March Horrorscopes
Hey Scorpio, Virgo says that Leo says that Cancer is onto us
It’s Shaun’s birthday give him a tip (Venmo: @Wootenanny). Also pls subscribe hehe
Pisces- This is my sign. (Cue you, the reader, saying, “I knew it.”) So of course I would like to rig my own horrorscope to be something positive and fortunate for myself. However I cannot disobey the stars. Diarrhea is in the future, as it always is. Make sure you have a new book you can sit with for a while. Maybe this is the time you start cracking Infinite Jest?
Aries- The planets have aligned, and so have all of your exes. Turns out they have started a support group and they agree on your fatal flaws. Be aware, because they now feel like activists and may pull some PETA-level stunts. Except, instead of throwing blood on fur coats, they are going to throw the remaining milk in cereal bowls that you left in the sink at you while you go out to dinner.
Taurus- Pick a Best Picture nominee. There are ten of them. Now try and live like the main character of one of those. That is your new way of life. Are you a sex worker getting duped by a Russian oligarch? Or are you a Brazilian woman keeping a stiff upper lip in the face of an authoritarian regime? Or are you a witch? Or are you in the mix to be the next Pope? Fun choices!
Gemini- Do you do Zyn? Let me know how it is. I’m nearly 40 and I’m trying to stay relevant, but I’m so scared of that much nicotine.
Cancer- Depending on when you read this, the Ides of March are upon us. Beware of backstabbers and secret meetings. They already got Caesar, it may be you next. Keep your head on a swivel, make sure there aren’t more than one knife in a room that you’re in, and as always spruce up on your Latin, just in case they do whack you and you can have an epic last line, “Et tu, Leo?”
Leo- Hey Leo, I think Cancer is onto the assassination plot. You better let Virgo, Libra and Scorpio know what’s going on so you can pull an audible.
Virgo- Hey Libra, Leo says they think Cancer is onto our plot to assign them. I thought we were killing them, but maybe I wasn’t really listening fully, I was catching up on SNL 50, did you watch? Amazing!
Libra- Hey Scorpio, Virgo says that Leo says that Cancer is onto us with our Ass Game. I don’t know how they found out either, I thought Ass Game was our special little thing so I don’t know how they found out, also did you watch SNL 50?
Scorpio- I think playing telephone through horrorscopes either really hits, or doesn’t make much sense. Either way, I think we are going to call off the Ides of March hit on Cancer and just do it when they least expect it. St. Patrick’s Day.
Sagittarius- Can you watch my son for a few hours? Thanks.
Capricorn- What do you think fire smells like? Whenever you’re around a flame you’re always just smelling that the fire is burning, but never what the actual flame smells like.
Aquarius- What is a Tate McCrae? Please do a deep dive. Is it a person? A movement? A meme? I need answers by next week.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
I turn 38 on Wednesday March 5th. I will be grabbing a drink or ten at Vincent’s at 7PM. Come gimme a kiss.
On March 6th, I’ll be hosting for a very special Worcester celebrity comedian at Boland’s Irish Pub at 8PM. The show is free and this is fixing to be a banger.
Then on March 8th, I’ll be participating in one of best shows I’ve ever been a part of. I’ll be on One Liner Madness at The Rockwell Theatre in Somerville. 64 comics will face off against each other in a March Madness style tournament with their best one liner jokes. I came in second 6 years ago at Great Scott, and then the next year we had the show come to Nick’s Bar in Worcester during our comedy festival WOOtenanny. You can buy tickets to this super fun show here.
If you want can’t go to Vincent’s buy me a beer via Venmo! (@wootenanny)