Horrorscopes

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Tons of new stuff up on that merch store btw, like this Katie Nowicki illustration of the greatest moment in Worcester history.

-Bill

Dear Shaun,

You had an extra day in February to think about what our horrorscopes will be for March. Hope you had a good Leap Day and watched the 2010 movie Leap Year on repeat like I did!

Horrorscopes

Pisces- I am a Pisces. While I have proven over and over again that I have no idea what horoscopes are and which ones rise and which ones fall and who did 9/11, I want you all to buy me a present or send me a small donation on Venmo (@wootenanny). My son needs to eat.

(Editor’s note: Absolutely shameless plug, Shaun! … Mine is @bill-shaner-1)

Aries- March is Women’s History Month. So fellas, let’s make women history!

Taurus- Psst, hey, Taurus. I think Aries is up to something. You got to put a stop to them. They are trying to eliminate women. This is not good, considering that despite all best efforts the patriarchy still exists. You got get up there and stop it quick, our future depends on you!

Gemini- You seem like someone who looks forward to St. Patrick’s Day. That is a very specific person, and sometimes I really don’t like that person. But then again there are days I wake up and look in the mirror and really don’t like that person either, so…So go drink a green beer at the parade, you’ve been anticipating this.

Cancer- You’ve got a mixtape in you. Got all of those thoughts that have been rolling in the back of your head and rap them over some fire beats. This is your music, this is your moment.

Leo- Can you come over and clip my dogs nails? They hate me.

Virgo- Spring cleaning! You ever start cleaning a drawer and stumble upon a loose key? You have no idea where that key goes to and you just start jamming it in every lock near you. Eventually you start walking down your street, trying it at your neighbors’ houses. Those don’t work either and you just keep walking trying locks. Years pass and eventually you come home. You see your son and he is older, strong. Your wife has remarried and you can’t get into your own house because they changed the locks. Turns out it was the key to your downfall.

Libra- Did I mention you all should send me a dollar or two for my birthday? @wootenanny on Venmo.

Scorpio- Bad news, unfortunately you’re a Bill Maher fan now. So sorry, horrible luck.

Sagittarius- You ever try and go down a manhole cover like the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Well, this is your month!

Capricorn- This is a fun website to pull pranks on your friends and loved ones.

Aquarius- You’re mad at me I can feel it. You’ve felt short-shrifted on these horrorscopes. I can feel it. Your feelings are callousing. Soon you won’t be able to even read my writing because of the building resentment. I get it, this is my deal. Over time friends just kind of get sick of my antics and move on. Sometimes it is abrupt and they ghost me and other times they just fade away from my vantage. I hope you fade and don’t just leave. I’ll miss you.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

Lots of great stuff coming up in the near future! In the nearest I’m on The Hideout at White Bull Tavern in Boston on Friday 3/1. You can get tickets here.

Worcester, Hot Dog! is back at Coney Island Hot Dogs. If you’ve never seen this show, comedians spin a game wheel and that is how they find out their set. It is chaotic and fun, plus Coney has a bar and the best hot dogs on the planet. You can get more info here.

ALSO, we have the Roast of Worcester coming back for more destruction. It will be at The White Room again, and we will be announcing all performers soon. This was so much fun last year, and it is primed to be even better this year. Here is the event page.