having a good time, for us, right here right now. Let’s dance ‘til our feet bleed. Now, please remove your caps and stand for our National Anthem.

NEWS

Friday (tonight) I am on a show that is truly unique. The only way for me to really explain it is for you to just show up and watch. It is at The Hotel Vernon and it is called The Made Up Show. It is hosted by Nate Hanet and features a ton of Worcester-based talent. It is at 8PM.

Saturday we have Casey Crawford headlining at Hunchback Gallery. Casey has been seen on Jimmy Kimmel Live! and has a new album out, “Joke Writer.” If you love dumb one liners that are actually incredibly smart and self-deprecating you’re going to want to come to this show. Grab your tickets here!

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Dear Shaun,

I have a coworker, who, when they describe any sort of food they’re about to eat, are eating, or have eaten in the past, they make a disgusting slurping noise. This person was hired post-pandemic and we have only recently started going back into the office a few days a week. They were seemingly fine and sane on all the Zoom calls I had with them, however now that we are in much closer quarters, I am having a hard time putting up with this bullshit. Do you have any advice at all on how to deal with it? Should I confront them? Should I quit? Should I leave an anonymous note? Please the slurping is driving me up the cubicle wall.

-Slurps Up

Dear Slurps Up,

We here at Worcester Sucks and I Love It do not condone violence. I want to encourage you to do everything and anything in your power to not smack this person upside the head. I am assuming this person is not 22 and is a fully-fledged adult who should definitely know better than to act like this. If that is the case it is clear as day to me that this person has never been beaten up in their life.

I know what you’re thinking, you’re assuming that I’m assuming this person is a male. You would be wrong. Some of the most intense fights I have ever witnessed were between two females. I was a high school teacher for nearly a decade and those were some of the most violent matchups I’ve ever watched. Hair pulling, scratching, principal’s hair being pulled, biting, just the whole gambit of attempts to end someone else’s momentum. And yes, I watched, I was not going to get into the middle of that shit—you read where I said a principal’s hair was pulled? I don’t have much on my head, they could have gone after my eyeballs!

Your co-worker has clearly never been tossed around by someone who can’t stand their slurping. They need to feel that rage. Unfortunately, while I do give bad advice, some would say the worst advice, I can’t in good conscience put that in writing. I say you befriend this co-worker. You go out to dinner with them, where the slurping must intensify. You invite them to birthday parties. You invite them to cookouts. You invite them to any gathering. You bring them into the fold of your social life. At this same time you are rekindling your friendship with that one friend who is little unhinged.

You know that friend who gambles too much and blames it on outside outcomes for their loss of their own money? The friend who has an on-and-off thing with someone who is so toxic the last time they dated, that person set their couch on fire? The friend who wouldn’t have an office job making slurping noises in their cubicle because they just got fired from a road crew because the foreman didn’t like when your friend said his wife had “Octomom Hips?” You need to bring that friend around a whole lot more too.

Two things could happen. One, the slurper may just start to be around your friends more often and may learn the proper way to act when they are about to eat a burger. Or this jobless, single friend who is broke from too much Keno and college lacrosse bets may finally snap when they hear that “slurp.” Now, again, I don’t mean that this person punches your co-worker. But they definitely will snap at them. And you can’t snap at work, they have a term for that—“going postal”—though now with all the mass shootings in America, would it just be called, “going high school student?”

You need to expose your co-worker to a world outside polite norms. This is like Scared Straight for white collar workers. You are helping better society. We thank you for your work.

NEWS

I am in New Orleans this week! If you so happen to be down there, or know someone who is you should tell them that it is the New Orleans Hotdog Safari. Bryan O’Donnell and I are doing our show Hot Dog! at the amazing comedy club Sports Drink on Saturday at 10PM. This weekend is going to be a blast and I can’t wait to report back on how well it went.

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Dear Shaun,

Should I start a podcast? Me and my buddy have pretty funny conversations. Sometimes at parties other friends say the words, “you two should have a podcast.” I have been kind of averse to it, because it feels like there are already too many, and the medium may have jumped the shark. My buddy is insisting we actually do, but I am hesitant. What do you think?

-Podcast Curious

Dear Podcast Curious,

We here at Bad Advice completely endorse you starting a new podcast. The world needs more ideas, opinions, and thoughts. The world needs more content! In a culture of Intellectual Property, I embrace the original thought factories that are podcasts. You’ll be part of the movement of bringing blue collar creative jobs back to the folks who helped get this industry off the ground. If modern podcasting is solar energy, original podcasting is coal mining.

Sure, there is a din of voices traversing into the ether. But we need yours! I bet whatever bullshit you and your buddy spout out in your garage is brilliant. And it is a shame that only your partner or dog get to hear. More people need your guffaws and giggles as you sip your IPAs. Of course I want to hear your puns on football wide receivers. Of course I want to hear your takes on the trans community. Of course I want to hear how the ships can get through the Strait of Hormuz. Truthfully these takes and jokes are snowflakes and need to be experienced by any who so choose.

I have had podcasts in the past and I had a lot of fun producing them. They were interview based, but I still got my yuks off as well. There is something magical about putting together a piece of content that I was passionate about. When I do stand up it is an immediate reaction: good, bad or indifferent. I used to think that was the only way I wanted to receive feedback. I mean, it definitely is my preferred way. If I told a joke out loud and then got a snarky review two months later I would be not only devastated, I would be hung up in anticipation for said review. But podcasts don’t need instant feedback, in fact they don’t really need feedback at all. They can be consumed or not consumed. They can be ignored or engaged with. If all this podcast is for is to record you and your buddies musings and bits, then have at it!

However, if this is a scheme to make money and enter the manosphere… I say double have at it! There is clearly money to be made in this field and plenty saps willing to spend their money to listen and invest in them. You can be one of those influencers, you can shape the culture, you can help decide who is going to press the button for the atomic bomb! You can have a hand in wiping out an entire civilization, maybe.

The pen is mightier than the sword, it was once said. But the microphone? Well, that is a gun. And why the hell would you ever want to bring a pen to a gun fight? To write an ode to your own death?

My ink filled cylinder wrapped tightly in my grip.

Your steel resting peacefully on your hip.

As I begin to write

You aim just right

And I’m shot into my quivering lip.

NEWS

Friday night is Hot Dog night. Come on out and see the most bonkers comedy show this city has to offer. Plus it is the best damn hotdogs in the city and it is all for FREE. Poster below.

Saturday I will be at Hideout Comedy at The White Bull Tavern. It is an incredible lineup, you should come hang. Tickets can be found here.

Also a quick note. I got to be a part of something real special on Thursday night. WBZ’s Matt Shearer (Reporter Matt) put on a show at the Wilbur Theater. It was the Muppet Show but with Boston characters and I was Scooter backstage wrangling all of these maniacs and making sure they all made it onstage. From the Lieutenant Governor talking with a man who couldn’t stop swearing, to Love is Blind participants nerding out about the MBTA the whole experience was lovely with out being cringey. It was an incredible experience and I believe it was recorded and may be released for viewing soon.

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Aries- The moon and the stars are facing off in the sky. The moon has the size but the stars have the reach! Sure the stars are fading, but the moon too waxes and wanes! It’s the fight of the universe and you are insignificant.

Taurus- If love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Then hate is what makes a Kia a Kia. Steal a catalytic converter.

Gemini- Don’t prank anyone this April Fools. Just act like you’re being pranked all day. Offended or amazed, you pick the path. To act is to prank.

Cancer- The weather is getting nicer, the birds are chirping, the squirrels are chasing each other to begin to mate. Take a note from spring, show off your legs, sing a song and be relentless towards your potential partners.

Leo- Reportedly Banksy’s identity has been revealed. Remember there are always losers in the world who want to take any whimsy or mystery out your life. One day you’ve captured culture with your secret art, and the next you’re just a dude named Robin Gunningham.

Virgo- You are not the main character. You’re not even the dead body in Law & Order. You might be an audience member at the hockey game during Heated Rivalry. But most likely you’re getting swallowed up by the sea in The Day After Tomorrow.

Libra- Let’s play wiffle ball!

Scorpio- You’re going to get married soon, if you’re already married your partner is going to be so pissed.

Sagittarius- Get a new haircut. Take a big swing. Bring back the “Flock of Seagulls” look, you could be a trendsetter.

Capricorn- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But a push up a day gets a guy screaming behind you that you need to do 14 more, then push this tire and then swing this rope! Now throw a heavy ball! You can do it and only I can help you! This is the cult of our gym!

Aquarius- Libra is going to invite you to play wiffle ball, but I’d prefer if you stayed home. You get too competitive and it just kind of kills the mood.

Pisces- It was your birthday last month. Just keep celebrating. The world is going to end soon.

NEWS

This Thursday, is the monthly show at Boland’s! We have Andrew Mayer headlining and he has already put out two incredible album’s and is about to record a third. Come see how the sausage is made!

Then on Friday I’ll be hosting one of my favorite band lineups to date at Ralph’s! Hedge is releasing a new EP, and they’ve invited Hey I’m Outside, Jake McKelvie, and Ezra Cohen to play as well. In between sets I’ll be telling some jokes. I really think it’s going to be great.

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Dear Shaun,

I really believe in my heart of hearts that my friend should sing “Somebody’s Watching Me” by Rockwell. I have had heard him sing this song twice. One time while cooking dinner and then another when it came on the radio on a road trip. They crush it. He says that he can’t sing, and I say that is kind of the charm of karaoke! Can you please convince him that it is a good idea and the next time we got out to karaoke that he sing, and sing Rockwell’s seminal work?

-Singing Savior

Dear Singing Savior,

I love karaoke. The Hot Dog Safari Crew regularly hit up karaoke, either just because or as a way to unwind post-event. While we have fun, the rest of the patrons that night have a binary reaction. They are either on board with the freaks who just showed and embrace the weird that is about to happen for the next three hours, or they are very mad that they have to hear me scream sing “Livin’ La Vida Loca” by Ricky Martin. They just want to sing “Dance With Somebody” by Whitney Houston with perfect pitch because they used to be the solo singer in high school chorus or played Sandra Dee in Grease at their community theatre. And we kind of dampen that mood, because we are mongrels selling each song with toddler confidence.

Your friend does a good job singing Rockwell’s song. That’s great for him. If he regularly sings karaoke with you and is too scared to sing that one, I say he’s dumb and should just do it. What are you afraid of? Most people just won’t make eye contact with you, which at a karaoke bar can be one of the objectives. If he doesn’t regularly sing karaoke, why would you put him through that humiliation ritual? This person may just like singing in their car or while they cook. You don’t have to push him into a room to perform a song in front of drunken strangers.

Think about the types of people that go to karaoke. There’s the cowboy: the guy who dresses like a cowboy and sings in a drawl and brings the house down when he sing “Friends in Low Places” by Garth Brooks, but then he talks to your friend a little too long about how he feels lonely or how he lost everything in the divorce. There’s the person I mentioned before who is a really good singer and kind of makes you question why you’re even out that night to sing. These people are good and it is annoying. Then there are the two friends who think they know every word to “Mesmerize” by Ja Rule and Ashanti but they don’t and they just laugh into the mic. There’s the guy who does know every word to any Shaggy song and him doing the voice makes you feel weird. These are all people that should be embraced, but kept at a distance. And now you want to throw your innocent friend into this mix?

I get it, this is more of a plea to get your friend to share an experience with you. You like karaoke, and this friend has expressed his doubts about participating. So, you found a song that would make him feel comfortable to sing and therefore you can enjoy a night out together. You know what I say? Just ask him out. It doesn’t have to be karaoke. It can just be dinner. I don’t know your relationship status, but just based off this question I can tell you’re into him. You know what? I’ll pay for that dinner. You tell me where you’re going and I’ll call ahead and pay. Heck, maybe I’ll even show up to and sit at another table and witness my matchmaking. As you are dining and talking and realizing that spending time with each other was the real reason for any of the karaoke business, you may feel my eyes. You can’t exactly tell where I am but you can feel my stare. Maybe, you’ll say to yourself or to your friend it feels like somebody’s watching me. You’re welcome for dinner, now get the chocolate lava cake.

NEWS

Saturday is a big night in Worcester. At 8 p.m. we have The Roast of Worcester at The White Room. It is a fundraiser for LUCE Massachusetts. Bill, my boss here, will be on it as well as Bryan O’Donnell, Molly O’Connor, Yawlito, Vi, Nate Hilli, Doug Guertin, and the prodigal son Paul Henry. Donate whatever you can and come hang at one of the most fun shows we put on each year.

When that show ends you got to go to Ralph’s. Caregiver is having a record release party. You may remember a good friend of ours Isaac died last year, and Caregiver is his band. This show is going to be wild and cathartic and you should definitely go and support a great Worcester band.

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Dear Shaun,

I would like to implement a family game night. I have a tweenager and an early teenager and they are not exactly excited about the idea. I understand their point of view, but I would really like my two daughters to spend just a little more time with their dad. Is it unreasonable to ask them to play games with me, of their choosing, after dinner on Sunday? My wife thinks this is a big ask. You’re a dad, could you reason with them?

-Board Game Geezer

Dear Board Game Geezer,

As a former youth myself, I can attest that it is very hard to get anyone to do anything that they don’t want to do. I can’t order them to do so. You can’t order them either. Tweens and teens are going to do what they want, within reason. Actually without reason as well! Of course you are thinking about the fleeting time left your nearly adult children. I think about it all the time with my five-year-old and my not-even-yet-born daughter. I frequently revisit Adam Sandler’s “Click” in my mind and get so sad about all the things I’ll miss and all the things I’ve already forgotten.

I think if you make them play games with you, they will resent you. I think if you hope they play games with you you’ll resent them. I think if you threaten them, they’ll fear you. I think if you drop the subject, they’ll maintain their relationship with you. I think if you pretend to play with them, while they are in their rooms, they’ll commit you. I think if you blackmail them, they’ll fear you. I think if you hire actors, they’ll question you. I think if you do a house labor strike, your partner will resent you. I think if you invite their friends over, they’ll be embarrassed by you. I think if you call in a bomb threat, they’ll jail you. I think if you, yourself, reason with them they may play with you one time at least.

I am assuming you and your daughters have a healthy relationship wherein they can express their emotions (to the best of their developing brains’ abilities) and you can express yours. If they have partners themselves or a friend they want to bring over they should! After all you’ll be bringing yours (wife), they should share their life with you. Maybe they don’t want to. Maybe they just play games with you. When you say games I of course first jump to Sorry or Scrabble. But, hey this could be playing Super Smash Bros. Who am I to assume?

Whether you will be gloating about your eight letter double word score, or your tween is button mashing you (as Jigglypuff) into oblivion you deserve a game night with your family. I just think you can’t be rigid about your expectations. That goes for guests, frequency, and which games you play. They are tween and teen respectively so I assume they are already playing mind games with you. You should tell them that. You can tell them that it feels as though they are fucking with you all the time, and now you should be allowed to fuck up their night for an hour when they have to yet again “pick up two” in Uno.

I find it very sweet and endearing that you want to spend more time with your girls. Some parents sort of give up when their kids get to a certain age. Know that you’ll still have chances to play or hang out with them. Ask them what they’d like to do if it isn’t games. And if that means dressing like Jet Black from Cowboy Bebop as you and your daughter head to the Anime Convention, so be it! Just remind yourself that, in fatherhood, “I'm the Black Dog, and when I bite, I don't let go.” That’s from Jet Black, by the way.

NEWS

Thursday Bryan and I are bringing the Hot Dog Wheel to The Comedy Studio in Cambridge. Our show is at 8 p.m., and they’ll be serving dogs. Come get wacky with us!

If you don’t feel like driving all the way to Harvard Sq. you can always see us for FREE right here in Worcester at Coney Island Hot Dogs where we will be doing the show again! Show starts at 8 p.m., come hungry!

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Horrorscopes

Pisces- I’m turning 39 and that means that I am 100 percent middle aged. I’m not the most expensive cheddar, but I definitely make you look at the price again before putting it in your cart. Plus I’m sort of stinky and you like that about me. Buy me a drink.

Aries- Baseball season starts this month. Hug a friend that likes it because this could be our last MLB season for a bit. There is a labor and compensation war that is about to start and the president of the Player’s Union just stepped down for stepping out on his wife with her sister!

Taurus- The moon will be waxing and you should do so to your brows!

Gemini- Stars are always fading and new ones are forming. So goes your adult acne. Those Gen Z stickers aren’t fooling anyone.

Cancer- Start gambling. Not the on-your-phone-prop-bet-over-basketball-players gambling. And not nihilistic tech bro Kalshi nonsense either. I mean good old fashion, “bet you I can’t shoot these socks into the hamper,” or “bet you my son’s little league team goes 6-6 this summer.” I mean real gambling. Start playing dice at the BBQ, start dominoes games after church. Start to build and tear down your relationships!

Leo- You get to commit one misdemeanor. Steal something, slap someone, take a right on red when the sign clearly says no. The way society and the global political sphere are headed we soon won’t be allowed to think about crime, let alone commit it. Go have some harmless fun while we still can.

Virgo- I envy you. The stars envy you. What is it about you that we can’t do? Give us your life.

Libra- Younger generations are using iPods again. They have never seen such contraptions and are enamored by them. I say the older generation take a step further and forget phones. Let’s all start communicating by carrier pigeon. I bet a lot less angry texts get sent or lost or intercepted by an outdoor cat!

Scorpio- Beware the Ides of March, its on a Sunday this year and the Sunday scaries are no joke, especially when we are bombing Iran for seemingly no reason!

Sagittarius- Stop using AI. I will be your AI. I learned from Worcester Public Schools so my Intelligence is also Artificial.

Capricorn- Big Mouth Billy Bass is your new personality. Plan accordingly.

Aquarius- Your new conversation bit is when anyone says that they like someone. Whether they are revealing a new crush to you or explaining a new movie starring Jude Law, your response is now: “Oh no, didn’t you hear? They are in the Epstein Files!” It’s a great bit you’re welcome.

NEWS

Today is my birthday and I’ll be at Boland’s doing a show. Come hang. It is also free and starts at 8.

Friday I’ll be at The Comedy Studio at 9:30. This show costs money and you can get tickets here.

Saturday I’ll be at a brand new show at Wong Dynasty in Holden. Show is at 8.

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Dear Shaun,

My husband says that we shouldn’t complain about how much snow we get because we chose to live here and this is what we signed up for. I think that is a callous way to look at it. I think we can enjoy the snow, sure, but part of the collective experience is the complaining. Oklahomans can complain about tornadoes, Louisianans can complain about hurricanes, and New Englanders can complain about snow. Especially when you get 33 inches!

-Blizzard Blues

Dear Blizzard Blues,

Throw your husband into a snow bank. This is trash behavior. Does your husband also say that NFL players can’t celebrate after scoring a touchdown? Does he actually think that if you clap hard enough the band is going to come out and not that they already had a planned encore? Does he believe that politicians never lie and aren’t for the most part out for their own personal interests? You got to dump this chump.

I know you wrote in with a cute dispute between you and the man you chose to spend the rest of your life with, but this runs deeper. This guy has no joy in his life. This black and white way of thinking brings nothing but ruined expectations. Nothing just happens according to an expected outcome, except maybe arithmetic? I don’t know, I’m not a numbers guy. The beauty of life is the stuff in the in between!

I get it, complaining in general has maybe hit an apex. It is what drives algorithms. Complaining is what drives the online culture. But this isn’t complaining about political views or whether or not we should treat humans with decency and respect. This is complaining about the weather! Cavemen did this. Do you think cavemen ever scolded their fellow tribesmen because someone was complaining about sabretooth tigers being around? You think that caveman was like, “this is the life we chose, stop complaining about these tigers.” If he did I’m sure the tribe would have throw in him in the first ever fire and molded his bones into the first ever wheel.

In a world where people can’t agree on whether the Cracker Barrel logo is gay or not (or whatever), how much snow we get and whether we should like it should not be an argument. This should bring us all together! A collective misery that ultimately brings us joy. If you just push down the misery and convince yourself that 33 inches is normal than of course you’ll also think that Kash Patel partying with the US Men’s Hockey team is cool and normal.

Listen, I bet your relationship is great and you thought that this would be a fun little dunk on your hubby. But this goes as deep at the snow drifts in my backyard, this guy is a dud and you deserve better. Complain about the snow all you want and after you dump his ass he can tell all his friends that he shouldn’t complain because he chose to live with you and it was inevitable.

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NEWS

This Saturday is one heckuva show. We’ll be hosting Anthony Devito! He has been on Stephen Colbert, Comedy Central and has a brand new special out on YouTube called, Straight Hoopin’. Anthony has come to Worcester a bunch and the crowds have been awesome. I doubt anything will be any different this time around. You can grab tickets early here.

ALSO The Roast of Worcester is back! This year we’ll be raising funds for LUCE. The lineup is fantastic and thankfully Worcester has yet again given us a ton to make fun of. Make your donation here!

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Dear Shaun,

I wouldn’t say that I’m a hoarder but I definitely have a hard time getting rid of things. Marie Kondo says to only keep things that bring you joy, but a lot of the things I have kept over the years still bring me joy. In a world of digital downloads, I really like having all of my physical stuff. Am I problem? Is there a happy medium?

-Hard Time Hoarding

Dear Hard Time Hoarding,

You are a reader after my own heart. I, too, love physical media. I hate downloading anything. I never remember where I save it, and then I have to re-download it once again. Rarely, if ever, do I buy the thing I already have again. Sometimes I do, when it comes to grocery shopping. I can’t remember if I have paprika, turns out I have two paprikas. That’s fine though, at that point it feels like a lifetime supply of paprika!

There is a trend within the dietary world, where people are just eating goo. That goo has all the nutrients your body needs. So, instead of eating a meal and enjoying it, you are just sucking down a nutrient filled Go-Gurt. This would solve my paprika problem, but it would not solve my ever-lasting quest to calm my soul. If I were sucking down goo for three meals a day, my soul would rage. My soul would harden and eventually fall out of my body in the form of a painful shit. [Note to self: message Columbia Pictures about Ghostbusters reboot wherein the sewers are full of awful stuff, but it is hardened and blackened souls.].

I support your decision to hold onto things. Things have sentimental value. I have my dad’s ashes. I do not know what to do with them. I could scatter them, but I don’t know if that is what he really wanted. And I definitely don’t know if that’s what the public park in Pittsfield, MA would want currently. I have thought about putting them in the basketball that he scored his 1,000 point with in high school, but in all reality that just feels kind of cheesy. I certainly do not want to throw his ashes out, but maybe compost them? Kind of nice to think about them being in the soil that helps grow a tomato plant, and then I eat my dad? Yeah, that is kind of nice.

Anyways, I don’t really know what it is exactly you are holding onto. My guess is that is is books, CDs, DVDs, and newspaper. And under all the newspaper are 12 dead cats. If that is not the case, then I don’t think you are a hoarder and you are actually just cultured. As my imagination wanders, I start to wonder if what you are holding onto are a bunch of stuffed animals and you treat them like family. You acknowledge each one and have family meetings where you talk about who has to do what chores. There is a new teddy bear that isn’t related but need a place to stay for awhile. You really didn’t have the extra space, but you really couldn’t turn him away either. At the dinner table you find yourself noticing that the teddy bear is catching glances of you. One night as your tucking in all of your stuffies, you hold a little longer on this newcomer. There is something in the softness of their fur, the infinity in their black eyes, the flirtatiousness of their sewn on smile. You shouldn’t, but find that you can’t stand up. The next thing you know you are making love. Not having sex, no. You are making love WITH this bear. It is nothing like you’ve ever experienced before. It lasts for hours. As you climax, you realize that the sun is rising. You’ve never felt happier.

So yeah hold onto your new bear and the rest. You’re not hoarder, you’re a lover.

NEWS

I’m going to start to really push this show a lot so buckle up. Anthony Devito is an unbelievable stand-up comic out of New York. You can check out his newest special, Straight Hoopin’ on YouTube. He has been on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, he has been on Comedy Central and he will be at Hunchback Gallery on February 28th at 8PM. Tickets at $15 and you can purchase them here.

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February Horrorscopes

Aquarius- The stars are aligning and they are making a giant middle finger.

Pisces- February brings a time of reflection. It is you staring into the bathroom mirror after you just punched it. The blood streams down your forearm and you realize this is the first time you’ve felt something in months. You steady yourself on the vanity and grab your very own Quip! Quip: the only water pick that says, “free your mouth.”

Aries- The moon is asking you to take action. The moon needs a fucking break. Let the moon just smoke a cigarette and you can decide whether you should watch the newest season of “Bridgerton” or not.

Taurus- You’ve got a new hobby and it is empty wine bottle lamps. You’ll make a killing. Think of the sons who don’t know who their mom is other than a red wine drinker at family parties and not the literal woman who formed them into the man they are today. Plus now you won’t want to kick so many of those bottles on the ground when you wake up each morning!

Gemini- Fight the cold this season. Go outside and start swinging. It worked for Tyler Durden, it can work for you. Remember, the first rule of Cold Club is FUCK ICE.

Cancer- Your instincts may be barking at you. Or it may just be your neighbor is a bad dog owner. Either way take it as a sign. Either listen to your instincts and take a shit outside or call SPCA on your neighbor.

Leo- Live each day not like it is your last, but like you are a line cook at a five-star restaurant. Sure, you’ll be stressed but that cigarette is going to taste so good during your break that will get cut short because the new guy can’t cut onions right. You’ll at once feel purpose and like the smallest person in the world. Right where we all belong.

Virgo- Name my unborn daughter. I’m leaning towards Raytheon, Palantir or Dupont.

Libra- You can DJ any bar as long as you have enough TouchTunes tokens. Take it from me, the man who plays “Crazy Frog” at least 6 times at the bar until the bartender ends up turning the system off.

Scorpio- Have an Epstein List party, leave redacted emails all around your house accusing all your friends of stuff you’ve always had a suspicion that they’ve done over the years but couldn’t actually put your finger on it. See how well everyone spins their stories. Eat, drink, and be merry.

Sagittarius- Have a signature party gift. The very funny comedian Alingon Mitra used to come to my house with Hypnotiq. Find your Hypnotiq. Maybe it’s coffee cake, maybe it’s water balloons. Make a statement.

Capricorn- You are mandated to come over and watch Spring Training baseball with me. The stars are willing it so.

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NEWS

This week is busy for me! Thursday we have our monthly show at Boland’s at 8 p.m. Show is free and it has our previous Hotdog in Residence, Logan O’Brien and The Onion’s Kathy Lynch. Show is FREE.

Then on Friday I’m at Black Pond Brews in Connecticut. You can grab tickets here.

Then on Saturday I’ll be on the 9:30 show at The Comedy Studio. I’ve been having a lot of fun there lately. You can get tickets to that show here.

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Dear Shaun,

Where the fuck have you been? What the fuck is your problem? There is so much uncertainty in the world, I need you to stay consistent my dog. Please stay on schedule!

-Consistent Connolly Concern

Dear Consistent Connolly Concern,

I hear you. There was a time when Twitter was at it’s peak and we all were connected and things were funny on it. Once, the Portland Trailblazers were really trying to win a NBA Championship. They had a homegrown core, and they were adding pieces that were putting them on track to win it all. The Trailblazers are like the Red Sox before they broke the curse in 2004. They are a cursed franchise who can’t seem to get out of their own way. There was a back and forth on Twitter between CJ McCollum and a Warriors fan. That was the beauty of Twitter: the connection we all had to some of the best athletes in the world. CJ got into her replies defending his team, despite getting beaten in the playoffs. At one point Jennifer tweeted at him, “Win a playoff game game then talk.” CJ responded “I’m trying, Jennifer.” It was such a vulnerable moment. Only other beautiful pieces of literature, like “The Brothers Karamazov,” have given us the exact feeling, emotion and strife in three simple words.

I’m trying, Jennifer.

It is hard in these streets. I do want to apologize. There have been some big changes over in my neck of the woods. But I am on track, I handled my business and I will be there for you. I totally recognize that this sentiment is from one reader. I by no means believe that you are all clamoring for my work, but at the same time I recognize, whether you even realize it or not, it is sometimes nice to have something pop up in your feed that is not the actual news. Reality sucks. Especially right now.

I am expecting another child. Truly I am so excited and happy to have another person in my life to wholly love. Yet, I really am terrified to bring them into this world. I have to remind myself that she can be the change and I have to be there to give her the tools to give her that chance. Plus I’m just tacking on more years of getting poop and fart jokes from my kids. How can you get mad at that?

When I was teaching, there would be moments where I would talk to a student and they would open up about their life or what was going on in their head. I would absorb it and then on a break go to my car and bawl my eyes out. Then I would come back into my classroom and see that a different student would have drawn a picture of a cat but with my face on it, with the words “you’re purr-fect” on my whiteboard. That whiplash, man.

Way more than being the class clown, or acting in plays in school or having supportive parents giving me confidence, the cruelty of life and then life giving you something else that is absurd and weird right after is what gives me my sense of humor. Does that make me laugh at some of the worst things sometimes? Absolutely. But it also gives me the sensitivity and empathy to get the worst thing to be a universally funny idea.

I appreciate you writing in and holding my feet to the fire. I will be better. I will be funnier. I will have your Horrorscopes next month.

NEWS

Friday night I was at The Comedy Studio in Cambridge and I donated my payment to The Immigrant Defense Project. Hope you all participated in the general strike. Saturday, we had another show at Hunchback Gallery. It was the very talented Matt Shore doing his zany musical stand up comedy. You missed out! Next month is Anthony DeVito gracing our stage and you should not miss it!

This week we have our regular Thursday show at Boland’s on Water Street. Show is at 8 p.m. and if you followed along to who our Hot Dog in Residence is at Coney Island you’ll see a familiar face headlining, Logan O’Brien! We will also have a writer from The Onion and Reductress, Kathy Lynch. SHOW IS FREE!

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Dear Shaun,

I have received some feedback from my family that they think my holiday purchases of gift cards for them is “lazy.” I think I am well within my rights to give a gift card. And let me just say, I don’t just give them a Visa gift card or something. I purchase them for very specific interests they have. I just think there is some fun in going to a place with free money and getting exactly what you want, rather then having to feign happiness when your brother or son doesn’t exactly nail it. My dad gets a bookstore gift card, my sister gets a spa gift card, my brother gets a GameStop gift card, my mom gets a gift card to the restaurant she loves. Am I really a lazy brother/son for doing this?

-Grumpy Gifter

Dear Grumpy Gifter,

You are not lazy. Your family are a bunch of monsters. Those ungrateful pieces of shit. How dare they question your abilities? I am deeply offended for you. I think “lazy” is the sugarcoated version of what they really want to say. I think they don’t like you. I think they think less of you. They’re wrong. You know that.

Your dad preferring books is just a status thing, he says. He never read that Truman biography by David McCollough, he just has it and says he did. He’s a fraud. He says he likes to read, when you know if reality he’s sharing AI slop with you on Facebook and he’s shocked to learn every single time when you tell him it is not real. If the guy is so well read how come he can’t determine literal fact from fiction?

Your sister complaining about getting a spa gift card is also nuts. Does she really want her brother to order specific things at the spa for her? She wants her adult brother to order a deep tissue massage for her? How about a wax in her nether region? Yeah? That’s what she wants? Little creepy if you ask me. But sure, go ahead next holiday season give a call ahead. Maybe even order a couple’s massage but it’s you and her. That way it can be extra personal. I would have someone check her search history, because based on these wants and needs she may be into some illegal shit.

Your brother is offended by GameStop gift cards? What is wrong with him? I’m not even a real gamer, but there is nothing worse than getting a game you have no interest in playing. I remember my parents bought us Bubsy 3D. Had never heard of it, and then I played it and it is truly considered one of the worst PlayStation games of all time. That’s what you should get him next year, Bubsy 3D. And no, it has not been updated for newer game consoles. It will be for the PS1 and will essentially be trash. You’re welcome, bro.

And don’t even get me started on your ungrateful mother. A free meal? That’s what you gave her. How many free meals did she give you under the pressure of parental necessity? The LEAST you can do is help buy her one, once in a while. I bet it is to some shitty Italian place that makes her feel fancy, but really when squint your eyes at the place it is just a bunch speed heads cooking sugary tomato sauce in the back, but they use oil for their bread before the meal comes so it feels like they care.

You’re a hero for your work. Cut your family off and come join mine. We welcome your gift cards.

NEWS

Tonight at 8 p.m. its Hot Dog! at Coney Island. The show is as always, FREE. We are passing the torch of the Hot Dog in Resident. Each year we choose one comic to do every show for a year. Last year was Logan O’Brien. Come watch him pass the hot dog torch to Caroline Moore. Caroline is so funny and has previously crushed at Hot Dog, this is going to be a fun year. Poster below:

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Dear Shaun,

My neighbor is always shoveling my sidewalk before I get the chance. I’m not exactly mad but we don’t really have a relationship where we do things for each other. Does he think he’s better than me? What can I do to thank him? Am I going stir crazy this winter?

-Sullen Sidewalker

Dear Sullen Sidewalker,

Are we so divided that we are now offended when our fellow man helps us? This is so Massachusetts-coded it gives my head a Dunkin’ iced coffee brain freeze. Why not thank the man? Why not drop off a gift card?

What is the alternative here? To fight him? Yeah, that’s what you should do. Knock on his door and offer to kick his ass. How dare this guy do a nice thing for you. I am incensed for you. You know what? Dox him. Please. Let me know his address. I personally want to S.W.A.T. him. Yeah that’s right, I never call the cops but when I do it’s to have a gang of marauders legally bust through an innocent man’s home. It only seems right. This guy cleared your sidewalk when you weren’t around or awake yet. This guy took a little of the load off your list of things to do.

Rugged individualism is an insane way to behave. First, because no one does anything on their own. It is impossible. Even if you were to, say, build your own house. You need supplies, like nails. Those nails had to be manufactured by someone in a miserable factory and then, someone sold them to you. You are not an island. You are, if anything, an atoll. And the more you complain, the more you are taking A TOLL on all of us (bad dum bum).

Listen, maybe this guy’s love language is acts of service. Maybe he doesn’t have the social tools to vocalize that he wants to be your friend and hang out so he is doing a favor to get the ball rolling. Well, friend, the ball has rolled into your court. Grab a beer, suggest a video game, play some cards or have his family over for dinner.

Call me crazy, and you should, but we are getting more and more siloed. I can see it. AND THAT IS WHAT THEY WANT. Want to fight back against these fucking fascist pigs? Have dinner with your neighbor. Radical, right? But the closer we all get together as a community the harder the job these fuckos will have to herd us sheep. You don’t have to agree with everything your very considerate neighbor thinks about, but you can acknowledge that he did a nice thing and the least you can do is hang with him for an hour or two.

I don’t know, man. A woman was shot in cold blood in Minneapolis by federal agents. I’m finding it hard to be funny. I don’t know you, but I love you. Stay vigilant.

NEWS

Speaking of staying funny! I am in Portland, ME tonight at Root Wild Kombucha. For tickets you can purchase them here.

This month WOOtenanny has some fun shows. We have Hot Dog! on the 16th where we will be showcasing our newest Hot Dog in Residence, Caroline Moore. That show is as always free.

Then on the 31st we have the hilarious Matt Shore at Hunchback Gallery. Matt mixes comedy and music in such an electric way, we think you’re really going to love this show. Grab your tix here!

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For this round of Horrorscopes I’m going to give you your resolutions for you. No need to wrack your brain, I got you. Happy New Year!

Horrorscopes

Capricorn- Start moisturizing, you’re dry as hell.

Aquarius- You’ve been trying to find a hobby and nothing has stuck. This year, give up. No more hobbies. Just do the most toxic thing you do. That’s your hobby now. Drink? One more please. Gossip? Spill the tea. Fight? You gotta catch me first. 202-Tox-6.

Pisces- Just start lying. Exaggerate your whole life. Tell little white lies for some social clout. Lie on your taxes. Lie on a date. Lie in a job interview. Lie down and relax. Just keep on lying.

Aries- Follow up and make your parasocial relationships a full-blown, honest-to-goodness relationship. That podcast host would totally laugh at your jokes if you two were in the same room. If that room is the walk-in closet, so be it. The authorities may call it “stalking” but I call it getting to know your friends better.

Taurus- Technology is really bumming you out. The only way you contact people is via postcard. You’re going to be so organized once you have to plan a week in advance to “go get coffee.” Plus your messages are going to look so cute!

Gemini- Lose weight or gain weight, but don’t you dare maintain. You must move to an extreme!

Cancer- Quit drinking. Not just alcohol if that is your persuasion. I mean all drinking. You can get hydrated in the shower.

Leo- Learn a musical instrument. If you already play one, learn another. If don’t, it seems elementary schools love teaching the recorder first. Once you can play “Hot Cross Buns” you’ll be shredding “Stairway to Heaven” in no time. So proud of you.

[Ed. note: Remember the guy shredding the recorder in traffic?

Never forget.]

Virgo- Run for office. It doesn’t have to be a municipal election. It could be for a board of a community organization, or it could be for head of household within your own family. You could also make up a position and see if someone else will run against you. Looking forward to your lawn signs for “President of the Dog Park.”

Libra- You are auditioning for American Idol. Yes, it is still a show and you’re going to be a star.

Scorpio- Time for a name change. Let’s be honest, whatever you’ve been going by at this point has gotten real stale. Time to spice it up!

Sagittarius- Stay the fuck out my business.

NEWS

Tonight I’m on both shows at The Comedy Studio. For tickets to any of those shows visit their website. Hope to see you at a show soon!

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