Don't go big, just go home
When it comes to middle schoolers, it's best to single one out
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Dear Shaun,
I feel like every other social media post I see is someone talking about how 2024 was the hardest year of their life and that they have a resolution to make sure this year turns for the best. Was last year a bad year? Didn’t feel good, but I don’t know if I can definitively say it was the worst. However, I would like to make a resolution to have a better year. My point is, should my resolution shoot for the moon? Or should I just say I want to try and eat more salad? I’m probably going to disappoint myself. Should I go big or just go home?
-Go Big or Go Home
Dear Go Big or Go Home,
Yeah reel it back baby girl. Honestly no one should shoot for the moon. Why shoot for something that was just filmed on a soundstage? We never went to the moon1, just like you’ll never stop ordering from the Taco Bell App. It’s not a bad thing, other than the lying. Let’s just be honest with each other.
Why try and put yourself in a situation wherein you for the most part will fail? Aim low. Punch down on yourself. Have your resolution read more like “I’ll buy a mango.” It doesn’t even have to say eat it, you may just end up composting it (sorry, don’t mean to tack onto your resolution list, you throw it in the garbage too). Point is choose things that are attainable. It will make you feel good.
There’s that great book by Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird which talks about focusing on the task in front of you. I’m not saying that the white lady with dreads has all the answers, but just tackle that bird that is in front of you. Here is one I’m doing: I’m only going to play video games when I’m on a Zoom meeting for work. When the meeting is over, I won’t play anymore. If I don’t have any Zoom meetings, I will not play video games. That is an achievable bird.
You can’t say you’re going to quit cigarettes. That is too much pressure. You’ve got to say I’ll only smoke three a day. Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Three square meals. You can’t just stop immediately. You’re going to fail and then disappoint yourself.
You can’t just stop yelling at the middle schoolers who walk by your house, making noise. You’ve got to single one out and make their specific life miserable. Find out their weaknesses and harp on them from your window. Make them second guess their outfits, likes and dislikes, their relationships. Get the other children to turn on him. Now that’s a New Years resolution.
I commend you for trying to make your life better, but recognizing that your life isn’t that bad to begin with. I think it is healthy to want to be better and to strive to make that happen for ourselves, but big swings ain’t it. Bully a 7th grader, that way they aren’t yelling while you catch up on episodes of Real Housewives of New York. In the process you’re going to put that kid’s ass into gear and they will want to better themselves as well. Win/Win.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
Tonight I am roasting fellow Worcester comic Brandon Pires at The Rockwell in Davis Sq. in Somerville. You can get tickets here.
That’s all this weekend but my calendar is filling up this winter, excited to see you at a show soon!
Truly only writing this hopes that Buzz Aldrin reads this and attempts to punch me.
