I’ll keep this short, we’ve had a hell of a week. For all the new folks (welcome to the jungle!), Bad Advice is one of a few regular standalone columns in this newsletter. Worcester Sucks is a community publication made possible by the community members who want it to exist!
There’s also a tip jar and a merch store! —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I have been told I am a snorer. My roommates say they can hear me from their respective rooms, and when my partner sleeps over they say that it is nearly impossible to have a full nights sleep. I obviously I am completely unaware of this fact and have no real issues sleeping most nights. Am I obligated to make any changes? Should I possibly disrupt my sleep for the betterment of the apartment and the affection of my partner?
-Supposed Snorer
Dear Supposed Snorer,
Don’t do a damn thing. Sleep is our time to ourselves. Don’t you dare let anyone get in the way of that. Think about your day. Even if you are not as busy as someone like me, you still are typically beholden to other’s time. If you work, you are on your boss’ and company’s time. If you have a partner you are compromising your time to spend it with them. If you have roommates, you’re on their time and they’re on yours. You are constantly waiting for the microwave, waiting for the bathroom, waiting for them to get home because you forgot your keys again. Sleep is your time.
Not only is it an escape from your responsibilities, it is a time for you to recharge from all of the selfish time takers. Plus you get to dream and do whatever the hell you want. You can accomplish all of your wildest fantasies while dreaming. You can microwave a full turkey dinner, you can piss in the sink, and you can ram the door down because you forgot your keys again.
How dare anyone in your life be so self-centered and suggest to you that you’re being too noisy with your nose or mouth or both? You don’t ask your roommates to fix their cat when it mewls for food at 2:44 in the morning. You don’t ask your partner to stop telling you about their day at work and how Nancy smacks her lips when someone brings donuts into the office. You’re a saint. And snoring is your battle cry.
The next time someone in your life complains to you about your snoring, I want you to buy this. It is only $15. It is a small Bluetooth karaoke speaker and microphone. I want you to sing Heart’s “Barracuda” or something else with a high register (Joni Mitchell? Bruno Mars?) and then ask those complaining what’s worse. I don’t think they’re going to want to hear you sing falsetto songs all night. I can almost guarantee that they would much rather hear your snore. Also, haven’t they heard of a white noise machine? And I don’t mean a townie PTO Meeting. I mean one of those machines that produce white noise to block out other sound. In fact, get one of those too and the next time they approach you about the snoring, turn your white noise machine on and block them out. They may just get the hint this time.
NEWS
Tonight! There is, as always, our free show at Boland’s on Water St. The unbelievable Tito Garza will be headlining. He has an amazing special on YouTube called, Prickly. Check it out. I won’t be there because…
Bryan O’Donnell and I are going to be bringing Hot Dog! to The Comedy Studio in Cambridge! This is a legendary club, and we are so excited that they asked us to bring their weird ass show to them. Show is at 8 p.m. For more information visit their website!
