Horrorscopes

Your Year in Noise, Wrapped.

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill

Horrorscopes

It is the end of the year so here is your Music Streaming Service Wrapped Horrorscope!

Sagittarius- You listened to a lot of different noise this year. Between local politics, national politics, identity politics, and religious politics you sure had an earful. Hear is a link to Henry Kissinger’s Biography with an Introduction read by the devil himself!

Capricorn- Your top five genres were Sludge, Dread, Panic, Orgasm, and Near Death. Based on what you listen to you should move to Sioux Falls, South Dakota because no one will care what happens to you there!

Aquarius- Of all the genres Sludge was your top. This mainly consisted of hearing your own stomach grumble from all the caffeine you consumed while on an empty stomach. Within Sludge, Pink Sludge was a big pick. This was mainly found at McDonald’s, Taco Bell, Chick-Fil-A and 7-11 jerky packages. You were in the top 0.5% of listeners of Pink Sludge!

Pisces- Orgasm was not a popular genre for most this year, but you went for it! Of all the best moaning and groaning, you moaned and groaned more than most. Don’t worry if it was in the dark and you got immediately sad following. This is for you! This is self care! Don’t let anyone shame you otherwise!

Aries- Your top artist in the “Panic” category was {insert name of your parents}. This could be any sort of parental figure you may have, biological or not. This could be because they nag you to death or annoy you to no end. It also could be because you’re so worried about their finite time on this earth and you still don’t feel like an adult. Don’t worry even though their breath will stop someday there is a part of them that is saying they have no idea what they are doing either. They are just as much as you as you are them. We all are when you get down to it. With this knowledge we expect Panic to either be your most or least listened to genre!

Taurus- We created a color that exemplifies your exact mood based on your top genres. That color is indeterminate brown on the floor that makes you question if it is a melted chocolate chip or a piece of shit that slipped out of your pant leg when you tried to hold it in as you attempted to beat Zelda: Tears of the Kingdom.

Gemini- Drake is your favorite artist now, we are so sorry.

Cancer- Did you know that Shaun Connolly’s debut stand up comedy album is streaming on all major platforms and is available for purchase in physical form on his bandcamp?! Here you go, make him buy stamps!

Leo- We know that Sagittarius probably thinks we are punishing them by having to listen to an audio book about Henry Kissinger, so we’ll make you listen to it too! Solidarity!

Virgo- Listen to this iconic Christmas song in full and write to woocomedyweek@gmail.com your review. I’ll print your responses next week.

Libra- Congrats on putting up with all of the noise around you and deciding to continue to stay on this Earth. For that go and get to some place quiet, my guess is Kate Toomey’s brain has little to no action going on up there.

Scorpio- Hey Bill’s dad, you got a good music recommendation for me? I’m sick of Pink Sludge and Dread.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

Busy weekend! On Friday we got one of my favorite shows at Coney Island Hot Dogs! Watch Bryan O’Donnell and I host a group of comedians who won’t know their set that they will perform until they spin a wheel! If you’re coming come bring some money or a food donation for the Worcester Free Fridges. Show is at 8 on 158 Southbridge St. in Worcester!

Then on Saturday I am headlining Shakey’s Comedy Shack at Donut Villa in Arlington, MA. I’ve been given the opportunity to headline more often lately and it has been very fun and rewarding. You can grab your tickets here.

Talk soon!