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Dear Shaun,
My social media is full of “influencers” telling me that I have “low T” and “higher levels of estrogen” despite never having met me. They tell me I need to get my “T” tested and that is why I am a sad sack on the internet, eating Doritos. I really like my life. But they tell me I shouldn’t. Who do I believe?
-Low T Tommy
Dear Low T Tommy,
Brave giving your first name, unless it is just for the alliteration. Either way, I’m proud of you. As far as the low T thing is concerned, we are all low T. Tucker Carlson made a whole Fox News documentary about it, The End of Men. And you got to believe Tucker, am I right? The dude went shopping in Russia and said everything is okay. I believe him. He got fired from Fox, and if the last eight years have taught me anything, it’ss to believe victims. Tucker is the ultimate victim.
Now I don’t have low T. I am virile. I had a kid without even trying. Just popped up after some pumps. Do I cry on occasion? Sure. Do I feel tired at the end of the day? Yes, but only because it is exhausting being this masculine for an18-hour day. YEAH THAT’S RIGHT, I said 18-hour day. I don’t need to sleep. My testosterone rebuilds me and gives me the energy I need to tackle the day with my metaphorical horns. In fact, I feel threatened by you writing to me with even an inkling of an idea that I’d empathize with you on this. I am a man and therefore out on my own, with no one to tell my little secrets, desires, or self-conscious thoughts.
I have no one to tell that I once had a sex dream about a duck. Just me and a sixfoot duck, having a romping good time. I have no one to tell that I really wish I got to date Donna Lewis, the Welsh singer who sang “I Love You Always Forever.” I have no one to tell that my own ear hair makes me retch when I touch it.
My advice is to get one of those lamps that you can shine on your balls. That is how you get the T back in your body. That is how you show everyone that you’re a man. By tanning your crotch and making it eventually look like a Naples, FL retiree. The only way to show the world you are the man you say you are is to have a little brown leather purse down there. And you can redeem the coins you keep inside for your virility.
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NEWS
My show for Friday got canceled, so that is a bummer. So is show business sometimes! Next week however Hot Dog is back at Coney Island. That’s April 26th at 8PM at George’s Coney Island. But I’ll remind you next week too! Flyer below!