As promised, Herr Döge
The five things I did last week
Bad Advice is sustained by paid Worcester Sucks subscribers! It’s only about one beer or 1.5 Dunkies a month.
Also by merch orders and tips are great. —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I’m just doing an assessment of your work. I will ask you to summarize your accomplishments from last week. Please bullet the top five things you have done, and CC your direct manager. We are requiring all employees to document your work, failure to respond to this inquiry will result in an assumption of you resignation.
Thank you,
-Department of Government Efficiency
Dear DOGE,
I would like to make it clear that I am not a federal worker, but it seems your digging into and illegal possession of sensitive information of all US citizens is really letting you stretch into all aspects of life.
I will comply with your request. I hope that my candor, openness and willingness to learn will help with the possibility of holding onto this gig. I have decided to layout my five bullet points into the days of the week. I would also like to point out that last week was school vacation week and so my son was home with me while I still attempted to not waste a single tax payer dollar and work at a clip that is sufficient with your standards.
Monday. It was President’s Day so I did not have to work. However, I did spend a lot of my day thinking about Donald Trump. What I was thinking I won’t disclose, though you’ll be installing those neural chips in all our heads soon and you’ll know what I was thinking that day! What luck! I also spent a significant amount of the day chipping away at the ice that formed after our storm, which felt like a metaphor of ICE chipping away at our civil rights!
Tuesday. Another big ice chipping day, made a ton of progress. I also set up an old computer for my son to type on. He got very focused on typing in a Google Doc. Honestly, seeing my four year old sit and type nonsense on a Chromebook must be like what you see in the Eisenhower Executive Office Building. All those college dropouts and children sycophants type, type typing away! Only difference is my son isn’t dismantling democracy.
Wednesday. My son woke up early to continue to work on his Google Doc. He also watched “The Wild Robot.” I cried while he watched “The Wild Robot” because it is a great allegory about parenthood and the sacrifices you must make even if it changes who you are so your child can be safe and thrive. I cried later that day when I thought about your existence.
Thursday. I took the day off to take my mom to a doctor’s appointment. I took pride knowing at least with all of your cuts and attempts at efficiency you’ll be able to possibly make our public health more efficient as well. I bet you’d hate to see more CEOs get killed due to inefficiencies. I hope you’ve thought about that. I bet if pushed to a certain point there are more Luigi Mangiones out there. Most likely there is already a Harley Quinn prepping to do her damage next in the name of her love for Luigi.
Friday. I called out sick. I was not feeling well, and I couldn’t even fathom trying to work another day while also taking care of my son. So I took a page from “The Wild Robot” and sacrificed myself to give him a full day of attention. You might actually be impressed with where I took him: The American Heritage Museum. Unfortunately, it is not as racist as I’m sure you’d hoped it would be. It is however the largest museum of tanks and war planes in the country. It is in an underground warehouse in Hudson, MA.
Patrons get to watch three movies laying the groundwork for what they are going to experience inside. The first movie is a thesis statement about veterans, our country’s history of war and the sacrifices made both in life and in science. Then, the next movie is in a different room where you walk into a recreated WWI bunker. There you are lead by the voice of a nurse as she explains the horrors of the war and screens in front of you recreate a small idea of what it was like to get bombed in a trench. Finally, you are taken to a third room explaining WWII, Pearl Harbor and US involvement. In that room there is a recreation of Hitler’s Mercedes-Benz open-air armored car. This part you’ll really like it had a life-sized doll of Hitler and a giant hanging red Nazi Flag! Something you can salute to!
The collection of tanks and planes is impressive and it reminds you just how gruesome and horrid war is. I was very happy I took my four year old who does not yet really understand the cost of war and murder in general as a concept. That held especially true when we walked by an actual train car from the Holocaust and into a recreated POW Prison from Vietnam. Needless to say I was shocked about the whole thing, but the kids got to do something when there is no school, right?
I got to be honest I’m banking most of Friday as my key to getting my ticket punched and not losing this job. Hopefully you sign off on it!
NEWS
On Sunday I got to feature for the hilarious Martin Urbano. If you’ve never seen his work, absolutely check it out, he’s one in a million.
Wednesday I’m at Hideout Comedy at The White Bull Tavern, get those tickets here. Then, on Thursday I’m at Lil Chuck, which is under the Charles Playhouse. It is such a great room, get tickets here. Friday, I’m headlining at Mast Landing Brewing up in Freeport, ME. Grab those tickets here. Then Saturday, if you’re feeling frisky, I’m headlining a fundraiser for Saint Joseph’s Catholic School in Webster. I’m told the night is Mardi Gras themed! I’m also told the nuns and priests will be in attendance. Wish me luck!
Finally, I’m excited to share with you all that The Roast of Worcester is back! It will be happening on Friday March 14th at The White Room. Poster and lineup coming soon!