April Horrorscopes

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April Horrorscopes

Aries- Moons are rising, stars are crossing, planets are spinning. Turns out we do not understand physics like we thought we did, keep your head on a swivel. The cosmos are zipping around your head.

Taurus- You know how bars have things like Bingo, Trivia and Karaoke to try and get more folks in the door? You have a new bar promotion called Egg Roulette. Six eggs, five are hard boiled. And you face off one at a time to see who gets egg on their face. Someone desperate enough will bite.

Gemini- I was privileged enough to go to Media Day for the Worcester Red Sox and discovered that they have a new sponsor and it is Titan Caskets, the Official Casket of the Worcester Red Sox. They gave out plushies of their mascot, and here he is. It is your job to spread the word of this perfect mascot.

Cancer- Join AARP. Did you know you don’t have to be 55+? You can just join? Yeah sure there’s a subscriber fee, but they do not keep folks out. A buddy of mine signed me up as a gag gift for my 38th, and well, it is awesome. Great health tips, great discounts, great crossword on the app. Sign up today!

Leo- Read a Shakespeare. You know he’s considered like the GOAT of words? Open up your brain and read Measure for Measure or Hamlet. ‘Tis nobler!

Virgo- I know I’ve talked to you about MuniciBid here before. I lost those in the final hour. But I am asking you, if you have some extra cash to bid on this Boston Whaler. It is a beaut and is from the Watertown Fire Dept. Bid for me and I’ll give you unlimited rides!

Libra- Have you watched Adolescence on Netflix? It seems too intense for me. As someone who has a son who may be that kid someday, I don’t think I could stomach it. Tell me what happens.

Scorpio- I can’t even with you.

Sagittarius- Please call your Senators. Yeah, sure, for all of the egregious nonsense that is happening, but let’s bring back mischief. I feel like all pranks nowadays are mean, violent, and dangerous. Why can’t we just call a bar and ask if their refrigerator is running and then if it is telling that bartender to go catch it? Call your Senators and pretend to be a Radio DJ giving away tickets to an Imagine Dragons tour. Bother them.

Capricorn- Can you teach me to play video games? I’m only good at scrollers. Open worlds freak me out and my thumbs are not limber. Have I just reached a point where I can no longer adapt? Please either push me up the hill or even just down it. Whatever the outcome will help me in the future.

Aquarius- Can I cheat off your taxes? I studied but I can’t remember any of the answers. Thanks.

Pisces- Hope you’ve recovered from celebrating your birthday, and your exhaustion from people pleasing during what should be a celebration for you. Please continue to work yourself to the bone to make sure people around you are comfortable.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This Saturday I’ll be at The Mendoza Line at The Dugout Cafe. You can get tickets at this link.

Special shoutout to our April headliner at Boland’s last week, Liam McGurk. He just won the Boston Comedy Festival. It means fame and fortune and the acknowledgement that he truly one of the funniest people out working today. Make sure you come see the next Liam at one of our next shows!