It could always be worse
After all he hasn't appointed Dave Portnoy... yet
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Dear Shaun,
With all of these batshit nominations for cabinet seats in Trump’s new administration, I’ve been feeling uneasy. What do you suggest I do other than complete apathy and acceptance of authoritarianism?
-Cabinet Crazed
Dear Cabinet Crazed,
Yeah, it is pretty wild. Some of them are no surprise. I mean, even though it’s crazy-town, we knew RFK Jr. was getting a spot. But Dr. Oz is a flex, as is Linda McMahon. Dr. Oz was a surgeon but now promotes snake oil. So when you think of it that way, Trump and Oz are just combining their snake oils. I truly think Trump was going to name someone else, but saw a trailer for Wicked and was like forget it, call Oz.
Linda McMahon as Secretary of Education is amazing. I’m just happy that under her watch kids will no longer get suspended for doing the D-Generation X “suck it” to their teacher. That is good old classic fun and should not be punished. Math? Well, the McMahon’s keep counting billions at WWE, so how about that math?
I actually was leaked a list of the other nominations, and I’d like give you all an exclusive as to who the rest of nominations will be:
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Martin Lawrence. Word from aides is that this is inspired by the 2000 classic Big Momma’s House. In this movie Lawrence is an FBI agent, so ideally we can bring some law and order to the numerous housing projects around the country.
Secretary of Agriculture: Linus from Peanuts. No one tends to a pumpkin patch better than Linus, plus he recites the Bible in A Charlie Brown Christmas so he’s a Christian too. No locusts for our GMOs!
Secretary of Energy: The Energizer Bunny. This guy keeps going and going and going… ask his 18 wives. Dude doesn’t stop. Rumor has it Bunny met Trump on Epstein’s Island.
Secretary of the Interior: The guy from Operation. Nobody knows inside better than this guy who has been perpetually open, showing his interior, since 1965. Plus he knows a guy who can get us a great deal on electric fencing to keep the buffalo from roaming.
Secretary of Transportation: Lowly Worm from Richard Scarry’s Busy World. This is a surprising reach across the aisle for Trump. Lowly is a union hero with his collective bargaining expertise getting all the ride-share apps to agree to allow apples and watermelons as vehicles, as well as unionizing the entire feline driving force.
Department of Youth Services: Casey Anthony.
Department of Mental Health: The Late Great Hannibal Lecter. Trump wants to send migrants to the “insane asylum” because he doesn’t understand what asylum means. Who better to do it than a fictional genius serial killer who eats people?
Department of Gambling: The Draft King. According to reliable sources, you’re now going to be able to gamble your EBT money!
Department of Women: Barstool Sports’ Dave Portnoy.
Food and Drug Administration: Ronald McDonald, Wendy, The Burger King, The Colonel. Insiders call them the Four Horsemen of the Snack-ocalypse. Don’t worry about fruit and vegetables, those will be for the Snowflake Work Farms.
NEWS
Tonight I’m at Charlie’s Kitchen in Harvard Square. The show is at 9 p.m., show is $15 at the door. Saturday I’ll be hosting Jake McKelvie’s Vinyl Release Show with Bryan O’Donnell at The Hotel Vernon. That show is $10 at the door. It should be a lot of fun!
Coming up in December, we got three great shows. December 5 we are doing a show at New Tradition Co. Show is at 8 p.m. and it $5 at the door. It is called Wild Hogs and we are very proud of the poster.
Then, on December 6 we have our last Hot Dog! of the year! It should be a doozy, and as always it’s at George’s Coney Island. And finally on December 13 we have The Sort of Late Show at Off the Rails. We’ll have comedian Janet McNamara, the band Report!, plus special guests Cait the Clown and State Senator Robyn Kennedy. Ticket link here!
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