Horrorscopes
Creepy Edition
Horrorscopes
Libra- This year is the year you return to trick-or-treating. Go get those full-size bars and egg a house if they refuse to give you candy because “you drive my kids to soccer practice, Shaun.”
Scorpio- Throw a Halloween party and tell everyone it is also a “key party” like the good ol’ swinger days. Except you put a flotation device on all the keys and people have to bob for their keys instead of apples. Still might end up with someone else, and you’re already wet.
Sagittarius- With Día de Los Muertos coming up, I would implore you to put me on your ofrenda. I still have not yet died, but my hairline says otherwise. Reza por mí.
Capricorn- T.P. your own house, but like real tastefully. Put some effort into the draping of it all. Your house will be talked about and you may get more trick-or-treaters out of sympathy.
Aquarius- This is the year your “slutty epidemic doctor” costume is accepted by society. Your genius will not go in quietly into the night. Maybe pictures of you will go VIRAL!
Pisces- Go live on Instagram as you walk through a haunted house. Then, release it as a found footage movie. That’s our next big hit.
Aries- The first word in your elementary school plus the name of the company you last typed into your internet browser is your serial killer name. Weird, mine is Chandler Bing, huh.
Taurus- Whatever you do, don’t take off that scarf or kerchief you are wearing—your head is going to fall off!
Gemini- Could you watch that later episode of Boy Meets World? You know, the Halloween special one where they are running away from a killer that is chasing them around the school? I still have nightmares thinking about that episode. Could you watch it for me? Is it actually scary?
Cancer- Nothing more terrifying than rooting for your team during playoff baseball! Let’s Go Mets! Please join me in the horror that is being a Mets fan.
Leo- It is funny to me that Halloween is in October because the scariest time of my life was two months after I graduated college and had no idea how to get a job with a theater degree. Halloween for me is in the end of July, and now it is for you. Turn your lights off this 10/31 and only hand out candy on 7/25 now. Your neighbors will catch on.
Virgo- You have to start telling people you only like black licorice.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
News
This fall I have some fun stuff planned and I kick it off with a super busy week! This Thursday, October 3rd, Bryan O’Donnell and I are screening Hubie Halloween at New Tradition Co. and Mama Roux will have a full menu of creepy snacks available to eat while you watch. If you’ve never seen the movie, this is how you’ll want to watch it, with Bryan and I talking about it while you are gobsmacked by how incredible it is.
Friday I am at Pioneer Valley Brewing in Turners Falls. Should be a very fun time, and you can grab tickets here. Then Saturday I am at the newly reopened Comedy Studio in Harvard Square. It is the late show, at 10 p.m., but we are going to be very funny you should come on over. Those tickets are available here. See? I told you!
Also, there is another Hot Dog! next week on 10/11 at Coney Island Hot Dogs. AND we are bringing another show to Heartland Barber in Millbury! More details on both of those shows next week! Til then!
Bill here with one more event: Katie’s Boogie 4 Boobies at Ralphs Rock Diner this Saturday! Come party with the Glitter Boys! Truly the best DJs you’ll ever see. Tickets here.
Aaaand look at this stained glass Katie made for it. If you know you know!
lol “you’re already wet!”