May Horrorscopes
Pepper spray their ass
Hey all Bill here with a quick editor’s note for all the new readers (regulars, feel free to skip on down). Unlike your average Substack, Worcester Sucks is a variety show: four separate columns and a podcast, all by Worcester people for Worcester people. Basically we’re rebuilding an alt weekly with the means available to us at the moment.
Bad Advice is one of those columns. Shaun is a very funny local comedian who does a live late show and runs an annual Hot Dog Safari (the best and most Worcester event that exists). Here, he gives his worst advice once a week, and once a month he gives us an astrology reading.
The way I personally think of Bad Advice: it’s the “locker room guy” of the Worcester Sucks team. And no—I will not be explaining myself. Not even to you, Shaun.
Help us build this weird little alt-weekly-of-the-future with a paid subscription! And thanks for reading!
Now to Shaun.…
May Horrorscopes
Writer’s Note: I know a lot of you really love and look forward to my Horrorscopes. I apologize for the delay. With the kidnapping on Eureka Street last week I was not up to writing a bunch of jokes and barely performed last week as well. Considering the harrowing scene, I didn’t find it tasteful either to act as though it is status quo. Anyways, BACK TO THE FUCKING SHOW!
Taurus- Turns out you can take what you want, when you want it. So, let’s start looting folks. Stop saving for that new item or longing for a new car or, hell, even a new friend. You want it? Just fucking take it.
Gemini- I have not been able to rid of this cough that I’ve had since mid-April. The other night I was driving down the Mass Pike on my way back home from a gig and coughed so hard I threw up in my lap going 65. Got any remedies?
Cancer- Every self defense class that is taught by a failed cop or retired one always teaches women to carry pepper spray. You should carry pepper spray. And if someone approaches you without a warrant and attempts to grab you and put you in a car registered to New York you should pepper spray their ass.
Leo- Practice your cursive. I swear to god I think AI is going to break the whole system and pen and paper will rule us again in our lifetime.
Virgo- Yeah, I know I didn’t win Pope. Stop reminding me. I was told it was going to be an American and I was like this is it, its finally me! Then they gave it to a Chicago guy who speaks Spanish. I took Spanish! I am not fluent, but with a little papal fire under my ass I would have learned! Congrats to Pope Leo IVX.
Libra- Did you hear about that kid that accidentally ordered 70,000 lollipops on Amazon? The mother eventually got her money back, all $4,800 worth. Do you know if you can get your money back if you accidentally order two of the same dildo? You didn’t mean to. You were doing a bit in the back of a comedy club with another comic and when you were giggling the other comic hit “buy now.” Do you know if Bezos is cool about those sort of returns as well? Asking for a friend.
Scorpio- Your allergies are worsening. I know this reads as a hex or some sort of Voodoo command, but it is true. It’s not my fault.
Sagittarius- If you have a dishwasher, clean the filter. People always forget. If you don’t have one and wash them manually, make sure clean out that dishwasher’s filter, if you know what I mean (wink).
Capricorn- Scientists at UCLA say they may have cured male baldness. How do you cancel a non-refundable round-trip ticket to Turkey?
Aquarius- With your moon on the rise and southern hemisphere stars aligning, you more than likely will have tummy troubles second half of this tidal cycle. Or at least I know I will around Memorial Day weekend.
Pisces- Ever ask yourself how the fuck you even got to this point? Take a walk, I guess? Will that help?
Aries- See me after class.
Send any and all questions to woocomedyweek@gmail.com with the subject line "Bad Advice."
NEWS
On Wednesday I had two shows where I co-hosted a Roast Battle at The Rockwell in Somerville at 7PM with Logan O’Brien. The other show was in the back of The Burren, also in Somerville.
Sunday I’m at Zion Community Church for sober people it is at 7PM. And that is truly all the info I have at this time!
Thanks again for your patience and for reading!