August Horrorscopes
You have fallen out of a coconut tree and someone close to you has had relations with a couch
Did you know you can personally ensure this outlet continues to exist for the low low price of 1.5 Dunkies a month?
Horrorscopes
Leo- ARE YOU WATCHING THE OLYMPICS?! You gotta watch handball or slalom canoeing. You haven’t lived until you tried to follow the shuttlecock in mixed doubles badminton. Don’t even get me started on the steeplechase. You don’t even have to root for America. Just catch some feelings with some players on the Australian national field hockey team.
Virgo- Brat is over once Kamala took hold of it. You are no longer brat. You have fallen out of a coconut tree and someone close to you has had relations with a couch. Why do you think Bob’s Discount Furniture comes with a discount? Ever thought about it?
Libra- I am munching on spicy dill pickle Goldfish right now and they are a game-changer. What a snack. Go buy some and give me a full review.
Scorpio- The air, acrid. It is midday yet the sky is dark. It looks like that cheap Hollywood trick from the 50s and 60s called day for night. Except now, it is like this the entire day. Not yet night, not yet day. The in-between. You can’t seem to get your footing, the ground feels slow and sticky. You exert a ton of energy, yet you get nowhere. But hey it is free donut day at Dunkin’, who cares!?
Sagittarius- You are going to come into some money. Or a couch if you are JD Vance.
Capricorn- Try to love again. Sure, you’ve been through the wringer, but I believe everyone deserves another shot. I’m not saying do a full swan-dive, but just dip your toes back in. You’re not only worth it, you’ve earned it. You’ve earned another rewatch of The Sopranos.
Aquarius- Go to a comic book shop, set up a table, and start signing an issue (any issue) of a comic book. Say you are the colorist and you were just passing through and if anyone wanted a signed copy of Moon Knight you’d be happy to oblige. Pictures however are $5. No one will ever know and you might make a little change in the process.
Pisces- Can you go to the dentist for me? I had to reschedule an appointment and totally forgot about it and don’t want to call again and change it. Can you just go for me? You can say “I had some work done” or something. I’m convinced dentists don’t actually look at your teeth in any meaningful way anyway. All the real work is done by the hygienists. Shout out to the real mouth mongrels!
Aries- Start a protest. Start picketing outside a place of your choice. It may just catch on and, like most businesses or organizations, they’ll have skeletons in their closet.
Taurus- Can you walk my dogs while I’m gone? I’ll be on vacation next week. They don’t need much. You just can’t be a tall man, or hug someone in front of them, or dance. Essentially don’t express yourself in any way or they may nip at you. Otherwise very cute and cuddly. Just please for the sake of your skin be stoic.
Gemini- Get a new haircut. If you’re bald, grow it in. If you have bangs, get rid of them. If you don’t have bangs, let’s try it! Ask for The Rachel. Ask for The Guy from Counting Crows, ask for The Prodigy. Mix it up!
Cancer- You are granted one free “phone a friend” from me. Email woocomedyweek@gmail.com, ask for my number, and you can call for one free favor. I’ll need to see an ID to make sure you are actually a Cancer. You’re welcome!
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This Friday! We have Ahmed Bharoocha coming to Ralph’s Rock Diner. Ahmed has had some killer sets on Conan, Colbert, and Comedy Central. He also stars in an Adult Swim show called Dream Corp LLC. Ahmed started in Providence and Boston and has been in LA for a while and we are very happy to host him coming back for this show.
ALSO on August 16th we are doing Sort of Late Show: Hot Dog Edition at Off the Rails. This will be to help kick off the Worcester Hot Dog Safari. There are some real fun surprises, come on out!
