Horrorscopes 2025
A Projection For Your Year
Happy New Year, everybody! Bad Advice is supported entirely by paid Worcester Sucks subscribers! It’s just $5 a month to sustain independent journalism. And there’s a merch store.
Also just last night Shaun came on the new Worcester Sucks podcast, Outdoor Cats, to talk about the mayor and city manager’s respective top 10 songs of 2024, and inform us all about Blippi. Check it out: Outdoor Cats Episode 5: A Tale Of Two Blippis (ft. Shaun Connolly).
—Bill
Capricorn- Year of the Snake, shed your skin. Give yourself Botox, bronzer, lifts, and tucks. The more you transform yourself, the more you will be accepted. Remember, if your full face is stuck in one emotion, your haters can’t guess how you’re feeling.
Aquarius- The first half of this year is special: You are in control, you pay your taxes, you get your car inspected, you floss. Second half of the year is pure chaos: You usurp a revolution, you become a stunt car driver, you vote in the midterm elections. Don’t forget to wear your seatbelt!
Pisces- In the style of the Farmers’ Almanac, I can promise you rain in April. The chickens will be roosting early. Your neighbor the cooper, Old Wayne Marcum, will notice the squirrels left us surprise for next year. And we may be able to start an orchard. Sounds like a nice life.
Aries- Uh oh you started a podcast. Sure, you will alienate some friends, but you’re going to make so many worse ones!
Taurus- Your investments from last year are going to pay dividends this year. You know how you put all that stock in listening to that 7th grade geography teacher of yours that told you Michael McDonald may be the voice of our future? So then you bought the Doobie Brothers Greatest Hits CD? You were ahead of the curve, dog.
Gemini- Not your year. Start planting flowers and pray next year they all, or at least some of them, bloom. Just try and like lay low.
Cancer- It is unspeakable.
Leo- You will require more sleep than usual. Your days will get longer when you are needed. However there will be spans of time where you will not be needed at all. Sleep, rest, let yourself recharge. I’m sorry this is the best way to break the news that you’re going to get fired and when your family complains of your laziness, this is the best way to spin that.
Virgo- Congrats on your new pet! You know what rhymes with pet? Debt! Nothing says “I love a sentient being” like expensive surgery, induced vomiting, and general anxiety disorder. She’s so cute though.
Libra- This is the year you get bangs or shave your head. Red flag? Sure. Cry for attention? Absolutely. Keep your loved ones on their toes.
Scorpio- 10,000 steps are the key to your happiness. Not daily, the whole year. Don’t go over and don’t go under. You should only walk 10,000 steps in all of 2025. That’s roughly 28 steps a day. You’ve been warned.
Sagittarius- You should go to more comedy shows. Follow @WootenannyComedy on Instagram. It seems like they have a lot of cool shit going on.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
After a bit of rest this holiday season, I am ready to get back out there telling jokes! Had an unbelievable time at 100 First Jokes at the Comedy Studio where 100 comedians all told one joke. It was supremely well run and hilarious. Kudos to producers Brieanna Woodward and Al Christakis, who are also funny in their own right.
This week I am at Battery Steele Brewing in Portland, ME where I will be headlining. Either come on up or let your friends in Maine know! You can grab tickets here.
I’ll be reminding you a bunch, but Hot Dog at Coney Island is January 31. Put it in your calendar.