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Dear Shaun,
I have a coworker, who, when they describe any sort of food they’re about to eat, are eating, or have eaten in the past, they make a disgusting slurping noise. This person was hired post-pandemic and we have only recently started going back into the office a few days a week. They were seemingly fine and sane on all the Zoom calls I had with them, however now that we are in much closer quarters, I am having a hard time putting up with this bullshit. Do you have any advice at all on how to deal with it? Should I confront them? Should I quit? Should I leave an anonymous note? Please the slurping is driving me up the cubicle wall.
-Slurps Up
Dear Slurps Up,
We here at Worcester Sucks and I Love It do not condone violence. I want to encourage you to do everything and anything in your power to not smack this person upside the head. I am assuming this person is not 22 and is a fully-fledged adult who should definitely know better than to act like this. If that is the case it is clear as day to me that this person has never been beaten up in their life.
I know what you’re thinking, you’re assuming that I’m assuming this person is a male. You would be wrong. Some of the most intense fights I have ever witnessed were between two females. I was a high school teacher for nearly a decade and those were some of the most violent matchups I’ve ever watched. Hair pulling, scratching, principal’s hair being pulled, biting, just the whole gambit of attempts to end someone else’s momentum. And yes, I watched, I was not going to get into the middle of that shit—you read where I said a principal’s hair was pulled? I don’t have much on my head, they could have gone after my eyeballs!
Your co-worker has clearly never been tossed around by someone who can’t stand their slurping. They need to feel that rage. Unfortunately, while I do give bad advice, some would say the worst advice, I can’t in good conscience put that in writing. I say you befriend this co-worker. You go out to dinner with them, where the slurping must intensify. You invite them to birthday parties. You invite them to cookouts. You invite them to any gathering. You bring them into the fold of your social life. At this same time you are rekindling your friendship with that one friend who is little unhinged.
You know that friend who gambles too much and blames it on outside outcomes for their loss of their own money? The friend who has an on-and-off thing with someone who is so toxic the last time they dated, that person set their couch on fire? The friend who wouldn’t have an office job making slurping noises in their cubicle because they just got fired from a road crew because the foreman didn’t like when your friend said his wife had “Octomom Hips?” You need to bring that friend around a whole lot more too.
Two things could happen. One, the slurper may just start to be around your friends more often and may learn the proper way to act when they are about to eat a burger. Or this jobless, single friend who is broke from too much Keno and college lacrosse bets may finally snap when they hear that “slurp.” Now, again, I don’t mean that this person punches your co-worker. But they definitely will snap at them. And you can’t snap at work, they have a term for that—“going postal”—though now with all the mass shootings in America, would it just be called, “going high school student?”
You need to expose your co-worker to a world outside polite norms. This is like Scared Straight for white collar workers. You are helping better society. We thank you for your work.
NEWS
I am in New Orleans this week! If you so happen to be down there, or know someone who is you should tell them that it is the New Orleans Hotdog Safari. Bryan O’Donnell and I are doing our show Hot Dog! at the amazing comedy club Sports Drink on Saturday at 10PM. This weekend is going to be a blast and I can’t wait to report back on how well it went.