Horrorscopes

A necessary evil.

This is Issue #19 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Or, in Bostonian, 1.5 Dunkies a month! Thank you! - Bill

Horrorscopes

Daylight Savings Time is upon, which arguably is SCARIER than Halloween! Here are your horrorscopes for November!

Scorpio- November is a tough month. It starts to get cold, the days get shorter, and if its a rainy day we just don’t see the sun. No horoscope, your month sucks, bro.

Sagittarius- Speaking of sucking, you need a new vacuum. I don’t care if you don’t have any carpet to use it. Your car needs it, you will be breaking a lot of glass this month and a broom will not suffice. You’re clumsy, messy and very dirty. You need a vacuum to clean up your messes.

Capricorn- You know how Joe Biden was known for riding the train everywhere? That’s you but busses. You ride the bus everywhere. In Worcester it is free. So as long as you allot enough time to get you places and you memorize their very complicated schedule you’re set. If you live some place more rural, you gotta buy a bus. I didn’t say you have to “ride the bus,” but you do have to be in a bus to get anywhere.

Aquarius- To help yourself get ahead in this maddening world, you must talk in “Mario voice.” It’s not Italian, that would be messed up, this is “Mario voice.” Lots of “wahoos,” and “mamma mias” and putting an “a” in front of certain words. This will make you endearing to most and get Italians mad, which is very funny to watch.

Pisces- This entire month listen to music that you wouldn’t normally listen to. If you’re a rap fan, you’re listening to metal. If you put Wilco on repeat well it’s Katy Perry now. Branch out listen to something new. Maybe you’ll get really into chamber music or Japanese jazz fusion!

Aries- Can you read all of Karl Ove Knausgaard’s My Struggle? It is a 6 part series and each book is over 500 pages. It is translated from Norwegian, so at times its beautiful and other times it is stilted. It is very solipsistic, and I really had a hard time getting through the first one. So could you read them and tell me how it was?

Taurus- Start learning an instrument. Any of them. If you already know one, learn another. Recorder doesn’t count. What a racket that was in elementary school. Aren’t we all better off from learning “Hot Cross Buns?” Whatever the instrument is, the first song you have to learn is “25 or 6 to 4” by Chicago. Send me your recordings!

Gemini- Start going to art museums, if you don’t already, and head to the contemporary art wing. Start telling people that you did that. They don’t even know their contemporaries, idiots.

Cancer- Change your name I don’t like it anymore.

Leo- Start emailing Lorne Michaels and tell him that I need to be on SNL. No, I don’t know his email. But my guess it is lorne.michaels@nbc.com, or lmichaels@snl.edu, or something like that. Email him and tell him I’m funny. I’m getting sick of my job.

Virgo- Do you know how to locksmith? Are you one? If not, learn. If so, I have this safe I need opening. You get half of whatever is inside, promise.

Libra- Hey Bill’s dad are you reading? This one goes out to you. You seem like a cool dude let’s grab a beer.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This week is a big one folks. Bill Shaner, along with Jenny Pacillo are my special guests on the Sort of Late Show. If you don’t know about the Sort of Late Show, let me get all Bill about this.

This show has been running for over 10 years(ish). We started out at Beatnik’s in 2012 and just wanted a different style of variety show in Worcester. I always called the show a love letter to the city. I tried to bring on the most interesting and charismatic folks on to talk about Worcester and their lives. We have had so many different people on the show from band members, who spun off and became a legit wedding band (check out The Flat Five). Comedians who went on to have Comedy Central and Netflix specials. Guests like Congressman Jim McGovern, Guggenheim awardee Stephen Dirado, athletes, artists, politicians, artisans, the late Ed Hyder and so much more. We have pulled pranks, been pranked and once had my tie cut in half the effervescent Dr. Gonzo. This is my favorite thing to do and I’m so glad Off the Rails is allowing us to have it on their illustrious stage. I really hope you come out. I have a few physical tickets left if you want to avoid fees. There are still tickets available online, and obviously at the door as well. Along with the aforementioned special guests, we also have the band Moshi, comedian Dan Perlman, and Dicky Stock. We would love to see you.