Shaun wasn’t late on this month’s Horrorscopes, I was! On account of taking my first full week off in God only knows how long. I didn’t respond to a single text it was so beautiful. Keep the good times rolling for ‘ol Bill with a nice subscription to this fine outlet. In either case, bless your heart. (Spent the week in Virginia so now I talk like this.) —’ol Bill
July Horrorscopes
Cancer- The stars request that you send you resubmit your resume. The position you sought in this universe has been filled. However, after a recent merger, some similar positions have opened up that the star feel you might be a great fit for. Please allow 7-10 business days for a response. Thank you.
Leo- We just got a bidet and now I’m a freak for it. Get you a bidet if you don’t already. We should all wash our ass properly.
Virgo- July 1st was the day that the New York Mets pay former player Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million. The owners were in the middle of getting had by Bernie Madoff and didn’t have the money to buy out Bonilla so they came up with this payment system instead starting in 2011. Bonilla retired in 2001. He will continue to get paid until 2035. Find your Bonilla scheme.
Libra- July 1st was also Canada Day, a celebration of the day Canada decided to not pay Bobby Bonilla $1.19 million from 2011 to 2035. O Canada, indeed!
Scorpio- The United States Men’s Soccer team made it to the 16th round of the World Cup before losing to Belgium last night. The United States is the richest and most powerful country in the world, and only we can twist ourselves in such a pretzel to make it seem like it was an underdog story. Sure we don’t put as many resources in our soccer program as every other country, comparatively, but that is the same with out education system. Should the principal at high school graduation say, “do you believe in miracles?!” as each kid walks across the stage as well? Reminder: you’re a miracle.
Sagittarius- Sure it is too hot outside. Soon enough it will be too cold. (Editor’s note: prophetic submission, given Shaun wrote this when it was hot last week, and it’s now cold.) Then, just when you think the temperature is good enough to go out, it will rain (see above). Then, when the rain stops that wind will blow. All I’m saying is Al Gore didn’t invent the internet, but he was right about one thing.
Capricorn- EVER DRINK TOO MUCH COFFEE? YEAH ME NEITHER.
Aquarius- Jupiter and Mars saw you from across the universe and really like your vibe. They were wondering if you wanted to go some place quieter to get to know each other better?
Pisces- To celebrate America’s 250th birthday go sit in your neighbor’s backyard and gaslight them. Tell them that this is your fire pit and your family needs it or your kids will die.
Aries- Want some updog?
Taurus- I got Aries so bad.
Gemini- There is a dead raccoon that has yet to be picked up by DPW. It is on Newton St. The 311 Mobile App for Worcester has been blowing up with posts about it. You are the raccoon. Sure you’re ignored now, but someone cares about you and eventually you will be picked up. Couldn’t say the same for the snake someone reported the other day.
NEWS
I’m taking July off because the entrance of baby number 2 is imminent. I will still be hosting the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s Rock Diner every Tuesday at 8 p.m. until she comes. That’s tonight!