5 Things You Need to Do After College
Number 5 Will Shock You
Bad Advice is the sort of silly niche column you’d find in the alt weeklies that used to be the spools around which a city’s weirdo identity would spin and collect. That’s what we’re after here at Worcester Sucks and every paid subscriber gets us closer! —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I am a recent college graduate. I know that you used to be a high school teacher, so I was wondering if you had an advice for young people joining the adult world?
-Anxious Alum
Dear Anxious Alum,
I graduated from college 15 years ago, from Bridgewater State College. I should have graduated college 16 years ago, but I went on a college campus comedy tour my last semester and flunked a class. I ended up taking a Life Sciences class in the winter and then graduated the next year. Our commencement speaker was the ambassador to the US from Iraq. He reminded us how easy we had it, compared to the University of Baghdad students who feared bombs on the way to lectures. It was a very sobering speech and most students in the South Shore didn’t like the political rhetoric, which was hilarious to see a kid sneaking nips in a graduation gown getting red faced being forced to think about Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld. I 100 percent wasn’t ready for life post-college and was not ready for the absolute guilt I’d feel for not taking my education more seriously.
But then again, I don’t take most things seriously, which is really backfiring in fatherhood, my day job, and sometimes (but not often) my marriage. But that’s a column for another time. You’ve asked me for advice post-college. I’ve got five big things YOU MUST DO after you graduate.
Get a subscription to the New Yorker. You’re going to want to feel like an adult. You’re also going to want to show people you are an adult. So subscribe for like 15 issues at $6, then get the free tote. After those 15 issues come you’ll agree to continue the subscription for the rest of the year. Soon you’ll realize how overwhelming getting that much content week in and week out is. Doesn’t Eustace Tilley know that you have a new job, and are trying to traverse adulthood? Of course you want to read the new essay from Ocean Vuong but you are figuring out work/life balance and you have student loans to pay. I mean what is more adult than paying for something you actually can’t keep up with but do so because you want other people to know you are mature? Might as well call it parenthood.
Show up hungover to your office job. Honestly, for me is was homeroom at a High School where I worked as a substitute. Even worse, the morning after the Bruins won the Stanley Cup in 2011, I was subbing for an AP Calculus teacher and had to proctor their final. There were very specific instructions on how to administer this exam and I was so hungover. Maybe a top 10 for me, even at 24 when you are still kind of invincible when you drink. In the middle of the two-hour test, I had to vomit. I stood up and very professionally told the students I had to leave the room for a second and that I trusted them, and I would know if they cheated. I slowly closed the door and sprinted to the Teacher’s Restroom and yeeted my insides. I should also let you know: I am a screamer. The whole building must have heard me. I came back in two minutes later with broken blood vessels in my eyes and acted like nothing happened.
Go to a paint night. You’re going to hate it, but it is another step in maturity. You can show your date when you invite them back to your place. They’ll feign being impressed of your boat in the water and you’ll be in their phone from then on as “Shaun Boat Painter lol.”
Try being Vegan (or some sort of restricting personality trait). You’re going to feel like just another guppy in the grand ocean as you finish college. You’re going to forget you are your own person and that there is only one of you in the world. You are going to feel like hungry furniture with debt. So you’ll decide to stop eating meat, or smoke cigarettes, or only drink tea, etc. You’ll feel that putting a label on your personality will be rewarding and people will take notice and take care when you come over. Maybe this is good. But maybe you can just be who you really want to be and you will find your people. Plus, a lot of meatless products will give you horrible gas.
Tricked you.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
I am excited to announce that I am throwing my hat in the ring for The Worcester Hotdog Safari’s Top Dog Hotdog Eating Contest. Follow my Instagram for Training Updates (@sirshaunconnolly). I promise to bring glory to my family.
Also I will be at Elephant & Castle in Boston this Friday. Show is at 8PM and you can grab tickets here. Thanks again for reading!