Worcester Sucks exists because its readers want it to enough to pay for it directly!
Horrorscopes
Aquarius- I’m sorry but your belief in dinosaurs no longer exists. Furthermore, you are a dino denier. Fossils? Plastic. Oil? Earth’s blood. Your favorite movie is still “Jurassic Park.” Tou cannot deny the power of Laura Dern.
Pisces- Your birthday is coming and you have to plan a surprise party. Invite all your friends over, pretending to be one of those friends. Get all of those people to your house when you’re not home thinking that they are going to hide and surprise you. Then you SWAT their asses. Just call in a bomb threat to that address and have a SWAT team really surprise all your loved ones.
Aries- With Venus eclipsing your moon this season, beware of Jupiter and it’s ever present danger of making you more stupider. If you succumb, you must turn to Uranus and smell the consequences.
Taurus- While you haven’t said it out loud you are tending to agree with Elon Musk. Every sixth thing he says, you find yourself in agreement. This pattern has repeated three times now. So with the last 18 things Musk has said you have agreed with three of them. Because of this you are more into numerology and therefore recognize the three sixes, or the mark of the beast. This means you are the devil, or at the very least you communicate with the dark lord. Sorry, now go buy a Cybertruck—for it is the word of Satan himself!
Gemini- Why don’t you call anymore? I feel like we are growing a part. I know we aren’t kids anymore, but damn- we’re still fun, right? Gimme a call, let’s grab a coffee or something.
Cancer- Don’t tell Gemini, but I’m not going to show up for that coffee, I’m going to SWAT their ass. HAHA, hell yeah.
Leo- The Boston Celtics coach, Joe Mazzulla, claims to watch the Ben Affleck classic “The Town” every night to motivate himself. To motivate yourself you find yourself watching the Ben Affleck classic “Gigli.”
Virgo- Why doesn’t anyone hitchhike anymore? I guess Uber or Lyft is like sticking your thumb out into the internet, and then agreeing to give the driver some gas money. There has got to be something thrilling about sticking your thumb out to strangers. And there has got to be something just as thrilling for those drivers who pick them up hoping to get some ass, grass or gas. I can guarantee if you pick me up I am giving you some gas from my ass, as I have a hard time digesting cheese. Bring back hitchhiking, Virgo.
Libra- We need to bring back the municipal government job of Town Crier. Forget X, or BlueSky or cable news. Just send me your missives and I will yell them out to the town. Hell I’ll even set up a phone line like Moviefone but it will be news stories, and I’ll cry all of them to you. Can you petition the city to add this occupation to the city charter?
Scorpio- Well Scorpio, report cards are in. You did not do well on the mid term, and you are racking up the absences. You don’t have to read every assignment (my column) but you should at least have an idea of what is being discussed. I wouldn’t even mind if you bullshit me a little and said something like, “last week was more derivative takes on male boredom and middle class malaise.” At least then I know you’re ready to participate more. I’m going to give you a C, with the hopes of it motivating you this Spring.
Sagittarius- Did you remember to get your car inspected? Yeah, same.
Capricorn- This won’t pass your inspection on your car but the moon is urging you to put swangas on your car. If you don’t know what swangas do a quick Google search. They are so cool to see in the wild. In Houston especially. If I were ever driving a car with those on I would be terrified to hit everything all the time. Good luck!
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This Saturday I’ll be at The Comedy Studio hosting for their 7:30 p.m. show on February 8th. Tickets for that are here.
Also, the next Hot Dog! at Coney Island will be on Valentine’s Day! Stay tuned for drink and meal specials, and an absolutely adorable poster done by Bryan O’Donnell.
See ya out there!
Bad Advice I think we can all agree is just truly terrible. Whoever named this thing got it right. It is the worst advice. Nevertheless, we love it. And it is in a weird way a credit to this outlet that we have the weirdest column in the city. So if you’re down with the alt weekly we’re trying to build here, you can make a direct investment with a paid subscription!
And if you’re feeling especially generous, there’s an option called “founding member,” where you can set your own rate for an annual contribution. Like $100, say. Either way we still appreciate you :-)
—Bill