Please support Worcester Sucks so we can buy Shaun velvet robes and a gold chalice toward which he can point and call out to his servants for “more wine!”
Dear Shaun,
Is it even worth it to boycott certain companies? Is my lack of purchases at Amazon, Target, BP, etc. really making a difference? It has been proven that giant companies will get bailed out by the government if they crash. So is Jeff Bezos really feeling the impact of me not using his store to get my laundry detergent? Should I go the extra step to continue to buy local? It feels like I am not even making a dent in the grand scheme of late-stage capitalism.
-Frustrated Finances
Dear Frustrated Finances,
Recently, at 39 years old, my body has blessed me with a new ailment that I will now seemingly struggle with the rest of my life. I run a mile five days a week, I play basketball for two hours every Sunday and walk my dogs for a mile twice a day. I try and eat healthy and fresh as often and possible and, sure, I drink alcohol, but I am by no means a binge drinker. However! I have now twice suffered the King’s Ailment that is known as gout.
Gout occurs typically in the great toe joint. It is unfiltered uric acid that builds up in those joints and then outputs tiny crystallized shards of that built up uric acid. I know gout has a harmless name and it is tied to those who overindulge in drinking, red meat and seafood but I must tell you that it is a pain I have never experienced in my life. I have woken up in the middle of my wisdom teeth extraction. I have woken up in the middle of two different root canals. I have been broken up with the same week I was shopping for a wedding ring. I have experienced pain. This hits different. Mothers who has given birth excluded, this pain is the most excruciating.
It hurts to the touch, it hurts not to the touch, it kept me awake all night once because the attack was so severe. In the past two weeks I have been able to stably walk on both feet for a total of two days. My wife is currently 39 weeks pregnant and she had to take care of me instead. While the pain of my toes were unbearable it paled in comparison to the pain of watching your waddling wife go up and down stairs to get your water, food and ice packs. Her feet are so swollen and she had to use those plump pedis to serve me! Stab me in the heart.
My doctor said that my kidney looked good and that my uric acid levels were not alarming and atypical to gout sufferers. Which means my body has just decided that it no longer wants to process that acid. My body gave up on me. My body said “hey you’re doing a pretty good job staying in shape, maybe too good. So we wanted to stop functioning in one key area to really give you a challenge, pussy.” Woah so toxic body! Why would my body use such language? I’m sorry about my body everyone. Not cool.
As far as boycotting goes, keep boycotting. But buy shares in these companies so you too can profit off their evil. If you can’t beat them, join them. Bad advice folks!
NEWS
My baby’s birth is imminent. I am a psycho and still will be writing. See you next week!
oh man I had gout so badly for years and years
hate to tell you that soon as I stopped drinking it disappeared