Five tips to become beautiful like me
Turns out lotion has more than one application after all
Bill here with a quick note. Me and Shaun had a blast at the punk rock flea market Saturday. Thanks to everyone who came out and said hi and bought some stuff. Shaun sold more on-the-spot bad advice than last time! We think the phone booth placement had something to do with it.
Some leftover stock up on the merch store: 18 of the new Bad Brains shirts (gonna go quick!) and some restocked Eye of Sauron longsleeves.
And as always please consider an investment in us continuing to do local journalism in Worcester by way of a paid subscription!
—Bill
Dear Shaun,
Since you are my only local source for advice, I’m reaching out on a limb here. Do you have beauty tips? I suffer from dry skin, and also feel self conscious about how much to take care of myself. There is a line where it goes from health over to vanity. I was wondering if you could suggest some self care and beauty tips? Thanks.
- Beauty Bereft
Dear Beauty Bereft,
You have made my year already with this request! Not only have I never been asked this question, I famously don’t really take care of myself. I like to drink, I will dabble in a cigarette from time to time, and just discovered that lotion makes your skin feel better. I think I’m a pretty handsome man, but imagine if I worked out more, drank less and didn’t eat hot dogs every week? It is a very fun “what if?”
Yeah, I’ll bite on this. I’ll give you five tips on self-care and beauty:
Lotion. I already mentioned it. For most of my life I only used lotion for one thing and one thing only and I used it heavily I’d say from ages 12-18. I knew that lotion was used for other things, but did not think that it applied to me. When I played basketball most of my teammates would get “ashy” and lotion up before the game. But I was convinced my skin was fine while it was actually gasping for moisture. One time during a practice, I dapped up one of my teammates and they said that my hands were ashy and I thought they were just saying that to make me feel like a part of the team. Did not think it was an actual critique of my skin. Moisturize your body. It actually makes you feel better for longer, unlike the fleeting moments of post-nut clarity.
Tea bags. Tea in general is great for you. I find a hot, steeped mug of Irish Breakfast to be a healing mid-afternoon ritual. You’ll need to find what leaves are best for you. Some have caffeine in them, isn’t that wild? Chuck out your Prime, and boil some leaves. But after you drink your tea you can use the tea bags to help with puffiness around your eyes. Your skin absorbs the moisture and the juices steeped help ease inflammation. Plus there are plenty of tea baggin’ jokes. You can say things like “I’ll be over in a few just gotta get tea bagged first,” or “yeah my face feels so much better after getting tea bagged,” or even “can we reschedule the parent/teacher conference I tea bagged myself and it was too hot.”
Colloidal Silver. Why worry about the type of make up you may need to make yourself look pretty, when you can just take enough colloidal silver to turn your skin blue. This is a condition called Argyria. Overexposure to silver and silver dust can eventually make your skin turn blue. Then you’ll really stand out. The Blue Man Group was one of the most successful stage shows in American history, you can be that but at work!
Reading. This column and all Worcester Sucks related material. You’ll either read my advice, a round up of the School Committee, or a well-reported story about some horrific thing people in power in Worcester did and it may not sit with you well. You may start to get worked up or depending on how bad the abuse of power is, depressed. What better motivator to take care of yourself? If the city is in turmoil and this comedian keeps telling you to do shitty things, why not moisturize, exercise and eat healthier? No-brainer in my eyes.
Run after the bus. Can’t afford a gym membership? Or you can, but the culture is intimidating? The bus in Worcester is free and doesn’t always exactly arrive on time. Start two blocks away from where the bus stop is and when you see it coming down the street run to the stop. Dead sprint. The amount of times I see people do this and are breathing heavy in their seat afterwards is staggering. This is a great workout just based on the energy exertion. If you want to challenge yourself even more, carry heavy grocery bags or a small child. Once you get your reps up enough, you’ll have shed some pounds and won’t look like a sweaty mess the next time you take the bus to your job interview.
NEWS
Today, I will be doing some jokes at the Dirty Gerund at Ralph’s Rock Diner. If you haven’t been to this show, sure it is a poetry open mic, but it is so much more than that and it has an unbelievable community that it has built, even if it is not this Monday, go soon you won’t regret it.
Thursday we are taking over Boland’s Irish Bar’s Comedy Night. Bryan O’Donnell and I will be bringing some of the best comedians from all over to the Canal District in Worcester. Show is FREE and starts at 8. This week we have Liam McGurk headlining.
Then Saturday, I will be at Elephant & Castle in Boston. You can grab tickets here.