Horrorscopes
Gloucester is a bad place
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June Horrorscopes
Gemini- Allergies getting you down still? Yeah, me too. What gives me solace is to remind myself that it is just tree jizz. So be happy those trees are getting some too. Go high-five a branch.
Cancer- Run a mile every day. It just takes 10 minutes out of your life. You disassociate for longer while trying to remember what you were going to search for on Instagram.
Leo- You know how little children go through phases of interests? Like, it’s dinosaurs for a month then it’s Little Mermaid or, for my son right now, videos of sinking ships? Adults have these too, N.A. Beer then vinyl records or, for my son’s father right now, videos of sinking ships. Let’s go back to the classics. Let’s go wonder at dino bones.
Virgo- Lean into the dystopian fears in your head. Help me develop an app where you just “touch grass” on an app. We could be millionaires.
Libra- You’re going to get really into Greaser culture. Leather jackets, moussed hair, poodle skirts, cigarettes, hetero-normative gender roles, unplanned pregnancies, breaking into song about how your car is your dick. Classic Greaser stuff.
Scorpio- Sun’s out, guns out! Please, for the love of god, think about the children and don’t walk into a school.
Sagittarius- You know that feeling that someone may be looking at you? It is not just a feeling, I’m watching. And you’re doing great.
Capricorn- Northern Lights are going to be visible as far as south as Gloucester in the coming weeks. Avoid them. Don’t go and see them. I can’t explain it but like, Gloucester is a bad place.
Aquarius- You are living that Ben Affleck smoking a cigarette drinking a Dunkin’ meme. There is no escaping no matter how much you text J.Lo. Also stop texting J.Lo, you don’t even know her like that.
Pisces- I’m predicting that the new “healthy” trend is mulch baths. Say goodbye to raw milk or paleo diets. The new thing will be to dive into and rub yourself all over with mulch.
Aries- You need a catchphrase. You’re personality is not enough. You need to distinguish yourself. So now when you’re hanging out with people, turn to camera and say, “who’d a thunk it!” It is going to go so well, they’ll make t-shirts for you.
Taurus- Don’t give up, don’t give in. Order that frosty from Wendy’s. And if the machine is broken, today was not your day. Know that the Sisyphean struggle is the purpose.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This week I’ll be at Mendoza Line at the Dugout Cafe in Boston. This show always so much fun. Please come on out and hang! You can purchase tickets here.
I’m also training for the Worcester Hotdog Safari Top Dog Hotdog Eating Competition. That is on June 21 at Ralph’s Rock Diner. Come support me and a great cause. Flyer below.
