How Much Can a Hot Dog Hurt?

You can make something your personality and still not actually do that thing constantly.

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Dear Shaun,

I am concerned with your seeming obsession with hot dogs. It does not bode well for your future. Are they good every once in a while at a cookout? Sure. But should you be eating them as often as you do? I am not your friend, but it is like watching a slow car crash I cannot stop. I am just writing to try and help you.

-Concerned

Dear Concerned,

First and foremost, I want to thank you for your concern. Secondly, I know we are not friends, but man, reading that stung for some reason. I most likely don’t know who you are, but when I saw those words they were like little skewers poking at my hot dog heart. I’m sure you have a vice. Maybe it is cigarettes or weed or alcohol or video games or fight club or golf or being conservative or saying you are woke or from Auburn, to name a few. You do something that is not good for you. Let mine be hot dogs.

The world is pretty awful. Like when you get right down to it, it is a pretty lonely and disastrous place. We do things to try and forget that. We have the privilege of doing that often, so we do it. I don’t even do it that often, when it comes right down to it. People who smoke weed are high nearly every day. People who play video games carve out serious time to do so. People smoke packs a week. I honestly eat hot dogs three times a month at the maximum. You can make something your personality and still not actually do that thing constantly. Even Trump doesn’t say racial slurs every day.

A favorite pastime my son and I have is going to the Main Worcester Library for a few hours and then going to Coney Island. He eats mac n’ cheese, the staff spoils him with a brownie, cookie, or ice cream, and I have one up with a seltzer. If this is what ultimately kills me, so be it. Of course I would want it to be more of a repercussive death and not on the spot. I don’t want to be playing with my son, making a dumb face, and ultimately choking on the hot dog, my riches and spoils (Coney Island) surrounding me, no one around to help but my innocent son still unaware of the vice and difficulty one life can create. He’ll just stand over me unsure of who God is and what purpose there is for life at all.

Anyhoo—The Worcester Hot Dog Safari is this week. Come hang out, get some truly awesome merchandise, and eat some competition-worthy hot dogs. You can buy scorecards and merch on three separate occasions this week:

—Thursday at The White Eagle during Beyond Wrestling

—Friday at Off the Rails during The Sort of Late Show: Hot Dog Edition

—Saturday at Ralph’s Rock Diner starting at 11AM

All of the money raised goes to The Worcester County Food Bank. It is going to be very well attended this year, so I would consider picking those scorecards early and eating some dogs on Thursday or Friday at the participating locations.

Thank you for your concern, person who is decidedly not my friend. I hope you live long enough to witness The Great Water Wars.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This show is going to be so fun. You’ll get to try one of the hot dogs in competition, and you can grab some scorecards and merch early. You can buy tickets here, get tickets at the door, or hit me up! I have about 20 physical tickets for sale so you can avoid fees. Hope to see you there and happy Safari!