Horrorscopes
I Reckon 2024
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- Bill
Horrorscopes
It’s another year and this one is already promising to be hotter and more disastrous than ever before! Let’s find out what your life is going to be like based on what months you were born in.
Capricorn- This is the year you start a YouTube channel. So start practicing your best, “be sure to like and subscribe!” voice. This can be an unboxing channel, a tutorial channel, hell it can just be you cracking your knuckles. I’ve got an acquaintance who has an ASMR TikTok that has MILLIONS of views. Go for it, and give me 5% of your earnings.
Aquarius- Congrats I got you a new job. It does not pay, YET. You are a Pixar historian. You are going to start telling people you are the official biographer of Pixar. I don’t care if you’re good at the job either. Actually it would be more fun if you didn’t have any of the facts or dates right. If you just said that while everyone thinks Tom Hanks was the voice of Woody in Toy Story, it was actually Steve Zahn doing a Tom Hanks impression and shit like that, it would really rile some people up.
Pisces- Kill all your house plants. Ritual killings, have a ceremony or a party. You need witnesses. Murder your house plants and start fresh in a clean, Spartan domicile. You don’t need those plants, but they need you and you need to remind the plant world of that.
Aries- Pay Bill Shaner for this newsletter. I understand that not everyone will be able to. But when you are budgeting out this year, really consider it. He’s got a good thing going, and just like they say, “happy wife, happy life” I say “happy editor, happy creditors!”
Taurus- Whatever you do, don’t wake my son up from his nap. I really mean this. He needs his rest and he is not feeling well. I swear to god if you wake him up, I’ll make sure you’re never comfortable in your life again. I will abandon all my fatherly duties to exact my revenge. You’ve been warned.
Gemini- Don’t forget to pay your taxes! And if you’re a billionaire, don’t take any tax exemptions and don’t put any money in offshore accounts. Give all the money that you owe to the federal government in their hands. And if you are barely squeaking by, don’t you dare pay a cent.
Cancer- Make pub trivia not fun for anyone. Dispute all answers. “Accidentally” yell out what you think the answer may be. Make a shirt of your team name, if you don’t have a team, make a shirt just for you and never wash it. Correct the hosts grammar. Try to steal answers from other teams. Make trivia a living hell.
Leo- Quote the bible at people. But don’t learn a single verse, just say a phrase in a knowing and spiritual way. It will add reverence to your life and people will respect you more.
Virgo- Take a trip. Steal someone’s identity and buy a plane ticket to Abaco.
Libra- Take more naps, just don’t wake my son up from his. [see Taurus].
Scorpio- Are you sleeping well? If so can you send me your secret? I’m so tired all of the time I’m shocked I get anything done.
Sagittarius- Start selling girl scout cookies. I know you’re not in the Girl Scouts, but undercut those ungrateful brats. They own a giant share of the cookie market and it is time for some competition. Take those beret wearing whiners out and make your first million and then pay every single tax you’re supposed to. And if you don’t I will eat you, like a delicious Thin Mint from the Girl Scouts.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This weekend I am doing two shows out in Western MA. Friday I will be at Brick and Feather Brewing, get tickets here. And then Saturday I’m at Pioneer Valley Brewery and as I’m typing this I’m learning it is sold out, so that’s cool!
Also don’t forget that The Sort of Late Show is on January 19th at Off the Rails. 100.1 The Pike’s Mike Hsu and photographer Kool Aid George are our special guests. Comedian Danya Trommer will be telling jokes, and our musical guest is Casket Gonz. We have some fun surprises as well. I’ll have some physical tickets soon, but you can also reserve your tickets now.
