If you’re going to fidget, out-fidget the fidgeter

I don't need your content pity

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Tons of new stuff up on that merch store btw, like this Katie Nowicki illustration of the greatest moment in Worcester history.

-Bill

Dear Shaun,

My brother is a fidgeter. Now that fidgeting has become a more accepted form of coping in some social circles, I want to get in on the game too. My brother has been known to crochet, Rubik’s cube, and doodle while at dinner, with family and even at my daughter’s dance recital. I am aware that this is a healthy way to work with social anxiety, or stress or even just extra energy. I want to do this too. My husband says, I don’t need to and that it is rude. While yes, I do not need to fidget, I do want to do something else with my hands to pay attention to while I have to watch my daughter not be engaged with a kid’s version of Swan Lake. I’m going to do this no matter what you say, just trying to give you some content.

-Newfound Fidgeter

Dear Newfound Fidgeter,

Appreciate the candidness at the end of your letter. I will say I assume most people who write are going to do whatever they want. There is no court to uphold my advice, and most of the things I say are either impossible to do, or, at the very least, socially unacceptable. So, thank you for knocking down the thin veil I was able to erect to help make these things funny. So, yeah fidget away dog. I DON’T NEED YOUR CONTENT PITY.

I am a big fidgeter, as well as a pacer, and leg-shaker. I’ve never been a doodler. I was never embraced for my visual art technique and then never pursued it. If I am in a lecture or a meeting and I need to do something other than listen to the droning of some supervisor or well-meaning professor, I practice my cursive.

You would think because I have been practicing my cursive for over 20 years now that I would have perfected my penmanship, well I am sorry to say that that is not true. It has gotten better, though it has not gotten 20-years-of-practice better. If anything it looks like I am still in middle school and forced to practice for being unruly in class. While I volunteer to do this, my hands act as though there is a punishment involved.

If you’re going to fidget, out-fidget the fidgeter. Don’t just crochet or doodle. Clearly, you are jealous of the brazenness of the act of fidgeting in a social setting, so make it more uncomfortable. Do a book of easy crosswords as fast as possible, maybe it needs to be more tactile, so you can just lug a typewriter with you and bang on all of those keys during whatever thing it is that you are at. Make the situation about you, not about your daughter’s recital. Set the record straight. Maybe with a limerick typed out in Helvetica from your noise writer…erm—sorry, fidget device.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

This week is a fun one. I’m all cowboyed out from the Rodeo and I’m ready to be the Worcester rat I always was. I’ll use this as a reminder that I run a comedy open mic at Ralph’s Diner every Tuesday. If you’re ever interested in doing comedy, come on out and try. Sign ups start at 7:30. We won the Boston Comedy Choice Awards for best Open Mic so you know it is good.

Thursday I’ll be at Lucky Strike in Boston. It is a new show that I’ve heard is a blast. You can grab tickets here. Then of course on Friday (3/15) we’ve got Hot Dog! at George’s Coney Island. It is a show where comedians spin a game wheel to find out what their set will be. It is always chaotic and silly and the joint stays open late just for us to sling more beers and hot dogs in your general direction. Show is free starts a little after 8, it is FREE just come!

I also want to remind you that The Roast of Worcester is happening again this year. It will be at The White Room on 3/22 at 7:30. There isn’t an official cover, we will just be taking donations for Compassionate Care ALS. We’ve got some great roasters lined up for you, including my boss Bill Shaner. Come laugh at this stupid city for a great cause and get your reservation here.