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Bad Advice's Thanksgiving Recipes
This is Bad Advice #21! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.
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- Bill Shaner, lead Worcester Sucks dirtbag
I am contemplating inviting all my naysayers over for Thanksgiving. What are some of your worst Thanksgiving recipes?
-Gluten for Punishment
Dear Gluten for Punishment,
What a timely question! Did you know that Thanksgiving is on Thursday? If you did thank you. If you didn’t what a cool little surprise. Way to go. In the age of Ozempic and Wegovy, Thanksgiving seems like it could be going by the wayside. Not to mention the colonizer glorification of it all and some states literally trying to erase what literal history is actually taught in schools, the old meaning of Thanksgiving feel frivolous. The new meaning for a hot second was food and family. Then we all got obese and Michelle Obama was in our elementary schools telling kids they were fat. So, is it just family now? Ew.
I have for you three great recipes sure to upset your family no matter where they were on January 6th. I present to you, Shaun’s Bad Advice Recipes:
This side is trash, whether you make it yourself, plop it out of a can, or make your guests mash it at a buffet table. If you like cranberry sauce and have a partner, your partner should question your whole relationship. If you both like cranberry sauce, may I suggest picking up an anvil and walking off a dock together.
The key to making cranberry sauce is to soak it in a mixture of Ocean Spray Cran-Razz and Sprite the night before. Then push pepitas with your thumb inside for a good crunch. Then when placing it out for consumption dust it with Adderall so those eating can be hyper focused on how bad it is.
What You’ll Need:
Cranberry Sauce (3 cans)
Ocean Spray Cran-Razz (16 fl oz.)
Sprite (2 liter)
Pepitas (a shit ton)
Shady cousin with an Adderall hook up
Deep Fried Turkey (from frozen)
Turkeys shouldn’t exist anymore. Have you seen them? They are dinosaurs. They are not for eating they are for taking videos of when they stop traffic in your neighborhood. Turkey does not taste good. The only way to really eat it is to smother it in gravy or mix it in a sandwich with a ton of other things. The key to deep frying a turkey is to have it thaw first and then dump it in scalding hot peanut oil in a deep fryer. If you recall this recipe calls for you to cook it from frozen. Here is a video of what happens. The idea is to really fuck this whole day up. Ruin your family’s expectation of getting to eat turkey and give firefighters something to do. Extra points if your uncle is a firefighter and has to come and actually face his family.
Get that oil up 375 degrees. Drop that turkey in. Use a pole as it will immediately flare up and most definitely burn your skin off. Carve and serve whatever is left.
What You’ll Need:
A years old frozen turkey
As dinner is wrapping up, offer to help clear plates. As you walk into the kitchen to put the dirty dishes in the sink just ask who you think will win the 2024 Presidential Race. After starting a fire and putting up with your passive aggressive aunt drunk on cheap rose asking you about your “computer job,” the argument that will most likely ensue will be a cherry on top. With any luck very nuanced takes on Hamas, Israel, Ukraine, Immigrants, and Catholic pedophilia will come up.
Make sure to deliver it in an optimistic tone and smile as you say it.
What You’ll Need:
Weed Gummy (1) consume moments after asking
Thanksgiving week is a slow one for comedy. I’ll of course be hosting the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s as I do every Tuesday. List goes out at 7:30 p.m., show starts around 8:15 p.m.. Show up and go up baby.
We are also excited to announce that on December 8th at 8 p.m., we will be having another Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island. If you’ve never seen this show it is a doozy. Comedians will spin a wheel to find out what their set will be. And these will all be holiday themed this month! The show is free and the place stays open later just for this show so come and get some late night dogs and have a laugh on us!