You know what would be a funny prank? Taking out a subscription to this outlet on your parents’ least-used credit card (kidding) (unless…) (no, kidding. Definitely kidding.) Or a tip! —Bill
Dear Shaun,
I’m a teenager who would like to get into some classic Halloween pranks. I have been watching old horror movies with my dad and often teenagers are pulling pranks in those. I was wondering if you think it is a good idea to toilet paper someone’s front yard, or throw eggs? My argument to my dad was that his generation is always complaining about how we are on our screens all the time, and now we won’t be! What do you think?
-Halloween Teen
Dear Halloween Teen,
I must remind folks sometimes that the title of this column is “Bad Advice” and therefore I am going to say of course you should take part in some All Hallows Eve havoc. You did screw up though. I think it is awesome that you have a relationship with your dad where you can watch old horror movies. And an even better relationship where you are comfortable enough to suggest you may take part in some misdemeanors. But, you should not have told him. You now must go on a campaign about how you now think that idea is “mid” or “sus” or “6 7.” Make him really believe that this ultimately isn’t worth your time. Then we move to Phase II.
You’ve got to decide what type of Halloween prankster you want to be. Are you going to focus on destruction (i.e. TP, eggs) or are you going to go and scare young kids or are you going to pull off some individual pranks at a friend’s Halloween party? I was never one for destruction. There still lies a Catholic guilt within me. I felt bad about leaving behind a mess in the wake of my mischief. I also wasn’t much for scaring folks. I don’t like getting scared, and leaning into that Catholic upbringing again, obeyed the Golden Rule. Why would I dole out something that I couldn’t take myself? So scaring kids was out. That left me with party pranks.
I was so good at these ones. Some of them caused more destruction than originally intended, but so much of your youth is learning from your mistakes or at the very least hardening your flaws until you become an unfixable 38 year old. I am not condoning the next examples of my party pranks, I am merely giving you a starter kit for inspiration. In no particular order, here are some of my favorites:
lighting a piñata on fire
kool-aid in the washing machine
“blinging” where you wrap obscure parts of the house in aluminum foil, only for the parents to find it weeks or months later, thus learning their child threw a party. (i.e. one pizza bagel in a box, a bookmark in a book, one pen in a drawer)
streaking
streaking through a party you know is happening but don’t know a soul there
secretly baking cookies
secretly cooking a chicken
changing the answering machine message [note: this no longer applies]
elastic band on the kitchen sink hose
swapping family photos for framed photos of yourself
lighting fireworks in the backyard
bumper sticker on family car of the political candidate the dad will hate most
I miss it. I also realize that my son will bring back all the karma I deserve. I’m fucked.
Halloween is the one holiday to allow for some mischief. If you find an inkling in your bones to partake, you must partake. There is a sincere adrenaline rush I received each time I did one of these pranks. For me, it was the rush of getting caught. To this day I love playing hide and seek. To attempt to be somewhere your son couldn’t even fathom being and staying there, defying his reality. That’s what pranks are, too. They are unexpected and often inconvenient, but ultimately (other than the kool-aid or bumper sticker) harmless. And with some of them you get fresh baked cookies or a chicken dinner! Go forth and be merry, young prankster. After all one of the biggest cultural pranksters of the 20th century is from Worcester, Abbie Hoffman. Make him proud.
NEWS
Tonight I am on an incredible new show in Worcester at Free Play. It is called Gameshow Mashup. Comedians perform their sets and also compete in hybrid versions of class gameshow games. It just costs the price of admission to go play all of the free games, EIGHT BUCKS. Show starts at 8 p.m.
Saturday, WOOtenanny is putting on another great night of comedy at Hunchback Gallery. It is called Fine Art and we have some amazing comedians on for you. Admission is a suggested $5 donation and you can come early to check out all the amazing art hanging on the walls. If you aren’t sold on this poster done by the Hunchback himself, Travis Duda, then yeah maybe you shouldn’t come.
