Just Want to Be Left Alone?

Make a Scene First

This is Issue #17 of Bad Advice! If you still don’t know what Bad Advice is or why it’s here, head to issue #1 where we explain it for the first and last time.

This column is part of the Worcester Sucks media empire which is sustained entirely by reader contributions! It’s just five bucks a month! Also, Rewind Video Store’s kick-off event at Redemption Rock is coming up quick! Next Wednesday at 6 p.m.! - Bill

Dear Shaun,

I’ll be blunt with you, I’m a giant sea dog with bloodshot eyes. I have wings and I like to make my presence known in daylight and I do it all on the surface of Indian Lake in Worcester, MA. I have wolfish fangs and I am an excellent swimmer. My father and his father have raised families at the lake with little alarm. However, recently, the Worcester Public Library posted an article on their Instagram about the “terror” my great-grandfather raised back in 1904. I’m afraid, now that more people know about me and my family, the stress my ancestors felt will rear its ugly head. How can I remedy this? Here’s the article:

- Frank, the Red Eyed Sea Dog at Indian Lake

Dear Frank, or the Red Eyed Sea Dog at Indian Lake,

Carnage. You’ve got to establish yourself as the Alpha Sea Dog here. You don’t need to kill anyone. But, you must be a carnivore based on your descriptions. So kill a seagull or Canada goose and show the neighborhood your power. Strike fear in their hearts.

One time when I was driving by Indian Lake, the water had barely frozen. It was thin. I looked to my left as I was driving and watched as the Sears Island Bald Eagle ripped a seagull apart with their talons and beak. It was a bloody mess, it was out in the open and in broad daylight. It was so metal. I think about this often.

The neighborhood will think of your carnage often as well. I don’t want to mess with that Bald Eagle. These people will not want to mess with you. They will know better than to meddle in your affairs once they see what you are capable of. Same reason I am no longer allowed to do any sort of arts and crafts project: that chaos I end up creating does more harm than good. Know your strengths, Frank.

Personally, I love that you’re my neighbor. Some would think that this now lessens our property value, but I think it enhances it. If I ever end up selling, I would absolutely add that we have a cryptid across the street. At the open house I would explain that I have talked to you, exchanged emails. Everyone will think this is cool and by no means a red flag.

You’re cool, Frank. You exist and that is awesome. I understand you just want to be left alone, and I want that for you too. But sometimes life throws the spotlight on us and the only way to get it off is to rise to the occasion. Kill a seagull and terrorize the neighborhood. For good.

Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."

NEWS

I’ve got a bunch of opportunities to see me perform stand up this week and early next! First up, Thursday I’m in Framingham at Jack’s Abby Brewery, get those tickets here. Then, on Friday I’m in Fitchburg at River Styx Brewing, tickets for that here. Saturday I’m at the Silvertone Lounge, two chances to see me there.

THEN ON SUNDAY we have the hilarious David Gborie coming Ralph’s Rock Diner. This show will sell out so make sure you buy your tickets.

And next Wednesday I’m on a show with the wonderful Lee Syatt headlining at Off the Rails. That show is FREE.

Also do not forget about The Sort of Late Show at Off the Rails! Comedian Dan Perlman, special guests journalist Bill Shaner, District 1 City Council Candidate Jenny Pacillo, Dicky Stock, BRAND NEW house band Bad at Sex, lovable idiots Doug Guertin and Bryan O’Donnell, as well as our featured musical act, Moshi! Tickets can be purchased here or you can email or message me for a physical ticket and bypass the online fees!