June Horrorscopes

Keep your eyes peeled in July when Dads are all half off at your local CVS.

While I normally put a subscription plug here, today I’m asking you take any money said plug would have got you to spend on this outlet and send it instead to Taylor Nunez Murray and her family as she battles ALS. Shaun has more details in the news section down below. Here’s the link to the online fundraiser. —Bill

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Horrorscopes

Gemini- There is a whole different galaxy that is requesting your presence. The current stars and planets are encouraging you to go and explore new space. They are sort of sick of you.

Cancer- The meteor that crashed wasn’t a meteor but a multilevel media ad campaign for Steven Speilberg’s “Disclosure Day.” You were duped. Soon a recent college theater major graduate will be dressed like an alien in your backyard.

Leo- Wake up early once a week and watch the sunrise. Also blare Van Halen on your back porch so everyone else wakes up and see the majesty that is the signal of the beginning of the day.

Virgo- It’s Pride Month, don’t forget to pander to the nearest queer person.

Libra- Stop asking about other pride months. It used to be fun to be contrary but now it smells of bow-ties and white nationalism. I acknowledge that you think it is smart to want to have a human-pride month. But our future AI Overlords will use that against us in the coming Robot Wars.

Scorpio- Congrats on participating in No Mow May, where you didn’t mow your lawn for the entire month. No please follow that up with No Jerk June. Interpret that however you’d like you sickos.

Sagittarius- June is the month for Father’s Day. Keep your eyes peeled in July when Dads are all half off at your local CVS.

Capricorn- Movies are back! Two low-budget horror movies are at the top earnings list. Go make a movie, it looks wicked easy.

Aquarius- I think a cowboy hat will suit you.

Pisces- Start a cult based on the meteor that crashed last week. Yeah I know I told Cancer it was a multilevel media ad campaign, but use that to sow doubt! Your followers need to believe you and only you!

Aries- Don’t forget sunscreen this summer. If anything it will mask your B.O.

Taurus- Just pick your nose. Give into your urges!

NEWS

It is ALS Awareness Month. A dear friend of mine has been diagnosed with ALS. She is married with two kids and her loving community held a fundraiser to help support her family during her struggle with this evil disease and for post-care for the family as well. The fundraiser was at Seven Saws in Holden. There were bands playing and there were a ton of raffle and silent auction items. I’ll was the MC for the day. I’m guessing a thousand people showed. If you missed it, here is the GoFundMe link.

On Sunday I was out in Great Barrington telling jokes at another fundraiser that is ALS related. This one was a fundraiser for folks with ALS to go to a Red Sox game and have full accessibility throughout the experience.

My dad died three years ago from ALS and was able to go to one of those Red Sox games. He got to see the greatest player of our generation, Shohei Ohtani, play before he passed and he loved every minute of it. ALS is so fucked up. Please consider these causes this and every month. The organization Compassionate Care ALS is doing this event and so much more for those with ALS. Please consider donating to them in general. They helped my dad, and have helped so many more. Here is more info on them.

Selfishly! On Thursday I am at Koto in Salem where Bryan O’Donnell and I are hosting our bonkers show Hot Dog! It is at 8PM and it is completely FREE.