Are You Ready For Some Football?

I mean, barely.

Dear Shaun,

I appreciate your horoscopes once a month. While irreverent, they still help me make sense of my life in a strange way. I was wondering if you could do the same thing but the patriarchy version of them? I’m talking about Fantasy Football, obviously. Just think it would be fun and funny to get your take on the NFL and see if anyone loses (or makes!) money on your suggestions. Thanks!

-Fantasy Fantasy Football Fan

Dear Fantasy Fantasy Football Fan,

This is a brilliant idea. I have played fantasy football, for better or worse. I couldn’t tell you most players’ names. I know the ones that sports talk media talk about because I’m a psycho and have an unreal name recognition and recall ability. So I either know the most hated or the most loved, or the ones that date Taylor Swift.

My favorite time playing fantasy football was when it was amongst friends. One time it was a pick‘em league. You just had to pick who was going to win, but you could only pick them once a season. The wider the spread, the fewer points you got for that specific week. It was fun and stupid and sometimes you looked like a genius. The other league was where you picked all players and defenses and I was clueless. Both times it was a way to look forward to seeing your friends and talking about the previous and upcoming weeks. Was it forced camaraderie? Maybe. But what’s a book club? Gotcha.

NFL Week 3 Tips, Tricks, and Predictions

• OFFENSE

  • Be aware of your uncle’s breakfast habits on Sunday. If he is going with sweet, I think Lamar Jackson is going to have a breakout game and actually win one for the Ravens. If your uncle goes savory, it is looking like the Cowboys are taking this one home. If you don’t have any uncles, choose the older male in your life that someone complains about.

  • Traffic home from work on Friday will help you decide who to sit for wide receivers. If traffic is awful, you may just get stuck in the existential dread that is rush hour traffic and completely lose track of your roster this upcoming week. You’ll slip into moments in middle school when you got roasted for wearing fake Etnies or trying to give your crush a fresh-cut rose and her telling you that it is nice but too weird and forward. You’ll think about how that was unbelievably mature of her, but still devastating for your 12-year-old brain. You may veer to the side of the road and pop your tire. Then it is that problem you must solve first and not whether Puka Nacua can even be replaced. If you decide to take backroads and stop for a snack on the way home, that may just give you the even blood sugar you need to decide to start Marvin Harrison Jr.

• DEFENSE

  • For the layman, you choose a team defense. You don’t choose individual players. If one guy goes off and plays great you succeed, sure. But, if a group of 11 guys works together to consistently stop their opponents, you get to reap those benefits too. Their hard work, sense of community, brotherhood, and collective loss of brain cells on each down are to help you gain an extra $50 at the end of the season. Mind you, all of those guys’ hard work can also get you to lose your league and have to sing Miley Cyrus at karaoke or perform at a comedy open mic or wear a bikini and mow the lawn of the winner’s home. Pick the Kansas City Chiefs’ defense. Ever since Taylor Swift endorsed Kamala Harris they’ve all been on the defensive.

• SPECIAL TEAMS

  • I always picked my kickers first. I always pick the best kicker in the league first. It gets the league curious as to whether I’m sane, but also has them second guessing their picks. Were they missing something? If you don’t have the top-rated kicker on your team, request a trade immediately. Give up whoever it takes to get them. You will win a matchup by one field goal this year and it will all be thanks to this advice.

• GENERAL ADVICE

  • Guys to look out for on waivers:

    • Tom Brady (he is going to try one last time when he realizes he’s not good at broadcasting, just casting broads aside. Sorry, Giselle.)

    • Dick Butkus (he’s dead but that would be terrifying right?)

    • Any of the names from the Key & Peele sketches (wouldn’t that be crazy!?)

    • Derek Carr

    • My name (I have reached out to all 30 teams to sign me and, in the hopes one of them wins the Super Bowl and Trump wins the election, I can punch him in the face when we get invited to the White House.

Let me know if I should do this again later in the season. This was fun!

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This week is fun. We have Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island this Friday at 8. It is FREE and it is a blast. Comedians spin a wheel to find out what their set is going to be.

Then Saturday I am featuring for the unbelievably funny David Drake at the Music Hall Lounge in Portsmouth, NH. There are two shows, one at 6 and another at 8:30. Grab tickets here!