Horrorscopes
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-Bill
Horrorscopes
It is love month. That’s my new name for it. I’m here to be your Cupid, your Eros, your Satyr, you aunt who is good at making matches. I’m here for you and all of your love needs. Whether you are single, with someone, in a polycule, or against any and all intimacy I got you.
Aquarius- You’re doomed. No matter what stage you are in this ain’t going to end well. Cut off all communication and give yourself over to a pyramid scheme like Cutco Knives or Tupperware. There is only love in consumerism for you.
Pisces- Yeah sure it feels good now, but have you ever thought about what your partner actually thinks of you? Like what they say when you’re not around? If you’re not with anyone, ever thought about what ANYONE is thinking about you? Imagine the complaining about your incessant need to talk or make a joke. It’s debilitating. Remember to only think of yourself, and then you will have love.
Aries- Opposites attract? Yeah right. Find your doppelganger and marry them.
Taurus- Your family is your polycule. Obviously no sex with most of the people in it. But game nights will now have this added charge that will make them super exciting!
Gemini- And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife
And you may ask yourself, "Well, how did I get here?"
Letting the days go by, let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by, water flowing underground
Into the blue again, after the money's gone.
Cancer- Work is your love language. The better job you do the better your libido will be. The better the libido is, the more the copy machine is looking good. The more that copy machine is making eyes at you the hotter the paper gets. Feel the warm freshly copied paper on you, embrace the warm paper on your skin. Let the ink dry in your pores.
Leo- It’s your pet. You’ve thought about it. Just do it. Announce it. Make it official. You and your dog/cat/fish/bird are together at last. Time to order more peanut butter!
Virgo- Like elite major league baseball player Andrew McCutchen once Tweeted, “Furries.”
Libra- Seduce ChatGPT. Really catfish them. You’ll find yourself unsure of where the AI starts and your true feels end. It will be like the movie Her, but you and real with actual consequences.
Scorpio- Love thyself. Take care of thyself. Crank it as much as you can.
Sagittarius- A relationship is like a garden you have to tend to it. Nurture it. Water it. And kill anything that tries to change the health of that garden.
Capricorn- Moisturize. It does wonders for yourself and others who are close to you will notice. I promise.
Want some bad advice? Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
Just one show this weekend. I’ll be at Flying Dreams Brewery in Marlborough on Saturday. It ain’t that far and is looking to be a good time. You can grab tickets here.
Got some fun stuff coming up with WOOtenanny so stay tuned but until then! HEED MY ADVICE!