Horrorscopes

I'm so bad at this, that it feels good

This is Issue #7 of Shaun’ Bad Advice of a new series on this platform. For more on what Bad Advice is and why it’s in Worcester Sucks now, head to issue #1. This column as well as the overall Worcester Sucks publication are sustained exclusively by reader contributions. Please consider a paid subscription!

Leo- Live your life as though “No Scrubs” by TLC is your manifesto. No scrubs. No janky-ass dude, no do-nuthin’ chicks, if you’re in the medical field quit your job, no scrubs. This will free you up to do cooler things like chasing waterfalls.

Virgo- Hey, Virgo, have you learned your lesson yet? I wasn’t messing around. It seems like you’ve been put in your place now, that makes me feel good. It wasn’t that I was mad at you, I was frustrated by you, by our relationship. There’s no need to be talking down to anybody. You can just live your life and meet people where they’re at. Plus you have tacky taste, and there’s nothing worse than someone who has basic ass taste, acting all high-fallutin’. Yeah I said it! COME FOR ME!

Libra- Sweet, sweet Libra, take this season off. Whatever season means to you. If that’s Fall, go for it. If it is the rest of the Red Sox season, yes. The Patriots? Absolutely. The Met’s upcoming opera lineup? Who needs Lysistrata again? Just take it easy for a bit.

Scorpio- So last month I told you to do the “Barbenheimer” double feature. This month I need you to watch The Sound of Freedom three times. I need you to tell me why some sect of America thinks it is good? Is it the guise of “saving children?” Is Jim Caviezel a good actor? Can right wing art be good? Does John Krasinski shoot a sniper in it? Just watch it and give me your honest opinion.

Sagittarius- Become a reviewer. Choose your alley. Restaurants, movies, music, doggie daycares, anything and everything. Become the voice of what is good. Be the standard voice. Make the industry you choose, bend to your taste. Become a kingmaker. You need this Sagittarius, and they need you.

Capricorn- I still need you to listen there buddy. I’m going through it over here. Still grappling with the death of my dead. Still grappling with the choice I made to buy a 12 foot skeleton from Home Depot to replace him. Still grappling with his alma mater, Assumption University, emailing his account to tell him he died. Still trying to figure out the code to his safe to see what he kept in there. Any ideas?

Aquarius- Go to an illegal street race. They used to have them on the service road near the Greendale Mall. That eventually got shut down. But ask around, but not like a cop, like a real human being with feelings and a heart. Ask around and watch some street racing. They seem like a really fun time. Music, food, some drinks and a bunch of really fast illegal street cars going for it. Not for some trophy like in F-1, but risking their lives to brag to their cousin about how fast their Nissan with NOS is.

Pisces- You have to go to The Worcester Hot Dog Safari. It is a pretty simple premise. There are 5 hot dog place in and around Worcester. You go and eat at all five places, rate them based on bun, dog, topping, presentation and value. You buy a scorecard and t-shirt to help decide the winner. There is other merch available. This year includes, a bucket hat, a cooler, a water bottle, a beach towel and plenty of stickers. All of the money you spend goes towards a big ole check to the Worcester County Food Bank. You can pick up your scorecard early on Thursday at The White Eagle at 6PM, Friday at George’s Coney Island at 7PM or the day of on Saturday at Ralph’s starting at 11AM. For more information follow @worcesterhotdogsafari on Instagram. Or just come!! See you then!

Aries- Pick a food and have that be your identity. Like for me it is Hot Dogs. But try and pick a healthier one. This one is catching up and it sucks.

Taurus- Get a Ouija board and try and contact the dead. Do whatever they say, they know better. They’ve literally been here before. Sure, if they give you murderous directions that is problematic for your morality and for your potential and future. BUT! That is just with you thinking of this timeline and this universe and this linear time. Who knows, maybe what you’re directed to do and ultimately succeed at doing creates a better life for whatever comes next. Or at the very least, someday some idiot will contact you with a Ouija board and you get to continue the murderous cycle!

Gemini- Gemini, I didn’t give you your proper due last month. I won’t again this month. This is a test in your patience and the answer to my test for you will will reveal itself next month! Patience my dear!

Cancer- Start eating your toenails. It can’t hurt you. It must be good for your teeth? It must be good for your gut? I’m no doctor, but I’m pretty healthy and I’ve been doing it for nearly 30 years with great success.

That’s it this month! Heed these horoscopes wisely and live your dang life!

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I’m at Milk Room Brewing in Rutland tonight (Friday). The show is at 7 and the headliner Julio Diaz is one of my favorite new comics coming out NYC right now.

Sunday is the big day! We have got Eddie Pepitone coming to The White Room. Tickets are selling fast, and there only a few left so pick them up while you still can! BUY THEM HERE.

And next week, I will absolutely be reminding you, but we are having a very special Worcester Hot Dog Safari kick off show at George’s Coney Island next Friday 8/18 at 8PM. Great comics, including everybody’s favorite meme maker, and MILF enthusiast Dicky Stock.

See you next time!