Horrorscopes
Horrorscopes
It’s your turn to clip my dog’s nails
Hey everyone Bill here hope you’re enjoying your freak April snow day! Just have to ask for money real quick!
Here’s why I have to: Bad Advice comes to your inbox courtesy the Worcester Sucks subscribers who pay me so I can pay Shaun. When you sign up to give this newsletter $5 (1.5 Dunkies) a month, that money goes through a digital Rube Goldberg machine involving various venture capital-backed tech companies and probably some other even more evil financial processes we’ll never know about and then about $4.50 (1.3 Dunkies (?)) eventually lands in my checking account. Then, when Shaun writes one of these columns, I put $50 (ummmm 15 Dunkies I think?) in another Rube Goldberg machine that eventually ends up in Shaun’s checking account, or wherever he puts it—not my business.
At the end of the year I total up all the Dunkies I give Shaun and then use that figure to lower the amount of Dunkies I’m required to give to the United States of America so they can turn those Dunkies into bombs for Israel and CIA agents for the New York Times foreign desk. (I still have to do my taxes.)
There are also separate Rube Goldberg machines for tips and merch orders!
Ok the begging portion of the program is over now to this week’s Bad Advice!
Horrorscopes
Aries- Spring has almost sprung! I want you to plant a garden. It can be vegetables, it can be a pollinator, or weed. I don’t care, just get to planting… and hook a brother up.
Taurus- Can you test out Ozempic for me? I’m so curious what it’s like. I don’t qualify for it with my insurance and also I don’t really like taking medications in general. So if you could test it out for me and keep a medical diary, so it can feel like I experienced it, that would be awesome.
Gemini- Start a cult. Not a sex one, or an abusive one. Lord knows we have enough of those right now. Make it something innocuous. Like we all listen to Phish or something. I guess that is a bad example because people who listen to Phish are kind of already in a weed-hazed-grilled-cheese-selling-have-their-own-Wikipedia-of-the-band’s-sets-and-know-too-much-about-each-band-member’s-personal-life-type cult. So I guess I’m saying start following Phish around.
Cancer- Okay, it’s your turn to clip my dog’s nails. They really don’t enjoy my company, especially when I try to care for them in any way.
Leo- Buy a bunch of weed for 4/20 and toss edibles out to people from your car like a modern day Johnny Appleseed. Okay, I’m going to do it and I’m not sorry: more like JOHNNY APPLEWEED!
Virgo- I want you to start focusing on climate disaster. Just get really into following weather trends, patterns, and the shift in our seasons. Please read up on it, attend conferences, and report back to me so I don’t have to live with this dread anymore. Just knowing that you are doing it makes me feel so at peace.
Libra- I noticed nearly none of you Venmo-ed me for my birthday. I understand our relationship now.
Scorpio- You now take siestas. You pronounce the letter “s” with a “th.” You are in mind and soul just a college sophomore who spent eight weeks in Sevilla, Spain. You are annoying and love cold soup.
Sagittarius- Be the first to really bring back hitchhiking. My dad used to hitchhike from Worcester back to Pittsfield at the end of the school year and for major holidays. That’s so wild to me. I want you to be the guinea pig so my son will be able to do it. Then I won’t have to keep getting him to events on time. I can just meet him there.
Capricorn- Do you own a belt buckle? I kind of want to be a belt buckle guy. I don’t feel like it’s my energy, but I want to see. Maybe I’ll just start wearing one and send you my fit checks and you can give me a yea or nay. If at the end of the month there are more nays than yeas, I will give up. But I’ll know, all thanks to you.
Aquarius- Pickleball. Go play it.
Pisces- I turned 37 last month and sometimes when I sit here and write these horrorscopes I think about how silly and trivial all of this is. My boss and coworkers on this newsletter report out actual facts and news about your livelihoods. Meanwhile I don’t know what Capricorn is (truthfully, every time I write it I picture a corn on the cob wearing some fashionable pants). But more often than not, when I’m out in the world, someone stops me to tell me how much they enjoy reading my column, and more often than not this feature of the column. Thank you. It makes me feel sane to write little insane things. All of that to say, you have to practice a handstand everyday until you can hold one for a minute. Send me the videos!
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
On Monday I had a blast featuring at The Dirty Gerund Poetry Open Mic at Ralph’s. Everyone is doing such an amazing job keeping that crazy little thing alive.
Saturday I am at Zone 3 in Allston. I’ll be opening for a good friend and very funny comedian, Kendall Farrell. Grab tickets here.
Sunday I am doing a spot on The Empire Revue in Providence. It’s Rhode Island’s longest running variety show, and is truly a blast. Get those tickets here.
Thanks, everyone!
Quick editor’s note: If you feel like you’re getting too many emails from us, you can manage which columns arrive in your inbox in the settings page of your account. (Not your Substack account, mind you, your account for this newsletter specifically. It’s confusing and stupid and hard to find.)