Time for Shaun’s Good Advice! April fools. Gotcha. It’s Bad Advice like always—the monthly Horrorscope edition to boot. Everyone’s favorite! Here’s some good advice thought: If you appreciate having a sometimes fun sometimes brutal alternative news outlet in this city, a few bucks a month helps ensure it sticks around! —Bill
Aries- The moon and the stars are facing off in the sky. The moon has the size but the stars have the reach! Sure the stars are fading, but the moon too waxes and wanes! It’s the fight of the universe and you are insignificant.
Taurus- If love is what makes a Subaru a Subaru. Then hate is what makes a Kia a Kia. Steal a catalytic converter.
Gemini- Don’t prank anyone this April Fools. Just act like you’re being pranked all day. Offended or amazed, you pick the path. To act is to prank.
Cancer- The weather is getting nicer, the birds are chirping, the squirrels are chasing each other to begin to mate. Take a note from spring, show off your legs, sing a song and be relentless towards your potential partners.
Leo- Reportedly Banksy’s identity has been revealed. Remember there are always losers in the world who want to take any whimsy or mystery out your life. One day you’ve captured culture with your secret art, and the next you’re just a dude named Robin Gunningham.
Virgo- You are not the main character. You’re not even the dead body in Law & Order. You might be an audience member at the hockey game during Heated Rivalry. But most likely you’re getting swallowed up by the sea in The Day After Tomorrow.
Libra- Let’s play wiffle ball!
Scorpio- You’re going to get married soon, if you’re already married your partner is going to be so pissed.
Sagittarius- Get a new haircut. Take a big swing. Bring back the “Flock of Seagulls” look, you could be a trendsetter.
Capricorn- An apple a day keeps the doctor away. But a push up a day gets a guy screaming behind you that you need to do 14 more, then push this tire and then swing this rope! Now throw a heavy ball! You can do it and only I can help you! This is the cult of our gym!
Aquarius- Libra is going to invite you to play wiffle ball, but I’d prefer if you stayed home. You get too competitive and it just kind of kills the mood.
Pisces- It was your birthday last month. Just keep celebrating. The world is going to end soon.
NEWS
This Thursday, is the monthly show at Boland’s! We have Andrew Mayer headlining and he has already put out two incredible album’s and is about to record a third. Come see how the sausage is made!
Then on Friday I’ll be hosting one of my favorite band lineups to date at Ralph’s! Hedge is releasing a new EP, and they’ve invited Hey I’m Outside, Jake McKelvie, and Ezra Cohen to play as well. In between sets I’ll be telling some jokes. I really think it’s going to be great.
