Cancer- Every July 1st, a certain sect of people grins with delight, winces with pain, and/or laughs in the face of some unfortunate folks. It is because each new fiscal year, Mets fans celebrate “Bobby Bonilla Day.” A smart contract renegotiation by Bonilla, who hasn’t played for the Mets since 1999, has him getting paid $1.2 million every year until 2035. This sort of thing can’t happen to all of us, but do try to take advantage of any system you are part of, especially if it is for the greater good.
Leo- Cry in public, it is good for you. I look back at my 20s fondly and a lot of it was crying in public. If you’re someone who doesn’t cry, period, then may I suggest not punching a wall and hugging the next friend you see. If you’re “not a hugger,” may I suggest looking your friend in the eye and saying it is nice to see them. If “eye contact is hard,” then I need you to continue to play Elden Ring. I hear that game is very fun.
Virgo- You are now a brat. Stop what you’re doing and dance to Charli XCX.
Libra- You have a giant stadium concert in your future. Your directive is to keep sneaking into different sections of the venue until you are up close to the stage. Either you get kicked out or you get to see the artist very close up and tell if they are lip-synching or not. Worth the risk!
Scorpio- Start a murder podcast with me. I know it seems like the market is saturated with those, but hear me out: It’s actually about groups of crows. Get it?!
Sagittarius- Book me for a comedy show. I have like none this month. I get it that it is slow and the crowds won’t be that great anyways because they are all in other cities on vacation. I just love performing, I’ll do it in your backyard or in an air-conditioned finished basement.
Capricorn- I’m starving for a new public beef like Drake/Kendrick. Accuse me of something heinous and I’ll clap back. Let’s get the whole world watching. My weaknesses are my farts, having a quick temper, and crying at everything.
Aquarius- You know how Harriet the Spy got away with being a snoop all the time? Like it was endearing and not annoying to most? What would it be like to live in a twee world with no cynicism? Start snooping around my house and I’ll dress up like Eartha Kitt. Let’s bring some wholesomeness back out into the universe.
Pisces- Start requesting Venmo payments from your friends list. For the listing, say “brunch.” Some of your friends may take you up on that request and you’ll have a couple extra bucks in your pocket. And if not? Well, you have opened up the door to talk about going to brunch in the future!
Aries- July 21st is the Major Taylor George St. Challenge. Congrats, you are competing now. Get on that bike and go up a super steep hill!
Taurus- Your song of the summer is “The Spark” by Kabin Crew. It is a bunch of tweens singing about how they are cool and became cool through artistic inspiration. Get your spark this summer.
Gemini- To bookend the Horrorscopes with Mets stuff, Grimace (the purple McDonalds mascot) is the new face of the Mets. So now Kid Vid from the Burger King Kid’s Club is the official mascot of your summer. Congrats, Gemini!
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
July is effing slow for comedy for me. Come hang at the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s tonight. It is always weird and interesting. Thanks!