Worcester Sucks runs on your support! No support no run! If you can spare a few bucks, drop it in the tip jar. If you can spare a few bucks a month, subscribe. If you can spare like ~$26 hit up the merch store. —Bill
February Horrorscopes
Aquarius- The stars are aligning and they are making a giant middle finger.
Pisces- February brings a time of reflection. It is you staring into the bathroom mirror after you just punched it. The blood streams down your forearm and you realize this is the first time you’ve felt something in months. You steady yourself on the vanity and grab your very own Quip! Quip: the only water pick that says, “free your mouth.”
Aries- The moon is asking you to take action. The moon needs a fucking break. Let the moon just smoke a cigarette and you can decide whether you should watch the newest season of “Bridgerton” or not.
Taurus- You’ve got a new hobby and it is empty wine bottle lamps. You’ll make a killing. Think of the sons who don’t know who their mom is other than a red wine drinker at family parties and not the literal woman who formed them into the man they are today. Plus now you won’t want to kick so many of those bottles on the ground when you wake up each morning!
Gemini- Fight the cold this season. Go outside and start swinging. It worked for Tyler Durden, it can work for you. Remember, the first rule of Cold Club is FUCK ICE.
Cancer- Your instincts may be barking at you. Or it may just be your neighbor is a bad dog owner. Either way take it as a sign. Either listen to your instincts and take a shit outside or call SPCA on your neighbor.
Leo- Live each day not like it is your last, but like you are a line cook at a five-star restaurant. Sure, you’ll be stressed but that cigarette is going to taste so good during your break that will get cut short because the new guy can’t cut onions right. You’ll at once feel purpose and like the smallest person in the world. Right where we all belong.
Virgo- Name my unborn daughter. I’m leaning towards Raytheon, Palantir or Dupont.
Libra- You can DJ any bar as long as you have enough TouchTunes tokens. Take it from me, the man who plays “Crazy Frog” at least 6 times at the bar until the bartender ends up turning the system off.
Scorpio- Have an Epstein List party, leave redacted emails all around your house accusing all your friends of stuff you’ve always had a suspicion that they’ve done over the years but couldn’t actually put your finger on it. See how well everyone spins their stories. Eat, drink, and be merry.
Sagittarius- Have a signature party gift. The very funny comedian Alingon Mitra used to come to my house with Hypnotiq. Find your Hypnotiq. Maybe it’s coffee cake, maybe it’s water balloons. Make a statement.
Capricorn- You are mandated to come over and watch Spring Training baseball with me. The stars are willing it so.
NEWS
This week is busy for me! Thursday we have our monthly show at Boland’s at 8 p.m. Show is free and it has our previous Hotdog in Residence, Logan O’Brien and The Onion’s Kathy Lynch. Show is FREE.
Then on Friday I’m at Black Pond Brews in Connecticut. You can grab tickets here.
Then on Saturday I’ll be on the 9:30 show at The Comedy Studio. I’ve been having a lot of fun there lately. You can get tickets to that show here.
