It’s everyone’s favorite post of the month: the Horrorscopes! Please consider dropping some dollars in the hat so I can keep putting these out. —Bill
Horrorscopes
Pisces- I’m turning 39 and that means that I am 100 percent middle aged. I’m not the most expensive cheddar, but I definitely make you look at the price again before putting it in your cart. Plus I’m sort of stinky and you like that about me. Buy me a drink.
Aries- Baseball season starts this month. Hug a friend that likes it because this could be our last MLB season for a bit. There is a labor and compensation war that is about to start and the president of the Player’s Union just stepped down for stepping out on his wife with her sister!
Taurus- The moon will be waxing and you should do so to your brows!
Gemini- Stars are always fading and new ones are forming. So goes your adult acne. Those Gen Z stickers aren’t fooling anyone.
Cancer- Start gambling. Not the on-your-phone-prop-bet-over-basketball-players gambling. And not nihilistic tech bro Kalshi nonsense either. I mean good old fashion, “bet you I can’t shoot these socks into the hamper,” or “bet you my son’s little league team goes 6-6 this summer.” I mean real gambling. Start playing dice at the BBQ, start dominoes games after church. Start to build and tear down your relationships!
Leo- You get to commit one misdemeanor. Steal something, slap someone, take a right on red when the sign clearly says no. The way society and the global political sphere are headed we soon won’t be allowed to think about crime, let alone commit it. Go have some harmless fun while we still can.
Virgo- I envy you. The stars envy you. What is it about you that we can’t do? Give us your life.
Libra- Younger generations are using iPods again. They have never seen such contraptions and are enamored by them. I say the older generation take a step further and forget phones. Let’s all start communicating by carrier pigeon. I bet a lot less angry texts get sent or lost or intercepted by an outdoor cat!
Scorpio- Beware the Ides of March, its on a Sunday this year and the Sunday scaries are no joke, especially when we are bombing Iran for seemingly no reason!
Sagittarius- Stop using AI. I will be your AI. I learned from Worcester Public Schools so my Intelligence is also Artificial.
Capricorn- Big Mouth Billy Bass is your new personality. Plan accordingly.
Aquarius- Your new conversation bit is when anyone says that they like someone. Whether they are revealing a new crush to you or explaining a new movie starring Jude Law, your response is now: “Oh no, didn’t you hear? They are in the Epstein Files!” It’s a great bit you’re welcome.
NEWS
Today is my birthday and I’ll be at Boland’s doing a show. Come hang. It is also free and starts at 8.
Friday I’ll be at The Comedy Studio at 9:30. This show costs money and you can get tickets here.
Saturday I’ll be at a brand new show at Wong Dynasty in Holden. Show is at 8.