Help! I am a star and they won't let me shine
What should an elite competitor do when unfairly banned from the big stage?
Dear Shaun,
I was recently banned from a local hot dog eating contest put on by a charity. At every turn in my attempt to compete while supporting a wonderful cause, I find myself put up against a wall by this organization. I competitively eat, much like Michael Jordan, for the love of the game. I don’t know how to get across to the organization that maybe I am not the problem, and that they may have some reflecting to do. After all, Republicans eat hot dogs too.
-Not Eric Yankus-Franco
Dear Not Eric Yankus-Franco,
I am so sorry to hear about this. It seems that late-stage capitalism, partisan divisions, distrust of creative thinking, and nitrates are getting the best of a lot of well-intentioned people. It seems almost every day I read a headline about these various poisons affecting how our world moves forward. May seem like small potatoes—or Vienna sausages in this case—but this is how the columns of our society crack and eventually crumble.
I suggest you compete for the sake of competing. You may not be allowed on the big stage with the rest of your rivals. But I think you need to see through all of your training for your own sake. You have worked hard to get to this point. This is equivalent to training for a marathon and then walking away on the day. You need to push yourself to see if you can reach your personal best.
That is all we strive for, isn’t it? To reach our personal best? I know I do, and I encourage my friends and family to do the same. I take time out of my day each week to write this column. I write it for those who enjoy reading, but I write it for myself too. To give the best bad advice possible. Each week I try to outdo myself to help folks make the worst decisions. Some say eating a ton of hot dogs in a 10-minute span is not good for you, which is exactly why you need to do it. For you.
I don’t think you’re going to be able to change an organization’s mind. That is hard to do overnight, or within the coming days. But one way to spark change is with individual action. It starts with you, it inspires another, who inspires another, etc. Liberty and justice are for the patient. Competitively eating hot dogs is not. Go out there and stuff your fucking face.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
Our headliners for Heartland Barber in Millbury had to cancel, so we postponed the show for this Friday. However, that means you can come see Bill and me over at the four-year Worcester Sucks birthday bash at Redemption Rock this Friday at 6! (Editor’s note: All party proceeds are going toward the newly created Worcester Disaster Relief Fund for victims of recent house fires).
This Saturday is The Hot Dog Rumble. The Heavy Metal Flea will be happening, then Worcester Hot Dog Safari Top Dog Competition, then Beyond Wrestling, and capping it off are the Glitter Boys. It is all at Ralph’s and it is all in one day. Buckle up, folks.
I’ll say more about this next week, but Andrew Mayer is a comedian who has won the Boston Comedy Festival and will be going to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival this August. Before he goes to Scotland he will be running his new show, “Have Fun, Be Your Self” at Ralph’s on Friday June 21st. You can get your tickets here.
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