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Dear Shaun,
I miss the Tartan Army. Should I move to Scotland?
-Tartan in Tatters
Dear Tartan in Tatters,
I feel you, that crew is amazing. Yes, the chants and the bagpipes and the traffic cones on statues’ heads were great. They are a gregarious bunch who won over Boston. One of my favorite parts of the whole experience was Boston, which thinks it’s a drinking town, was just triple-lapped by the Scots. Sam Adams, the flagship brewery in the city, RAN OUT OF BEER. Someone from Hennessey’s in Haymarket Square was quoted as saying that one visit from them was like St. Patrick’s Day times three. St. Patrick’s Day in Boston is the day that Beantown is at its sloppiest and that was a random Wednesday. And they were polite and clean, didn’t fight anyone in the middle of street. Take notes Boston, the only people you should be fighting are the yuppies from BC who are leaning on your friend when they talk about their summer plans on Nantucket.
I learned an interesting fact about part of the reason we fell in love with the Tartan Army. A while back, Scottish fans were hooligans like the a lot of the U.K. fandom. Wherever they played they would terrorize and destroy the towns they played in. Then they realized, “why would we act like the English? We hate the English.” They then decided to be the most genial and fun-loving group that they could be and kill everyone with kindness and stick to the Royals. I love these Scots the more I learn about them. Most recently a newly elected Member of Parliament for the Scottish government crossed her fingers as she was sworn in and supposed to pledge allegiance to the King and vowed to serve the people of Scotland first. This country rules!
Moving there could be tough, you’ll have to get a visa to work there or have family there already. I know these football fans felt like family, but legally, you’r just drinking buddies. Here is my suggestion: learn the bagpipes. Your neighbors will love it. Order some Irn-Bru, prepare a spice bag (local bars take notice on this one), and have your own backyard Highlands. They brought a bit of Scotland to us, you can keep a bit of Scotland right here right now.
I know wearing a kilt, as an American, is very much Hot Topic-kid coded. But you can also just own it. You don’t need to go away from your home to enjoy the energy of Scotland, you can eat stuffed sheep hearts and livers anywhere. It is even available in a can!
Please, definitely go visit. Just remember that the honeymoon period may be over by the time you get there. Not every place you visit is Disneyland, and not every visit from others will be like that first time. I have been on plenty of first dates that were magical, but for some of them I can’t even remember their name now. Don’t get burned by the love bomb from the Scots. Give it time to breathe. Breathe circularly, into a tartan-designed sheep stomach with pipes attached in your backyard, for all of your neighborhood to hear.
NEWS
I am hosting the all-gender swimsuit competition at the Ralph’s Rock Diner Beach Party tonight. A very cool and very good surf-rock band, The Deep Ones, from Providence are playing as well.
With my baby due in 5 weeks I will not be performing anymore until after she starts to sleep better. But if you do want to see me still I will be hosting the Live Forever Open Mic at Ralph’s every Tuesday at 8PM.