This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! Subscribe or upgrade to paid by smashing the button below.
Tips are always appreciated as well!
So are merch orders.
Dear Shaun,
I’m still hungover from St. Patrick’s Day. Do you have any hangover cures? Anything would be helpful.
-Parade Pity
Dear Parade Pity,
You’re in luck, I have been working on hangover cures for sometime! Honestly the best way to beat a hangover is to not even get one. Don’t binge drink, drink plenty of water throughout the day, and even more before you go to bed. Make sure you have had a comfortable meal before you begin. But if you don’t want to be an adult about it, and just want something to fix your hangover when you wake up, I have some answers for you. Here are my top five hangover cures, in no particular order:
I read once that the founder of Sam Adams Brewery, Jim Koch, had a secret to not getting too drunk and in turn too hungover. He developed this trick because he was the face of the craft beer movement, and therefore had the business and societal pressure to drink a ton of beer with people. The trick was he ate a teaspoon of yeast with every pint of beer. I’m not scientist, but I’m assuming that the yeast soaks up the alcohol and breaks it down or something? If someone wants to tell me science, please email me. Anyways, if you are that desperate to drink to excess that you’re willing to eat yeast, I don’t know man that’s above my paygrade.
It seems like St. Paddy’s Day is the big one for you, but maybe it is all holidays. Whenever you feel like you’re ramping up your social schedule for some good old fashioned binge drinking, hit up a temple or monastery and take a vow of silence. Think about it: you can take the weekend with just your thoughts. No drinking. You can spend the holiday thinking about how much fun you used to have and how you’re all alone now. No one to party with. Then, on Monday, you’ll have a fresh outlook on your pathetic life, sans headache and/or vomit!
Recipe in Blender for Hangovers:
-3 Cups orange juice
-1 teaspoon sugar
-2 bananas
-one bushel of kale
-1 nip of whiskey (for the hair of the dog)
-20 strawberries
- 1/2 can coconut milk
-call your mom (or dad, or parental figure)
-make a small payment on your credit card
Blend these in a food processor or blender for 3 minutes. Drink as fast as possible and stay on the line your parental figure the whole time. When making the credit card payment, call the company, don’t pay online. Be forced to talk to another person that also has or had a parental figure as well. Tell them you love them and before they can respond hang up. Then find out how you can stream The Drew Carey Show and binge the entire series. If you are still feeling bad, repeat.Get a machine like Steve Urkel had that makes you into a cooler person than yourself. That way you won’t be such a fucking loser when you drink and you won’t get hungover either, idiot.
Right when you wake up, play Edward Forty Hands (if you’re unfamiliar it is a “drinking game” where someone tapes a 40oz. of malt liquor to each of their hands and has to drink them all before they can get the tape off their hands). But instead of Old English, sub in two Nalgene bottles. One has a Gatorade, the other has iced coffee. Make sure you hold in your bowel movement until you’ve finished both bottles. Upon completion, head to the bathroom and let it rip!
There you have it. My hangover cures. If I see you out, let me know if you’ve tried any…and hand me a teaspoon of yeast!
NEWS
This week is the big week! We have the Roast of Worcester this Friday March 22nd at The White Room. Worcester Sucks’ own Bill Shaner will be there, as well as Molly O’Connor, comedian Paul Henry, comedian Doug Guertin, activist Nelly Medina, bon vivant Eric Yankus-Franco, and yours truly. All of the money we take goes to Compassionate Care ALS, who are based in Falmouth and are a great resource to families and patients with ALS. They were unbelievable to my father and are still great to my mom and our family. Tickets are pay-what-you-want donations and you can get them here.
I’ll also be at Two Saints Tavern in Boston this Sunday at 7PM. You get those tickets here.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."