Horrorscopes
We all have to fight for our country, your time is now.
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Ok plugs over now to Shaun…
Horrorscopes
Sagittarius- Okay sure, I took Thanksgiving week off. Sue me! Actually don’t sue me, sue Bill. He has all the money and the big time lawyers, I am just a guy who writes jokes. He is litigious and willing to go to court any and every day there is summons or appeal.
Capricorn- I will admit that the only reason I told Sagittarius to sue Bill was to get Bill’s attention. It is the only way I know how to scrounge up affection, by acting badly. I feel like you do too, don’t you Capricorn?
Aquarius- You’re above the fray. You love watching people hang their dirty laundry out on the line. You are Joaquin Phoenix or Denzel Washington giving the thumbs up or down on your Gladiators. This is aspirational sponsored content.
Pisces- People keep asking you when you are going to see Wicked. You have no interest in seeing Wicked because it is too close to the regionalism meaning “very.” Honestly every time Wicked gets said you just think of a guy calling into 98.5 the Sports Hub to talk to Felger and Mazz about how Jerod Mayo doesn’t have what it takes to be a head coach, when really that is just some dog whistle bullshit. Felger and Mazz sound like C Plot characters from Oz though and you agree.
Aries- If you go and cut down a Christmas tree this week, remember that the tree will not be in any pain. My son was convinced we were hurting (in a having a nervous system way) the tree and screamed and cried at me while I sawed it down. If you do not celebrate Christmas see Leo’s Horrorscope.
Taurus- You may be catching a cold. It is that time of year. You may have just seen a bunch of loved ones and they gave you these sniffles. Remember that the next time they want to hang out and remind yourself that when you die, you will be alone.
Gemini- Have you caught up on Sopranos yet? I need someone to talk to. I am in the middle of the last season. My favorite part of this whole series is using all these wise guys as a mirror of our own reckoning with societal and moral issues.
Cancer- Did you know that “vertigo” is not just that movie and that U2 song where Bono counts in Spanish badly? I get a little bout of vertigo every time I blow my nose. What I am saying is even your own body will try and knock you off balance, be ready for anything.
Leo- Your new nickname is Doomscroll.
Virgo- Start collecting. I don’t care what it is you collect, just start. It can be figurines, cards, unemployment, it really doesn’t matter. Just start collecting and it will pay dividends.
Libra- It is your turn to challenge Jake Paul to a boxing match. This is the new American draft. We all have to fight for our country, your time is now.
Scorpio- Can you clean my gutters for me? It is supposed to snow soon and I’ve just been busy. I’ll pay you in homemade bread. I am getting really good at it, promise. I’m always kind of around, so just tell me when you’re coming so I can put the dogs away because they tend to bark a lot.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
This week is real fun. Thursday we are starting a show at New Tradition Co.! The show is called Wild Hogs and it is only $5 and this bar is very cool so you should come hang. The hilarious Will Smalley headlines. Poster here:
On Friday we have the last Hot Dog! of the year! As always it is at George’s Coney Island and it is FREE! Then on Saturday I am at the brand new Comedy Studio in Harvard Sq. This room is pretty great and the shows are at 7 and 9. You can grab tickets here!
Worcester Sucks wouldn’t exist without all the people who chip in a small amount of money monthly or yearly to make sure it can. If Worcester Sucks didn’t exist we’d be sad. If you would be too, consider signing up for one! Even if only to get that 20 percent discount code on merch.