Horrorscopes
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Horrorscopes
Taurus- Hey, it is my wife’s birthday this month. What do you get someone who has everything? She’s married to me, so she has it all. Any suggestions? Cheese of the month club?
Gemini- How hard can it be to just make seltzer? I’m not saying with one of those home bubble machines (no free ads). I mean like is Polar really an innovative and groundbreaking company or are we just simps for Worcester things? Can we figure out a small-batch seltzer company? We can make it twee as fuck.
Cancer- Remember that while things can be hard sometimes, you can push through them. Don’t push too hard, though, that’s how you get hemorrhoids.
Leo- I know I just said earlier that there are no free ads, but I have to evangelize about Ollie’s on Grafton St. It used to be Building 19, and now it is another kooky surplus store, and I love it. I have joined Ollie’s Army. Quite literally. It is their bargain club. I get special discounts, coupons, and they even have some sale nights that are just for members of the Army. There are exclusive deals on snacks. I’m obsessed. I used to take my son when he was a baby and it was too cold to take a walk outside. We would drive over to Ollie’s and walk around. He was so young, too, that at the time he thought all stores were museums and you couldn’t actually buy anything. I am nostalgic for that time. The thing is, most things are so cheap there that I would buy it all for him! Go join Ollie’s Army.
Virgo- Invest in wasabi peas. Or at least tell people to. This could be like when people were short selling stock to keep companies alive. Start a whisper campaign that wasabi peas are going to blow up and that we should all get in on the ground floor. It will surely make things spicy, if only for a moment or two.
Libra- Do you feel like you have a lot of stuff, but you don’t want to do any spring cleaning? Well, start a museum of your own stuff. Don’t charge admission, but have a “suggested donation” box and save to have someone clean your house for you.
Scorpio- Give me your email. I want to send you my first-draft manuscript of “If You Give a Sox Fan a Dunkies.” I’m good at taking notes, so be a hard critic.
Sagittarius- How hard can it really be to become a model? Offer local businesses your face so you can then be graffitied on for years to come. Sure your face will be desecrated, but people will recognize you. You’ll be somebody!
Capricorn- My dogs have recently been waking up at 5 a.m. no matter what. They pace around the room and beg us to let them in bed. And no, before you say anything, I don’t want them in bed. They stink and roll in shit and pee on each other (don’t kink shame). I need a solution.
Aquarius- Can you confirm that quicksand is a real thing?
Pisces- The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants is your new favorite movie. If it was already your favorite movie, that Zardoz is now your new favorite movie.
Aries- Congrats, you have a new job. You are the new moderator for the Mad About You Wikipedia page. You get to control what facts and dates exist on the site. If you need citation help, I will happily create shell websites that back up your new-found facts. This is must-see Wiki.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
Friday I am doing comedy at a fundraiser for Summit Academy. Summit is a licensed therapeutic school alternative for students ages 6 to 22 with high functioning autism and related diagnoses. The show is free, but there will be chances to donate. Register here.
May 10th is also the next Hot Dog! at Coney Island. It’s our last one of these before we take a summer break. So be sure to catch it!