This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is a very small empire but with your help could grow into a “small” empire and then perhaps even a “middling” one. —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I am starting my freshman year in high school and so far the transition has felt very overwhelming. I am having a hard time finding my classes, I don’t know where to sit in the cafeteria, and a lot of my friends from middle school are in different classes. I just want to know does it get better? Or am I in for a real hard four years?
-Fretting Freshman
Dear Fretting Freshman,
Don’t believe the hype from pop culture. High school is neither the best time of your life nor is it the worst time of your life. When all is said and done it is just another phase of your miserable existence. If you go into high school knowing that life is shit and we all just have to move forward because the clock has informed us to, the easier everything will be.
Now, should you strive to be a good student? If that is what you want, that is what you should do. If you want to pick and choose where to succeed in your academics, be my guest! (It worked for me). If you want to wreak havoc, by all means, go for it. With all of these choices there are consequences, of course. Try hard? You may have less of a social life. Pick and choose? You may have fewer options for yourself post-graduation. Wreak havoc? Most likely you’re arrested.
I had done some pretty stupid things in my high school career. Partly because I reminded myself that it all doesn’t matter. I used to stomp around the cafeteria like a Velociraptor. I would jump on to tables and eat kids’ food without my shortened hands. I would yelp and scream and cause absolute chaos. I never once got in trouble for it. Including my last lunch when I was a senior, I received a stand ovation from the entire cafeteria including the teachers, who told me they were going to miss my performances.
In another instance, I started streaking at parties. At first, some folks didn’t really like it. The mood was homophobic. It was always guys yelling at me. It got to the point that after a while it became known that I was the guy that got naked at parties, and after a while I was just a naked guy at the party. I would play beer pong or sit and have a conversation. I guess you could say I was a nudist? If anyone ever yelled or asked me to put my clothes on, I would. But most times everyone kind of didn’t see me as naked. They treated me as an equal.
You do not have to perform as a extinct creature or expose your body in public. That is not the bad advice. The bad advice is care less. Can’t find your class? You’ll be late, and then you’ll get a detention and then maybe you meet your new best friend in that detention. Don’t know where to sit in the cafeteria? Just start sitting. If that table doesn’t talk to you, go to the next one. My freshman year the older punk kids I tried sitting with would mock me for liking Cave In and not Saves the Day (you don’t need to know these references). Eventually they realized that it didn’t faze me and they kept letting me sit. You only see your friends after school? Perfect, why would you want to hang out with them while learning about Mesopotamia? Go get into trouble outside of school and drink a dirty soda or whatever.
I’m doing a lot for you here. I hesitated putting in writing the getting naked thing. But I did it for you. Don’t blow this.
NEWS
This weekend I will be playing in a basketball tournament run by a bunch New York comedians. It is called The Big Walkowski. It is run by Joel Walkowski. He just wrote a great book titled Honolulu Blues. Go get yourself a copy. This year we are honoring a great friend that I’ve mentioned here before, John Rosenberger. The tournament raises money for LiveOnNY a organization that helps with Organ Donation. If you feel like donating, please do.
Next week Hot Dog! is back on September 18th. Stay tuned!