Bad Advice: Horrorscopes

Some people say I'm kind of an expert

This is Issue #4 of Shaun’ Bad Advice of a new series on this platform. For more on what Bad Advice is and why it’s in Worcester Sucks now, head to issue #1. This column as well as the overall Worcester Sucks publication are sustained exclusively by reader contributions. Please consider a paid subscription!

Once a month, when I used to write for the Worcester Magazine and then when I had my itty bitty newsletter before I swallowed whole by media mogul Bill Shaner, I would write horoscopes for my devoted readers (I call my version, “Horrorscopes”). I truly have a real gift for this. I can read beyond the cosmos, through your inner most desires and tell you about your star sign’s season ahead. Here is my first of many wonderful sights to my Worcester Sucks crew.

Cancer- You know the wildfires up in Canada? The ones that are causing smoke float on over and hover on top of Worcester? The smoke that is giving us all those Air Quality Index warnings? That’s you baby. You’re taking up space, entering our consciousness even though we didn’t even know who you were before this summer. You’re giving: haze, and its working.

Leo- Often you feel out of place. Don’t worry, that’s all of us. It is not a specific Leo thing. What is a specific Leo thing is how you react to it. Instead of bottling up that alienation and doing an impulsive thing. Instead methodically microdose that aloneness. Feel it, but briefly most of your day and instead of buying a hedgehog on a whim because of a TikTok you watched, you can get coffee with a friend or strike up a conversation with that cute barista.

Virgo- What you think you’re better than me? You want to write these? I didn’t think so. I know you started judging me from the moment you when to this newsletter. You skipped past all of the other blurbs and went write to this paragraph. I knew you would. I just knew it. Okay so you want some advice? You want to know? Well too bad, you’re going to have to scroll down and read Gemini’s horrorscope. It will be hidden in there.

Libra- You’ve been using No. 2 pencils your whole life. No, not like exclusively, just when you’ve used a pencil, it’s been a No. 2. Start using No.4s. I swear to you. They were made for you. The lead is just harder and the way it writes will be very satisfying. Plus the way that lead hits the paper will be like your own personal ASMR machine. You’ll thank me later.

Scorpio- If anyone should be doing the “Barbie” / “Oppenheimer” double feature, it should be you. You are well liked, you are popular, you are beautiful, you are carry an existential dread around and you at any moment could end the world, or at the very least change it forever. These are powerful characteristics and the only way to remind yourself of that power, is to sit in a dark room and be reminded of your impact on our world.

Sagittarius- I’ve been listening to R.E.M. a lot lately. Poring over their discography and diving back to those original albums that they made before they became the biggest band in the world. It’s so funny to me that R.E.M. were such a big band. They have abstract lyrics, often a mandolin and a post/anti-punk sound that, think about pop music now, just baffles me. Like, as corny as U2 is, I can understand their popularity. They have huge anthems with broad themes. R.E.M. has songs with titles like “Kohoutek” and “Harborcoat.” Anyways, thanks for listening, that’s what you’re always here for Sagittarius.

Capricorn- Rarely are you truly given the time and space to be yourself. You are always working for someone else and stashing away your needed to time to help others. This can be a good quality, but it can be a detriment to your happiness. Unfortunately, this is another month where this will happen. I’m really going to need to lean on you in the coming weeks. I really appreciate. Maybe next month?

Aquarius- Did you have a friend’s mom that had a quirky personality trait that coincided with their home’s decor? Was she a pig lady? Did she have a bunch of those Precious Moments dolls? Did they have dolls “from history” (racist dolls)? Did she have a bunch of tea towels that referred to her love of wine? Well we always rag on the corny decor of the mom, but guaranteed the husband had NASCAR or Larry Bird or Bruce Springsteen photos in their basement where they watched football on Sundays. So give them all a break, stop making jokes at their expense. You were collecting Pokemon cards or whatever, no one is perfect.

Pisces- Take a break this whole summer. Tell your boss you’re going on sabbatical. It has been a tough 2023, and you just need time away. I don’t care that you’re not a professor and I don’t care that a sabbatical means that professors are using that time to work on their research and have their peer reviewed papers published. Take the time with out the research.

Aries- I don’t care where you stand on sports fandom, you are going to be a prolific and successful online sports bettor. We praise you our Draft King.

Taurus- Don’t buy a new car. Ever. Treat your car like the Cubans treat theirs. Keep finding new and ingenious ways to keep their cars running and looking cool as hell. I know this could cost you a pretty penny, but your Toyota Tercel needs to stay on the road at all costs. Go forth and release your inner mechanic.

Gemini- (Hey Gemini, one second while I put Virgo in their place) You narcissist. I knew you’d scroll down here and read this. Guess what? I have nothing new to say! This is it. I hope you learned your lesson. As for you Gemini, don’t be a Virgo ever.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I’ve got some fun shows coming up! As always I host the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s Rock Diner every Tuesday. We have some very fun ideas coming up for next 6 weeks. So stay tuned on an announcement next week.

This Friday I’m up in Portsmouth, NH at the Blend 603 Gallery for a very fun show. You can find tickets here. Then, on Saturday I’ll be headlining at Pepe’s Dolce Bar. This is should a very silly time, plus they have gelato. Tickets for that show can be found here.

See you all next week!