Escape from Worcester
I am cold, it gets dark early still and I feel cooped up in my own home
This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! The 20 percent off New Year’s sale ends tomorrow!
- Bill
Before we get into it, just want to shoutout a reader, from Minnesota, who wrote a really sweet email about how much they enjoy this column, especially her son who is incarcerated. Sometimes when you write on the internet you feel like you are writing into the void, so it is cool to get feedback. Thank you!
Dear Shaun,
I must escape this snowy, winter wonderland. Every summer, I say, “yeah this weather is nice but I miss the snow.” And then the snow hits and I am outside shoveling and the plows keep messing up what I started and I curse the universe. I am cold, it gets dark early still and I feel cooped up in my own home. Could you suggest some places I may be able to go on vacation to leave this wintry mixed-bag behind?
-Wintry Mixed-Bag
Dear Wintry Mixed-Bag,
Oh, have I got some suggestions for you!
First suggestion: A Stay-cation. I assume you are writing from Worcester or another forgotten mill town of New England. Why not revel in the sterile unhipness of a downtown hotel chain near coffee shops that close too early and restaurants that aren’t open on the days you are staying there? Make sure to scan the QR codes strewn about the city that tell you what all of these buildings used to be! I know this isn’t an escape from the cold, but let’s be honest you’ll just be inside in a different room watching Below Deck the whole time.
Second suggestion: Death Valley National Park. Just go to the other extreme! Instead of wet and cold and dreary, let’s do dry and hot and bright! Sure it is untenable to actually survive in there, but doesn’t it feel like that living around here too? Cost of living and climate alone makes it feel like you’re on a slow march to death. Why not surround yourself with it?
Third suggestion: VR. You don’t even have to leave your home! For the same price it costs to book a hotel and flight you can stay inside and be wherever you want to be! Maybe you can go to the Metaverse and bully Zuckerberg, or you can play Animal Crossing and try and start an autocracy. Or just watch a bunch of porn, I hear it seems pretty realistic and I have no experience with this, just things I’ve heard about and read about extensively…
Final suggestion: Come over! I’ll cook you dinner and turn the temperature up wicked high so it’s warmer than Key West. My son will hunt you, for some local flavor and my mom will tell you which one of our neighbors or former church members have died. It will be a hoot!
Hopefully these help. If you choose the last one, make sure to give me a heads up. I don’t want to be researching VR porn and have you just walk in.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This weekend I’m at Off Cabot Comedy Club in Beverly, MA. It is one of my favorite places to play in this area and I’ll be opening for Geoffrey Ausmus. It should be a really fun time. You can get tickets here.
ALSO, don’t forget that The Sort of Late Show at Off the Rails is next Friday January 19th! We will have comedian Danya Trommer, Mike Hsu from 100.1 The Pike, Worcester photographer Kool Aid George, and a musical performance from Hakiim (formerly know as Casket, not the poster) and friends.
Plus we are bringing back an old favorite from the show called “A Nice Little Spot w/ Donna Connolly” where I go to a restaurant with my mom Donna Connolly and she talks about how great it is. Here is an example from years ago. Oh, watch this one too.
This month, we went to Wooden Bar and we taught my mom how to use chopsticks. It is going to be a blast. I have physical tickets for sale, so if you want to avoid fees, hit me up. You can also grab tickets online here.
