Horrorscopes time! Everyone’s favorite time. You know how to ‘keep it coming’ by now. Just think about it, yeah?
This so happens to be Shaun’s first post back since the one-week paternity leave I graciously and also generously allowed him. All tips today go straight to Mr. New Baby Daddy (a name he insists you all call him now). —Bill
HORRORSCOPES
Leo- If your stomach hurts, it is probably just gas. I know you haven’t developed how to pass gas properly yet, so just cry loud enough, pull your knees to your chest, and I’ll help massage it out of you.
Virgo- Your feces were originally black, now they are a yellow rice-like substance. The planets are telling you that you are out of the darkness and into the multi-textured light that is existence.
Libra- I know you can only see four feet in front of you, and the stars suggest that is the smartest thing for you right now. You should only come in contact with things that are within your grasp. Anything beyond that radius is not worth your time and a greater distraction in your life.
Scorpio- Sometimes you just need a change. Things can be wet. Things can be squishy. Things can be just feel stale and forgotten. All that needs to happen is a quick wipe clean and a brand new start.
Sagittarius- Communicate less. Use sound and gesture to get your point across.
Capricorn- Your hair will change. It always can. I currently have my head buzzed. Yours will take a new shape, and you can keep it, discard it, dye it, or tie it. Your head may even outgrow it.
Aquarius- You’re in need of making brand new connections in your life. While these relationships are new, different and foreign, they will keep you alive. You are loved, hold these new people in your life close.
Pisces- You’ve spent most of the last year holed away in your own filth. It was dark and you kept to yourself. A recent change has forced you out into the world. The stars suggest taking this challenge head on, screaming.
Aries- There is an older person in your life who is taking your change just as hard you are. Realize that they are experiencing you just as much as you are experiencing them. Give them grace and they will too.
Taurus- Dogs fear you. Keep your hands to your damn self for a while.
Gemini- Sometimes it is best to sleep it off. Sure you’ve got to eat and interact with your surroundings. But sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is just to rest.
Cancer- I’ve recently become a father yet again. Give me a break and I’ll get back to you next week. Or, if you are really that needy, go use Leo’s.
NEWS
August 14th is the comedy kickoff show Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island. Show is at 8PM and this is my first show back doing comedy since I had my baby. COME HANG!!
August 15th is THE WORCESTER HOTDOG SAFARI.
