BREAKING: Ralph’s haunted attraction sparks religious protests

'Satan lives in Worcester,' demonstrators allege

Tensions flared at Ralph’s Rock Diner Sunday afternoon as a group of evangelical protestors demonstrated against what they called a “satanic ritual” that will “awaken the Antichrist himself.”

A small group held signs on the patio of the Grove Street dive bar, chanting about a “conclave” of satanism set to assemble at the bar on Halloween weekend, October 27 and 28. The event is called Diner, Drive-In and DIE, and promises “a nightmare beyond the farthest reaches of the imagination.”

“Admission is only 10 bucks but it still might cost you an arm and a leg,” an event description reads. 

Demonstrators, however, believe the stakes to be much greater.

“I think the Antichrist himself is going to come up, through Ralph’s,” said Solomon Pond, holding a sign that read “TIME TO FUCK PRAY.”

Standing to Pond’s right, protest leader Evan Faiths, bible and cross in hand, expounded on the idea. 

“And I think that there’s a fear to that, but, at the same time, that’s good,” said Faiths. “Because there’s another sinner’s den wiped off the mat.”

Between chants, Faiths led the group in a series of scripture readings, each passage an apparent foretelling of what’s to come should the event go as planned. 

“This one is from Leviticus, and he said this at 8:27 in the morning. ‘A man or a woman who has a ghost or a familiar spirit, they shall be put to death with stones and the blood guilt is theirs.’”

The passage prompted one demonstrator to yell, “We heard there was ghosts!” 

“Right,” said Faiths. “And no blood guilt. Fake blood, real hell.”

What was an overwhelmingly peaceful affair quickly turned violent as the demonstrators tried to enter the establishment. The group took up “fake blood, real hell” as a chant while Faiths pointed to the entrance of the bar, yelling “charge” repeatedly. 

Two bouncers blocked the entrance as the group continued their chant, protest signs dipping to resemble lances. The bouncers, for their part, spoke in what seemed to be a specialized code centered around the word “pudding.” The exchange escalated when Faiths attempted to strike a bouncer with a handheld cross.

“Everyone is going to regret everything if they don’t let me in,” Faiths shouted, as fellow demonstrators grabbed him by his arms, pulling him back. 

Threats to call the authorities eventually quieted the demonstrators, who took their protest into the parking lot as advised by bar staff. 

At the quiet remove, tensions simmering, the demonstrators explained how they were first alerted to the satanic nature of the event. 

Pond and Faiths, the pair of them aspiring actors from the same Warren-based congregation, answered an open casting call for performers at the upcoming attraction.

“I answered (the call) because I’d been trying, in service of the lord’s work, to pursue my acting career. To further spread the message of Jesus Christ our Savior,” said Pond. In their congregation, the Where Ever There’s Two Followers Of Christ Church (WETTFOCC), male members are encouraged to pursue careers in the arts, Pond said. 

“What I encountered was vile smut the likes the world has not seen before.”

Asked for specifics, Faiths interjected: “Well you can’t really put it into words, but, the smell.”

They said they arrived at the bar to the distinct smell of sulfur, flies, posters on the wall depicting female sex organs, but there was one discovery that, more than the rest, spurred the group into action.

“I was looking around,” said Faiths, careful to say he wasn’t engaged in “snooping,” or, as he called it, “the devil’s looks.” He said he opened the door of a closet in the upstairs portions of the venue, finding it strange that event organizers continually referred to it as “The Green Room.” Within, he said, were hundreds of bottles of baby oil, stacked neatly, from floor to ceiling. 

“So they’re drinking it, is my guess.”

When Faiths relayed his findings to Pond, he said it immediately triggered a seizure, leaving him writhing on the ground, unable to speak English, but rather in tongues. 

Faiths spirited a trembling, undulating Pond out of the venue—all the while holding his tongue, he noted. When they reached the daylight of the parking lot, the seizure abruptly stopped, Faiths said. 

“So I said ‘We gotta go now. We gotta get some signs and come back.’”

The group plans on protesting the venue daily leading up to the event. Ultimately, they want to force the owner to cancel it, or else bring about the rapture.

Asked multiple times for comment, an organizer of the haunted attraction issued a terse statement via Instagram messenger: “big whoop.” A series of follow-up questions went unanswered as of press time.

Bar owner Vincent Hemmeter denied the allegations levied by the demonstrators. Reached by text message, his comment was brief: "While I completely disagree with the protesters, I admire their dead-i-cation.”

Bar staff were similarly ambivalent. 

“It’s fine,” said one of the bouncers. “Only thing that really bugged me was... I don’t know how to describe it... the smell?”

“Yeah they smelled awful,” said the other. “Like some sort of spoiled pudding or something.” 

One of the bartenders was involved in the earlier casting call incident, but said they remember Pond’s seizure incident differently. He did collapse to the ground, and he was writhing, the bartender said. 

“But one thing I know about seizures is you don't say ‘seizure’ repeatedly,” said the bartender, who refused to provide his name. 

“He was, like, insistent we held his tongue, too, which was really weird. He kept saying stuff like ‘hold it slower.’

“Oh yeah—and they got into the baby oil, too.”

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Without the work we do, dens of ill repute will surely unleash the rapture ahead of schedule.

Due to today’s breaking news I’m pushing aside the essay I teased in the Thursday post. Will share that this week sometime.