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Dear Shaun,
My neighbor’s tree is definitively on his property. Yet most of the branches of said tree lean over our fence and into my property. So, every single year I end up raking his tree’s leaves. I’m already raking the leaves of my trees, and they have intermingled with his tree’s leaves, but I am probably raking for an hour more each season thanks to that tree that is not mine. What can I do? Do you have any ideas?
- Make Like A Tree and Leaf Me Alone
Dear Make Like A Tree and Leaf Me Alone,
There are a lot of options available to you here. You could go and talk to your neighbor about this. Maybe you two could invest in a neighborhood leaf blower to take some of the raking load off of you. You could late at night go and chop down his tree and hope it lands on his house for maximum damage. You could move your fence over beyond the tree and claim that tree as yours. Who moved in first? You could say that whoever did has the rightful claim to that tree and those leaves. Maybe build a shed under the tree? Then another and another. Start renting those sheds to your other neighbors and then you all will have a legal claim to that tree and those leaves. Maybe there is an option where it is his tree but your leaves, like it is right now. But you offer to sell those leaves back to him. There has to be a two yard solution, no? I’m sure you have gamed out all of these options, like any sane person would.
When it comes to neighborly disputes, the usual answer is communication. I mean, when it comes down to it, that is a huge part of de-escalation. If we just let the folks we are having a problem with know about how upset you are about something, they may not have even been thinking about that perspective and reflect on themselves. Communication can also blow up in your face. Some people see that vulnerability as a weakness. They see it as land to conquer. Most times, when folks are faced with conflict, even if it is honest and open, they tend to fold or at least hear you out and return the courtesy.
If for some reason your neighbor sees your starting of a conversation as an act of war, be prepared. This is no longer about the tree and its leaves. Everything is fair game. The moment your neighbor winces at your kindness, attack. Just like Russia put its tanks on the border before they invaded Ukraine, you must do the same. Have a cherry picker on your border, engine on and ready to lop off every last branch that happens to creep over to your side of the fence.
You know what would be even better? An amazing scare tactic? When you go over to talk to them, carry the chainsaw that you will use. Dramatists call this Chekhov’s Gun. You have now introduced a weapon to the situation, and it must be used. Either hold it at your side or over your head like Leatherface. Your neighbor will get the message right then and there. Even if they concede and say yeah I’ll rake the leaves now, just respond with a revving of the chainsaw and go, “don’t worry I got it,” and cut down that sucker anyway.
If you think there will be any bad blood between you two after that, just get really into smoking meats and invite them over for a fall cookout. No neighbor in their right mind can resist free food especially if it smells as good as you are going to make it. Be sure to get a real good dry rub and go low and slow. In fact, make sure to invite me too! I’m hungry.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
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