Fourth of July Jitters

How do you celebrate something you know is horrible?

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Dear Shaun,

With younger generations maybe starting to reckon with the history of our country (slavery, colonialism, war, racism, etc.) I was wondering if there was a way you celebrate the Fourth of July? Is there a way to enjoy oneself and also recognize all of the horrible ways in which we got to where we are today? Maybe there isn’t? Let me know!

-Uncle Sam’s Suppressor

Dear Uncle Sam’s Suppressor,

Fourth of July is to forget all that shit, you idiot. We are celebrating the ragtag group of drunks that argued in a bar until they came up with a sham government that was slightly better than a monarchy. These fuggin’ sots just wanted to not get taxed by a wigged man on an island across the Atlantic. I wouldn’t want it either. I’d throw all of my tea into the briny ocean as well. If I got drunk enough with all my bros and kept talking about how much money I don’t have because we are still beholden to a man who has the world convinced he is ordained by god to rule a bunch of different territories, I’d be pissed too. I may try to declare my independence. I actually tend to declare that “I’m my own man” a lot when people try to stop me from doing something while I’m shitfaced.

Once, during my bachelor party, I was about to cross the street and a car began to roll through a stop sign. I played a little bongo solo on the back windows of their car to let them know they almost had a vehicular manslaughter on their hands, and they got out to come yell at me. It was a heterosexual couple and they threw Nutterbutters at me. I told them that they almost hit me and I had a right to smack their car as it would have been way more damaged had they hit me, so if anything this was a favor to them. My friends stopped them from hurting me and I sprinted off to revel in my independence. To make a metaphor of all this: I am Thomas Jefferson, the Nutterbutters are taxes, my friends are the 13 colonies, and my drunkenness is the dawning of modern democracy.

Just like with Veterans Day, we do not celebrate war. Just like Memorial Day, we do not celebrate death. Just like Presidents’ Day, we do not celebrate assassination. All of these exist to remember the triumphs. If you celebrate Christmas, you don’t remind people that Jesus was probably born in June. If you celebrate Hanukkah, you don’t remind people that this was a parable. If you celebrate Christopher Columbus Day, you don’t remind people you’re a fucking loser Italian.

This Fourth of July, do what you want to do to celebrate. If it is fireworks, if it is hot dogs, if it is Natural Light Beer, if it is an ice luge with Kahlua seeping down, if it is watching Loose Change on a burned DVD, so be it.

I still haven’t fully answered your question, though. How do I celebrate the Fourth of July? I make sure I am not working, I make sure I drink a balance of water and beer, I cook on my grill, I watch the Nathan’s Hot Dog eating contest, I watch baseball, I listen to the protest song “Born in the USA” by Bruce, and I watch Loose Change on a burned DVD.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

Comedy is really starting to slow down for me this here end of June and into most of July. But I do have a show this Friday June, 28th. I am hosting for the hilarious Mary Spadaro at Nick’s Comedy Club. They are moving away from Boston soon and this would be a great time to catch them before they make it big. Get your tickets here.

Also, shout out to everyone who has written to me or come up to me in public to tell me how much they like the column. It really means a lot. Please continue to do so! Till next week!