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This is Issue #15 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.
This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill
I try with all my might to get your horrorscopes out at the beginning of each month. This month is the month of Halloween, so these will all be terrifying!!
Libra- You know that scarf you like to wear? Don’t take it off, there are going to be some dire consequences!
Scorpio- Every chain letter that you receive YOU MUST pass on to the amount of people that it is requesting. I’m serious; no more, no less. Whether it is in an email (lol), text message, Instagram Story, Facebook DM, actual snail mail, or just word of mouth, pass that shit along or you will get bad luck for a year!!
Sagittarius- In the middle of the night, when you can’t sleep? You know, maybe you just woke up to pee and are having trouble settling back in because the bathroom light was too harsh? You know, then you roll over and your arm may hang off the side of the bed and your dog or cat gives you a little lick of comfort on the tips of your fingers? Well that’s not your pet!!! ITS A SICK AND TWISTED KILLER.
Capricorn- I know that there has been this thump-thumping sound you continuously hear. It’s if anything annoying. I know you didn’t kill anyone, this isn’t about that. The sound you’re hearing is about that time you pants the sweaty kid in gym class, or the time you told that girl in 3rd grade her socks not matching is the reason their parents are getting a divorce. This guilt is haunting you. You must find them on social media and send an unhinged apology.
Aquarius- In space no one can hear you scream, and when you’re pre-diabetic no one will give you ice cream. Watch your sugars.
Pisces- This horrorscope is coming from inside the house and I already know your favorite scary movie, it’s Scream and that is such a sophomoric choice.
Aries- All play and no work makes Aries a dull sign.
Taurus- You may have noticed that your skin feels different, your eyes may feel like they are bulging and your back itches a bunch. There’s a 50/50 chance you’re turning into a human fly, but it also may just mean you’re hungover and need to moisturize. Let me know either way!
Gemini- If you want to live deliciously, head on over to your local petting zoo and get to scheming with a goat, otherwise just stay lame and feed them their little pellets.
Cancer- Have your dreams felt incredibly real lately? Are you being chased, trapped, tortured or had a near death experience in them? Sorry about that still getting the hang of this power I have. I promise I won’t kill you, but we should like play tag or something while running on the ceiling! Dreams are crazy.
Leo- If you have ever thrown up in the middle of the night, just know it is not because of food poisoning or alcohol consumption. The real reason is the Devil is shy and is trying to get your attention. They never really had any friends and don’t know how to start and this is the only way they know how. Let ‘em know you have their attention, they're lonely!
Virgo- The next time someone posts in the Neighborhood App or on your community Facebook page that they saw a coyote, know that is was probably Cujo, A bigfoot, or one of the hounds of hell. Also know that frequent posters in those apps are the devil themselves.
That’s it this month! Heed these horoscopes wisely and DON’T DIE!!!
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This weekend I’ll be at one of the best clubs in the area on Saturday, Off Cabot Comedy Club in Beverly, MA. It’s a showcase and you can grab tickets here.
Also! The Sort of Late Show is back! It is Worcester’s take on The Tonight Show and it will be at Off the Rails. Get your tickets here! We have done this show for 10 years now and it is one of my favorite things that I’ve ever done. We’ll have house band Bad at Sex and band leader Bryan O’Donnell. We’ll have special guests, Bill Shaner and Jenny Pacillo. We’ll have comedian Dan Perlman (Showtime). We’ll have the incedibly talented band, Moshi. All on November 3rd! Here’s the gorgeous poster by Travis Duda!